The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 151

Will Wright

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 04, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Will Wright
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Tonight Stephen welcomes computer game designer Will Wright.
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      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: American Orthodox. So the Christian Coalition are afraid of they'll be called liberals, I don't blame them. After all there's nothing more Christian than refusing to do good works because you might be called a name. Especially the name "liberal," because one thing we know for sure: Jesus was a conservative. (Ascended by own bootstraps) After all He hated welfare. Why do you think He was so upset when Judas took that government handout? (Thirty pieces of government cheese) Even the word orthodox comes from the Latin "ortho" meaning right and "duxa" meaning thinking and the Christian Coalition has always thought right. (Extreme right) It was founded by Pat Robertson from the remnants of his failed 1988 Presidential bid, (Quit to spend more time with health shake) and it pioneered the process of bringing Evangelical voters to the Republican Party with their trademarked blend of traditional values (Gay bashing) and Reverend Hunter's agenda would have been a bastardization of the Coalition's Christian message. I mean fight global warming? Our Lord was no tree hugger. (Meek shall inherit what's left of the Earth) On Palm Sunday Jesus encourage townspeople to throw palm fronds at His feet while He rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, an animal notorious for its greenhouse gas emissions. (Should have gone with hybrid mule)

        Now if Jesus was so anti-poverty, how come he didn't end poverty? I mean, He raised the dead, He let the blind see and He made the lepers less lepery. (Apply directly to the forehead) No, Jesus instructed us that the poor will always be with us. (Like a bad penny – but without the penny) Now Reverend Hunter seems to want to make Jesus look like a liar. (Liar, liar, shroud on fire) Now some of you are going to say: Stephen, but Jesus said to sell all our things and give the money to the poor. Exactly! Jesus contradicted Himself a lot. It's hard to know what He meant sometimes. (Need Mel Gibson to translate) Which is why it is so important that the Christian Coalition keep their focus on two things: Reproductive rights and gay marriage. (Add flag burning for Holy Trinity) On those subjects Jesus was very consistent. He never said a thing about either of them so it's easy to know what He thought: whatever the Christian Coalition says He thought. You can trust that because no one thinks more right than them. (American Orthodox)

        And that's the Word.

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