The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 115

Will Power

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 18, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Will Power
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Tonight Stephen welcomes actor, performer, rapper, playwright and educator Will Power.

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      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Wiper Fluid. Torture is illegal. The U.S. obeys the law. Therefore the U.S. does not torture so we need to make it legal. (With tortured logic) Unfortunately Republican Senators John McCain, John Warner and former Secretary of State Colin Powell oppose the President's plan, because they're not seeing it clearly. They're seeing it through the dirty windshield of their own military experience. (It's Abu Grubby) First of all, John McCain was tortured as a prison of war so he's not objective. Now if John McCain introduces a bill to prohibit the torturing of John McCain I'm all for it! In fact, I can't think of a single person who would want to torture John McCain. (Except Karl Rove in 2000 South Carolina primary) Now as for Colin Powell, sure he was a general, but who can trust that guy? He got up in front of the U.N with a bottle of baby power and started talking about Saddam cooking up anthrax in a Winnebago. (Parked at Anbar KOA) You know, he really misled the President. (Earned that Medal of Freedom) And John Warner is a veteran of two wars who served Secretary of the Navy. I think I heard someplace that he was a torture victim. (Married to Elizabeth Taylor) Now I'm sorry, these guys are all confused, combat does that to a man, we all saw Rambo.

        Now fortunately there is a solution, (Detain them without charges?) the clarifying language the President wants to put in. Now so far, for some reason, when it comes to what the President actually thinks should and should not be allowed, we're in the dark. (Under a hood with electrodes stuck to genitals) Now I guess the opposition just won't let him get his message out. So Mr. President, I hereby offer you my show. Simply come on and describe in detail what you propose we should be allowed to do to the detainees under the Geneva Conventions. And if you'd like to demonstrate you can use my stage manager Bobby. We'll give him an epidural and you can go to town. I personally think the image of the President saying specifically what to him is not an outrage on human dignity will make everyone see his position very clearly. Like of squirt of wiper fluid right in the eyes. (Put it on the list, Mr. President)

        And that's the Word.

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