Senior Olympics Correspondent
Jon Stewart: Here's what I don't get. So, our plan with China is engage them, more trade, more things because our feeling is, as capitalism seeps into your bloodstream, it changes your molecular structure, and you love us and you want Baywatch and you want to play with us. So, we use that against them. But, with Cuba, a communist system, we say no one can breathe on them. No one can go near them. Why are those two such disparate strategies?
Philip Pan: Well, I don't know which strategy is going to work better. Basically, we assume free markets will lead to free societies but that's not been the case in China. We've had thirty years of economic growth and free market enterprise there but the government has still been able to stay in power. They use the capitalism system actually to stay in power.
(speaking to Olympic Gold Chinese gymnast winners)
Jon Stewart: First of all, congratulations on the gold. But did you get it fairly? Are you all really 16? I don't know. To be honest, you all look alike to me. I'm talking about young people. I'm 45. So, anyone born post- Ghostbusters 2 sort of just blends together into one huge apple-cheeked, nubile symbol of my mortality...We're not sour about losing the gold. We're outraged that you're being exploited. We want to take you away from these athlete-producing sweatshop systems and get you back where you belong, with the other 12 year old Chinese girls at the actual sweatshops. You'll still be connected to gymnastics. You'll be making gym sneakers for our children who will probably end up quitting because gymnastics is hard. So, we're cool, right?
(Stewart uses chalk prop to bandage hand and speaks to gymnasts on camera 3 but also chokes on dust from powder)
Jon Stewart: Holy sh*t! Hey kids, want to know how you can trigger your asthma at home?
(Age specialist evaluates Chinese gymnasts' age by analyzing their physical features)
Jon Stewart: You can judge someone's age by their chin? Does that mean Jay Leno is 147?
(MSNBC news clip exposes lip syncing during Olympic opening)
Jon Stewart: Motherf**ker! How dare you? How dare China do something we do at the Super Bowl every year. China, just be glad that I, Jon Stewart, no longer have the authority to declare war. So, the adorable little girl who sang the opening ceremony was actually not the singer of the song. She was lip syncing. Why wouldn't you just use the little girl who actually sang the song?
Reporter: (clip) The reason was for the national interest, he says. The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings, and expression. The decision, he says, went as high as the Politburo.
Jon Stewart: Wow, you thought your middle school years were hard. Imagine if your government got together and decided you weren't cute. This is outrageous, crushing a little girl's dream for superficiality. No matter what this kid looks like-I mean, can we see what the other one looks like. (shows picture of girl and Stewart feigns vomiting) She's hideous! We should all have kids as cute as that girl.
Jon Stewart: Philip Pan is our guest, obviously the inventor of the pan pizza.
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