The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 146

Woody Harrelson

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 12, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Woody Harrelson
Tonight Stephen welcomes actor and star of The Messenger, Woody Harrelson.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: There's a national ammunition shortage, so this season I'm going deer wrestling. Then: The latest on our sponsorship of U.S. Speedskating. I've always dreamed of seeing my name in lycra. And my guest actor Woody Harrelson has a new movie. I wonder what white men can't do now. TGIF: Thank God It's Firsday. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: The U.S. dollar is in terrible shape. It's moved down against the yen, it's moved down against the euro and last week it moved down to its mom's basement. She is so worried about it. But folks I believe there is a reliable way to revalue our currency and it brings us to tonight's Word: The Money Shot. You know, the dollar used to be backed by the gold at Fort Knox, but the U.S. went off the gold standard in 1971. Now the dollar is just green paper whose theoretical value is in direct relation to collective faith in economic stability of the United States. (E-Pluribus uh-oh) But folks, there is a way to strengthen the dollar and you know what, it's thanks to Barack Obama. You see even before Obama was elected gun rights groups were running around like chickens with their heads blown off.

        [Video: Karl Rusch: Now that we've learned that Barack Obama supports a huge new tax on my guns and ammo and he voted to ban virtually all deer hunting ammunition. No politician is going to take away my guns and ammo.]

        Stephen: Now so far Obama hasn't taken away anyone's guns or ammo. (Stop dithering!) But just the fear that he might has already had a chilling effect/

        [Video clips: Reporter: In a country where there are at least 250 million privately owned firearms, there is now a severe shortage of ammunition…
        Reporter: At gun stores nationwide the ammo aisles look like the grocery shelves before a hurricane.
        Jay Wallace: They're afraid they're not going to be able to get ammunition anymore so they're buying it and stockpiling it.
        Pundit: I can't get enough guns, I can't get enough ammo…
        Yosemite Sam: (Shooting wildly) Yipppee!!!!!]

        Stephen: CNN, I think I just found Lou Dobbs replacement. You see, there's no ammunition left because everyone bought it up fearing that there would be no ammunition left. The gun rights crowds aren't self deluding nut jobs. (Just self-fulfilling prophets) Well, I see an opportunity in this crisis. If we really want to save the dollar, we should just peg it to what is clearly America's most precious metal of all: lead. Because just last year gold may have risen 52% but the price of ammo has tripled. So I say the government should stop minting cash and start making bullets. (Can't be more dangerous than a credit card) After all, they are a natural replacement for money, the already come in so many handy denominations: 22s, 38s, 45s, ("Can you break a hollow-tip .357?") plus you can buy a very stylish money belt, [picture of man with bullet belt] that guy is loaded. And for the millions of Americans in debt just think of how satisfying it would be to pay the collection agency. (Say hello to my little checkbook) So, Treasury, Fed, let's ditch that dirty paper that's only backed by our faith in our country and replace it with bullets, because their value is backed by something that shows no sign of declining: The irrational fear of Barack Obama. (The money shot)

        And that's the Word.

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