The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 25

Zev Chafets

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 26, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Zev Chafets
Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist, former press secretary for Menachem Begin and author of A Match Made in Heaven: American Jews, Christian Zionists, and One Man’s Exploration of the Weird and Wonderful Judeo-Evangelical Alliance, Zev Chafets.
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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (2)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen: We should not be rewarding portrayals of heroin addicted grandpas. Seniors have enough trouble affording drugs as it is.

      • Stephen: Actresses, either your dress is strapless or it's not, get off the fence! We're at war!

      • Stephen: The award for the best adaptation of the truth goes to...This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: A turn of events which brings us to tonight's Word: Success. The White House responded to the British pullout as quote: "President Bush sees this as a sign of success…" And the Vice President couldn't agree more.

        [Video: Dick Cheney: What I see is an affirmation of the fact that parts of Iraq where things are going pretty well…"]

        Stephen: And what reasons is there to think he's lying? (Because his lips are moving?) Of course the British, folks, the British are humble, they're downplaying the triumph saying the withdrawal is simply because the British military is approaching quote: "operational failure." Typical British reserve, it's not in their nature to brag, nobody does a touchdown dance at a soccer game. (Until the riot's over) In fact the British as so modest that their commander in Basra said: "When I cam up here….I was looking for a hundred percent solution. But this is Iraq…so a sixty percent solution is good enough for me." And sixty percent has always been good enough for our President. (A gentleman's D-minus) Now of course the "How many more American soldiers have to die for a failed policy" huggers out there are going to say that if a British pullout means we're winning, why can't we pullout to? Well there's a big difference. (Tony Blair cares about the future of his party)

        Whenever British troops pull out of a country, democracy flourishes. Look no farther than the American Revolution. We didn't have a democracy until the redcoats high tailed it out of here. (They fled as liberators) Same thing in India, once the British left India became the world's largest democracy. (Declaration of Bindi-Pendence) But folks, when America pulls out of a country it's a disaster. Remember what happened in Vietnam. (Somebody should have) They only way this could be a bigger sign of success is if more allies pulled out. (Olly-olly-ally-free!) I'm looking at you Moldova! We appreciate your troop commitment of twelve soldiers, (Came in a Dodge Caravan) but you are making us look like we can't fight our own battles without twelve Moldovans. Same goes for Estonia, Mongolia, Bosnia-Herzegovina and El Salvador you can all go. Because back in 2003 when we were building international support for this war success meant gathering a coalition of the willing, and England was the first onboard. But four years later England is pulling out so success must mean something else. (A coalition of the leaving)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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