The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 85

Tom Hayden

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 25, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Tom Hayden
Tonight Stephen welcomes the founding member of the Students for a Democratic Society, California legislator and author of Ending the War in Iraq, Tom Hayden.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: I have never trusted dolphins. Fish or mammal, pick a side.

      • Stephen: If you are sitting within three feet of your TV, careful! You're in the splash zone. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: What dangers lurk underwater? Besides the water, which can drown you.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Fourth Branch. Folks, the National Archive wants to preserve sensitive information from the Vice President's office, things he talks about, what he decided, who he decided it with, (And whether he shot them in the face) but it is a dangerous precedent to archive information like this because when it's release in 50 years it could be used against us by our enemies. (Enemies = Historians) That is why Cheney had to play his trump card, that he is not a member of the executive branch. Now some people still believe he is part of that branch I guess because Article 2 of the Constitution says quote: "The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his officer during the term of four years, and together with the Vice President, chose for the same term, be elected." But the Constitution was written a long time ago, there's a lot of archaic language in there. ("The writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended…") Our government has had to adapt. (NOT evolve) Now remember, after 9/11 President Bush quote: "…dispatched a shadow government..." with Cheney at the helm. Isn't it possible, that as head of this shadow government, Cheney was given shadow powers, at a shadow constitutional convention that wrote a shadow Article 2 that made him our government's fourth branch? (Branch really more of a Billy Club) I certainly hope so, because our non-shadow government has only three branches and they're always getting each others way. (Keystone Constitutionalists)

        It's a little like a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The President is the rock of course, he's like Saint Peter. (Denied secret prisons three times) Congress generates so many useless documents they're clearly paper. (Always getting reamed) And the Judicial are the scissors. Why do you think justice is blind? (Shot in face by Cheney) Each of these branches can beat the others and there's gridlock, but the Vice President's new undisclosed branch of government get things done. Here's how it works, Bobby, come here, let's do something. Let's play Rock, Paper, Scissors, Cheney. Okay? On three. 1-2-3.

        Bobby: Scissors!
        Stephen: I win.
        Bobby: Well, what do you have?
        Stephen: I can't tell you. But just trust me that it beats scissors, and it also beats rock and paper.
        Bobby: How?
        Stephen: I can't tell you how Bobby, it would endanger the nation and more importantly my ability to win this game.
        Bobby: Okay but…

        Stephen: So Rahm Emmanuel, leave Dick Cheney alone. The Vice President must not be compelled to drag his classified documents into the light. He is our shadow leader and as such he has the right to stick his papers where the sun don't shine.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen Colbert: Tonight, I examine Dick Cheney's power. Can he hold a meeting so secret that even he doesn't know about it?

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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