The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 41

Van Jones

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 01, 2008 on Comedy Central
8.4
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Van Jones
AIRED:
Stephen discusses the democratic presidential candidates, the economy and promotes Doritos. Stephens gets some welcome news about his portrait. Stephen welcomes the founder and president of Green For All, Van Jones. The topic of discussion is creating more "green" jobs for Americans and how this would benefit our country.moreless
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen: If you hug a tree for money, doesn't that make you a green-collar prostitute?

      • Stephen: I take a look at the future of health care. I really hope it's sexy robot nurses.

      • Stephen: …and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Pick Sicks. Now normally I wouldn't be excited about any idea from Oregon, ("Let's get high and kayak") but this is such a good idea I'm thinking of promoting them from California's Canada to California's coonskin cap. You see Oregon's state health plan has a budget to ensure just 24,000 of the 130,000 residents who qualify for it. So how will they figure out who gets the coverage? (A high kayaking contest?) Simple: a lottery.

        [Video: Michael Okwu: A state computer has begun to randomly select the names of 3,000 residents who will become eligible for Oregon's Standard Health Plan.]

        Stephen: Gambling for health insurance is a fantastic concept, health is a gamble anyway. (Stephen swallows random pills) In fact a healthcare lottery would be perfect for the whole country, it puts control back into the hands of the people, they get to pick their own lucky numbers. (Use birthday, cholesterol count) I say if you want to increase your odds you can join in with your coworkers to get a bunch of tickets, then if you win you can all split the liver transplant. And once the health lottery catches on we can expand the coverage. Need a prescription? You can have any medication you can grab with the mechanical claw. I might just play right now. [starts scratching off lotto ticket] I am way overdue for a prostate exam, it is like squatting on a melon. All right here we go. Prostate. Prostate! Awwwww….mammogram. I think we don't have to limit to procedures, we can use the lottery to get diagnoses too.

        [Lotto balls come out: Announcer: You are…34 pounds overweight, your prostate is 4 times it's normal size due to a 5 inch growth weighing 35 ounces meaning you have 22 months left to live.]

        Stephen: The lottery is the fastest, most cost effective way to provide Americans with the basic right of healthcare. (Next to actually providing it) And folks, it will work just as well with our other basic rights. [scratches off another ticket] Come on, Keep and Bear Arms, Keep and Bear Arms! Awww…..Freedom of the Press. I'd like to shoot those guys.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: If I'm gonna be hanging in your exhibit, that means...
        Brent Glass: OK. Stephen Colbert, you are a national treasure.
        Stephen: Yes!! Take that, Lincoln's stupid hat!...

    • NOTES (0)

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