The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 17

Wendy Kopp

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 05, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Wendy Kopp
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the founder of Teach for America, Wendy Kopp.
Today
11:30pm
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Wednesday
11:30pm
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Thursday
11:30pm
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

      • Stephen: …and they're also the subject of tonight's Word: Second Opinion. Folks, when I go to the doctor I don't accept his diagnosis unless it's something I like. (The rare "Golden Prostate") You see, if he's right and that rash on my chest is an allergy to shellfish, that means I can't eat shrimp anymore and I love shrimp. See I go from doctor to doctor until I find one who will tell me that it's just eczema, then I can eat all the shrimp I want. [starts scratching] Damn eczema. Nothing seems to help. We can handle global warming the same way folks. Sure this new report sounds horrible, but as long as we can find one scientist that says it's not happening, then it's not happening. (Denial is not just a river in Antarctica) And the administration is working very hard to find these one scientists. (Must first admit existence of science) In fact in Congressional hearings last week a witness testified that almost 60% of government climate scientists claimed they were quote: "…pressured to eliminate references to climate change." That's doing something to eliminate the problem. (And, eventually, Florida) It doesn't matter why the scientists left out references to global warming, they did, that means it's not happening. (If a glacier melts in the forest…)

        But folks, coercion will only take it so far. That's why I was happy to read that the American Enterprise Institute, a think tank funded in large part by Exxon-Mobil, just offered scientists 10,000 dollars each to dispute this week's climate report. I've always said the best science is the kind you pay for. (With your child's future) That's how we found out that cigarettes stimulate the T-zone, although 10,000 dollars might not be enough to get the science we want. To get that we need to start paying scientists the way we pay Exxon-Mobil executives. (With wheelbarrows) Last year they gave their outgoing CEO 400 million dollars, that's obscene, we could have used that money to pay off 40,000 scientists. (The geeks shall inherit the graft) Of course they're going to be some holdouts, because hard as it is to believe, some scientists don't get into it for the money. (In it for the Nobel groupies) But we don't need all of them, we just need a few to cast reasonable doubt. Because even if 99.9% of experts believe global warming is happening, as long as there's any disagreement, well, then all the science isn't in. (And the rest is underwater) You disagree? How about I give you 10,000 dollars and you give me a second opinion. (Second Opinion)

        And that's the Word

      • Stephen: Tonite, climate scientists say that global warming is real. Meanwhile, I'm freezing my ass off. Explain that science! Plus, California considers banning the light bulb. Another victory for that bastard Tesla. And I'll sit down with Wendy Kopp, founder of Teach for America. Tonite, she's going to be taught by America (pen pointing at himself). Hey...Payton Manning...I'm going to Disney World too. Let's go halfsies on a day pass. This is The Colbert Report.

        Stephen: Welcome to The Report. What a game last night. Nothing I enjoy more than seeing bears slaughtered. Turns out...turns out their weakness is rain. And holding onto the ball. Outdoorsmen, if you see a bear, just pray for rain and it will fumble your children.

        Stephen: A lot of my interns...you know, they say they're going to go off...Teach for America and I feel I do that every night...teach for America.
        Wendy: In a way...
        Stephen: Uh-mm...in a way? Thank you for that validation.

        Stephen: So do as I say, not as I do...there's your lesson right there.

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