Host (Season 4+)
Correspondent (Season 11+)
Correspondent (Season 8+)
Jon Stewart (regarding Alberto Gonzales' testimony): Alright. We cannot ask this administration questions before, during, or after an investigation is over.
Rob Riggle: It's like Yogi Berra said, "It ain't over."
Alberto Gonzales (clip): Mr. Chairman, it is my understanding that what Mr. Sampson engaged in was a process of consulting with the senior leadership in the department about the performance of specific individuals, and that toward the end of that process, in the fall of 2006, what was presented to me was a recommendation that I understood to be the consensus recommendation of the senior leadership of the department.
Jon Stewart: Mr. Chairman, little help.
Rep. John Conyers, Jr. (D)-MI (clip): In other words you don't know.
Jon Stewart: Wow, he speaks fluent Alberto.
Jon Stewart (about the Queen): When she had dinner with the President, she was wearing a diamond hat.
Jeremy Paxman: Yes. You were jealous?
Samantha Bee: Mormons, according to what PBS recently told me, Mormonism was founded way back in 1830 by Joseph Smith who tried to make Christianity more relevant to Americans by claiming Zion is in the United States, the Garden of Eden is in Missouri, and after His resurrection Jesus visited America. And lo He did feed the multitudes from a Ding Dong and a single bag of Funyuns, and yea, they were obese.
Moment of Zen: Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Cal.) from the House Judiciary Committee grilling Alberto Gonzales.
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