The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 38

Willie Nelson

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 20, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Willie Nelson
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Tonight Stephen welcomes country music legend Willie Nelson.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Stephen: Being Gay is like a test, and if you make it through a night with another guy, without any contact between the two of you, you passed the test.

      • Stephen: But Why'd you have to steal my Ice Cream Time?!

      • Stephen: …which brings me to tonight's Word: Supernatural. I am on record as saying homosexuality is a choice like left handedness and hair color. (Just for men) But Reverend Mohler has made me rethink my position. (Missionary) Because as he explained quote: "Finding a biological causation for homosexuality may also lead to the discovery of a 'cure' for the same phenomenon." He thinks the cure may be a hormone releasing patch that pregnant women can wear on their abdomens. (Next to their nicotine patch) Well, whatever saves those babies from homosexuality. For too long people have been suffering with the tragic disease of having been born gay. (Their telethon: The Tonys) Now I know a lot of the love-your-fellow-man huggers out there are going to say: If you're born gay then it's natural, God created you that way, and God don't make no junk. (Except occasionally in trunk) No, but, God does create tests and that's what being gay is, a test. (S.A.Tease) If he makes you homosexual and you don't have gay sex, you pass. (With flaming colors) God is testing us non gays too. He said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," well, if I were gay I would want someone to cure me. (Worked for Ted Haggard)

        And as for homosexuality being natural, who said that something being natural makes it right? The natural world isn't right, only the Bible is right. (Ham and cheese sandwich=Eternity in Hell) And folks, according to the Bible the natural world has been out of whack since Adam & Eve bit the apple and got thrown out of Eden. (Eden now gated community) We have got to get back to that first perfection. Curing gay fetuses through invitro hormonal therapy is a good start but it is not far enough. We can use science to make the world look more like the Bible. (Already working on flood) It is time that we genetically engineer lions that will lay down with lambs and sticks that turn into snakes. And according to the Old Testament, the sun goes around the Earth, so I am calling on NASA to attach giant rockets to the sun and get it to revolve around our globe. I certainly hope I get Reverend Mohler to support me, because then the world just won't be natural, it will be supernatural. (Supernatural)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: It seems to me, the homosexual agenda wants to have its cake and have gay sex with it too.

      • Stephen: Hey camels! Stop showing off and drink something. This is the Cobert Report!

      • Stephen: It's Stephen Colbert Day in Oshawa, Ontario. Finally, a reason to visit Canada.

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