Lewis Black: You can always tell when it's Earth Day when the CO2 emissions from the worlds smokestacks start paling in comparison to celebrity emissions telling us we can save the Earth is start acting a little more like them. Just ask Matt Damon, who contributed this tip to Oprah Winfrey's Earth Day Special.
[Video: Matt Damon: I've got a great one for you. If your house is anything like mine…]
Lewis: Stop. It's not. It's a lot smaller and it doesn't have an Affleck shaped dent in the couch. Oprah herself showed off her Earth Day spirit by wearing a sweater she accidentally washed with her money. And giving away Earth friendly products to her audience.
[Video: Oprah Winfrey: We're going to bring out the bulbs so you can have….]
Lewis: Oooh! A light bulb giveaway huh!? You really think that will undo the environmental damage cause by this? [Video: Oprah: Everybody gets a car!] Over on ABC, 20/20 both documented and lived out mankind's excess by flying reporters to file live reports from six of the seven continents.
[Video: John Quinones: Every second of every single day thousands of trees are being cut down. In fact in just the one minute I've been talking and area the size of 60 football fields has been wiped out.]
Lewis: Then for God's sake stop talking! You're inane blather is raping the Earth! Host Diane Sawyer talked to a scientist from Antarctica and found out its cold there.
[Video: Stephen Padin: You can step outside for a few seconds but you certainly don't want to stand around for a minute or two. You get frostbitten very quickly at these temperatures.
Diane Sawyer: So is your pole thinning?]
Lewis: I'll tell you right now, if I go through the trouble of placing a satellite call just to hear Diane Sawyer's voice, she better not thin my pole. Still, my favorite Earth Day special had to be this. Pimp My Ride, a show devoted to creating the least efficient vehicles in human history, has the nerve to throw its own Earth Day celebration on Sunday.
[Video: Mad Mike: You probably want to ask: Mad Mike are there really any benefits to using bio-diesel? Hell yeah! This stuff reduces nasty diesel emissions by almost 80%, it ends acid rain, which I personally love, because I hate that sh*t.]
Lewis: Biatch! It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissidence! Any other final thoughts?
[Video: Oprah: I just want you to move now to a cloth bag.
Diane: Use less gasoline.
Owen Wilson: There are kind of little things that you can do.
Matt Damon: Do something wonderful for you life and get rid of this junk.]
Lewis: So there you have it. Advice on saving planet Earth from a bunch of people who couldn't even save Planet Hollywood!
Moment of Zen: President Bush drumming and dancing away with African dancers for Malaria Awareness Day.