The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 84

Will Smith

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 24, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Will Smith
Tonight Stephen welcomes rapper, actor and star of Hancock, Will Smith. Also, Stephen talks on the phone with biologist Dr. Jason Bond about naming a spider after Stephen.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Evidently George Carlin is the man who banned the seven words you can't say on television. A brave move which brings us to tonight's Word: Bleep. The 1970s were a disgusting time, everyone's hair was long and greasy. (Shagflation) People streaked naked on their way to the next wife swapping and an innocent President [Nixon] was publicly vilified simply for violating the Constitution. (Even wiretapped self) But evidently the 70s were cleaned up by a nice young man named George Carlin. (Helped by cop from Village People) Before Mr. Carlin famously banned those words, TV was a cesspool of foul language. ("Nanu, Nanu!") Of course we all remember when Walter Cronkite said the OPEC oil embargo was something that quote: Something that sucked ass.

        But thanks to George Carlin, a fearless warrior in the fight for censorship, there are seven words you will never hear on TV. ("This reality show is a terrible idea") Instead if TV must deal with unpleasant subjects they have to use nice substitutes for each word like (S**t) poop, (P**s) tinkle, (F**k) intercourse, (C***) cho-cho, (****sucker) oral enthusiast, (Mother**ker) father, (T*ts) and um…let's say dodgeballs. Thank you George Carlin, thank you. Few people have done more to repress what other people can say, and most of the other ones are Vladimir Putin. ("Putin" – Another good word for a "Cho-Cho") So folks, let us all continue his work. There are so many other words I don't want to hear anymore. Like anti-authoritarian, questioning, rulebreaking and chipoltle, it's just spicy mayonnaise. So here's to the heroic, repressive spirit of George Carlin.

        And that (Interrupted by director Jim Hoskinson)
        Jimmy: Stephen?
        Stephen: What is it Jimmy? I'm doing the Word.
        Jimmy: George Carlin was a comedian. He didn't ban those words, he used them to point out the ridiculousness of banning words in the first place.
        Stephen: Seriously?
        Jimmy: Yes.
        Stephen: (looks at Carlin's picture) You motherf**ker.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen Colbert: I'll tell you another reason why I like you, Sir. Your movies open on the fourth of July. You're Mr. Fourth of July. That practically makes you a founding father.
        Will Smith: At a minimum, a founding brother.

      • Stephen Colbert: Are you supporting Obama because you'd secretly like to play him in the movie of his life?
        Will Smith: Absolutely. I'm supporting him because I want to help him write the end of the movie.
        Stephen Colbert: Let me ask you something, though. As an actor, wouldn't it be more of a challenge to play John McCain for you? That would be a stretch.
        Will Smith: Yeah, that's a stretch. I could give that a shot.
        Stephen Colbert: That's Oscar territory. I don't know if you've heard him give speeches. He seems mentally challenged.
        Will Smith: You know how far that is from Oscar territory?

      • Stephen Colbert: (to guest Will Smith) I have every reason to distrust and not like you because you are a member of the Hollywood elite. How come I like you so much?

      • Stephen: My guest tonight is an actor, singer, global megasuperstar. Well, I got a spider named after me.

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