The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 56

Tom Wolfe

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 26, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Tom Wolfe
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Tonight Stephen welcomes author Tom Wolfe

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      • Stephen: …and it's tonight's Word: Mending Wall. Mending Wall is a poem by Robert Frost that says: "Good fences make good neighbors." This is particularly true when those neighbors cut the grass using car bombs. (Improvised gardening device) That is why the U.S. military is walling off certain areas of Baghdad, most notably the Ottomoia, Adhamaia? The Adhamiya neighborhood. Ought to wall off that word. The Adhamiya neighborhood, a Sunni enclave that is known to be a haven for insurgents. (And pleasant strolls with McCain) The folks who live there don't like and Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki himself wants to stop the construction. (Only construction going on in Iraq) And in response the U.S. has said we will quote: Respect the wishes of the government and the Prime Minister. (Respectfully ignore them) I think we just have a misunderstanding here. Iraqi's are under the impression that this is some sort of sectarian wall that's creating a Sunni ghetto, but the military doesn't see it this way. They say they're just building quote: "gated communities." As one Sergeant told the Washington Post: "They've been doing it in Florida, and the old people seem to like it." Yes! Like it and need it. Can you imagine what would happen in Florida if we didn't wall those seniors off from each other? (Early bird mortar attacks)

        The problem is folks, the military's forgotten the first rule of real estate: (Location, location, explosion?) salesmanship! So military listed up, first you need to give this gated community a new name that sounds exclusive yet homey. ("Green Zone?") For instance, my gates community is called Spurning Pines. And it is nice, you should visit sometime. (If you pass the cavity search) But I'm sorry, but the old name for this neighborhood, what is it, Ottomatahooya, (Kaboom!) it doesn't sound nice enough. How about Ancient Sands, or Sunni Skies. (Or "Non-Exploding Villas") Next go with the hard sell, invite prospective residents down for a free weekend. They get to use all the amenities, (Four hours of electricity) all they have to do is watch the promotional video. [Video: Allah Acres, a planned community dedicated to the dream of not blowing up.] It's worth a try. (Last throes of ideas) And a word to all the skeptics and naysayers out there who say concrete dividers can't unify this war torn nation, well according to the New York Times they already are. "Frustration Over Wall Unites Sunni and Shiite." This unified frustration is the most hopeful sign from Iraqi's since…I don't know when. (Abu Ghraib?) So if I may paraphrase Ronald Reagan, I call on you Mr. Al-Maliki, build up this wall. (Mending Wall)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: The only thing worth studying about a marlin is how to mount it above your mantle.

      • Stephen: Happy National TV Turn Off Week, you hypocrites! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: The US Army begins constructing walls in Iraq. Try sneaking in now Mexicans!

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