The Day Today

Season 1 Episode 3


Aired Wednesday 9:00 PM Feb 02, 1994 on BBC Two
out of 10
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Episode Summary

The London Underground's secret shame of marrauding horses. The BBC ditching the Nine O'Clock News in favour of a new soap opera called 'The Bureau'. The Queen and John Major knocking lumps out of eachother. Interviews in the dentist chair. The Pool gets sinister. Death Row weddings and Alan getting hot and steamy in a showjumper's dressing room.moreless

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    Rebecca Front

    Rebecca Front

    Valerie Sinatra, Barbara Wintergreen, Rosy May & various

    Doon MacKichan

    Doon MacKichan


    Chris Morris

    Chris Morris

    Himself & various

    Steve Coogan

    Steve Coogan

    Alan Partridge & various

    David Schneider

    David Schneider

    Brant, Sylvester Stewart & various

    Patrick Marber

    Patrick Marber

    Peter O'Hanarha-hanrahan / Jaques-"Jaques" Liverot / Chapman Baxter & various

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (9)

      • Morris: Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines... Today, 'You could blow notes across the holes in his head says Sinatra doc', the Herald Tribune go with 'Boiled dog could do maths claims experimenter', the European, 'Elastic song strangles Hucknall', the Daily Telegraph and other broadsheets feature tabs down the sides for ease of turning the pages, and the Independent go with 'Portillo's face felt like guts says girl'. That's it, just to let you know that police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in Islington. The 59 year old actor escaped police after a low speed car chase, and was last seen heading north on the M11 near Saffron Walden. Good night.

      • Mandement: This pool's been open nearly 40 years, and in that time I only slipped up once, to my mind. I was engaged in a particularly tricky word puzzle and 40 people broke in and were in the pool, playing around, ducking, bombing and doing all manner of prohibited activities, and eventually someone was killed.
        Interviewer: Given that your sole responsibility is to maintain the security of the pool, isn't that an indictment against yourself?
        Mandement: I would say this - I've been working here for 18 years, and in 1975 no-one died. In 1976, no-one died. In 1977, no-one died. In 1978, no-one died. In 1979, no-one died. In 1980... someone died. In 1981, no-one died. In 1982 there was the incident with the pigeon. In 1983, no-one died. In 1984, no-one died. In 1985, no-one died. In 1986... I mean, I could go on.
        Interviewer: No.

      • Keith Mandemant: I'm the pool supervisor, the night supervisor - I basically watch the monitors at night to see if anything occurs. There was one incident, I remember it quite clearly, I was filling in a puzzle and I heard a noise, a commotion up in the rafters. Somehow, and it's never known to this day how, a pigeon had got in and was flapping about in the rafters. We called a bird specialist, who removed it in the morning.

      • Reporter: The airjam started about two o'clock this afternoon, bringing chaos to Heathrow and Gatwick, both airports, today. In an airjam, there's a 3-D gridlock in the air, and no way out. The planes just slow down and stop. It's been known for years that airjam could happen, but no emergency measures were ever made. The last- minute efforts of Transport Secretary John MacGregor this afternoon did little to help. [Shot of a man dressed as a clown entertaining kids] The irony is, that while these people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die and end up like the ratatouille which these people ate at the canteens which are responding to strong demand at the moment here.

      • Morris: And as a result of that broadcast, the crisis has deepend dramatically! I'm joined by our crisis correspondent, Spartacus Mills. Spartacus, this is huge history happening, isn't it?
        Mills: It's bigger than that, Chris, it's large. If you've got a history book at home, take it out, throw it in the bin - it's worthless. The history books will now have to be rewritten.
        Morris: What will they say?
        Mills: They'll quite simply say "John Major punched the Queen". Everything else will be a footnote.
        Morris: We're pushed for time - can you sum it up in a word?
        Mills: No.
        Morris: A sound?
        Mills: Wooouuoaaaahhhh.
        Morris: Spartacus, thank you

      • Morris: Sorry Alan, I'm going to have to interrupt you - we've just had news of a dramatic incident... the Queen and John Major have had a fight! It's believed to have happened during the Prime Minister's weekly meeting at Buckingham Palace. On the big screen now is our correspondent, Jennifer Gompertz. Gompertz [outside Buck House]: The Prime Minister's weekly meeting normally lasts an hour. But today, he was seen to leave hurriedly after just 17 minutes. It's clear that a strong disagreement took place, a disagreement which may have involved physical violence. Some palace staff say they heard loud swearing voices, and the sound of bodies falling against furniture. One says he saw Mr Major emerge with a red mark across his face and bleeding legs. Seconds after The Prime Ministers departure, the Queen's doctor arrived at speed and ran inside. Neither the Palace nor Downing Street have issued an official statement so far.

      • Hennety: Oi! What's goin' on 'ere? This is supposed to be a high class bureau de change, not some two-bit Punch and Judy show on the seafront at Margate!

      • Morris: News! London Underground say they may have to close the underground system due to an infestation of horses. A report described the conditions in the equine plague as "like an abattoir in a power cut". Ted Maul reports.
        Ted Maul: For years, the system of tunnels and shafts has supported a small population of wild horses without bothering the commuters. The only pest control necessary was performed by the teams of 'fluffers', who to this day still remove clots of hair from the tracks. Then in 1970 came the 'crackers', special staff who had to patrol the darkened tunnels every day and kill the horses with hammers. Now, say officials, the horses have become a menace.

      • Morris: On The Day Today tonight, teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly, Heseltine fading fast [shot of an old African woman], and headmaster suspended for using big-faced child as satellite dish. This is the neeeews!

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)