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The Day Today

Season 1 Episode 5


Aired Wednesday 9:00 PM Feb 16, 1994 on BBC Two
out of 10
User Rating
3 votes

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Episode Summary

The Pound is stolen. Alan goes rally driving. Corpses rigged up to speak to murderers. Clamping the homeless. The anniversary of 1944. Slemmel's Disease and WAR declared live on air between Hong Kong and Australia.

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    Rebecca Front

    Rebecca Front

    Valerie Sinatra, Barbara Wintergreen, Rosy May & various

    Doon MacKichan

    Doon MacKichan


    Chris Morris

    Chris Morris

    Himself & various

    Steve Coogan

    Steve Coogan

    Alan Partridge & various

    David Schneider

    David Schneider

    Brant, Sylvester Stewart & various

    Patrick Marber

    Patrick Marber

    Peter O'Hanarha-hanrahan / Jaques-"Jaques" Liverot / Chapman Baxter & various

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (11)

      • Morris: Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines - 'Plastic surgeon arrested with stash of stolen mouths', that's in the Express, the Hull Aphrodite, 'Police chief crushes lizard with whistle', there he is looking wretched, the Daily Mail, 'Child made of paint wins by-election', the Murdoch papers tomorrow, 'Crazed wolves in store a bad mistake admits Mothercare', and there's the same story in the Sun, and the Daily Mirror have a special pull-out note for the milkman, 'five pints please', they'll be doing three, two and four later in the week. That's it, that's The Day Today on the day a man on this programme told how he was menaced by Hugh Sculley.

      • Kitty Froslin: Electricity was very, very expensive, but you had to have a light of some kind, so we had the, I don't know, we thought it was quite a good idea, you see babies have such a lot of energy, they're always on the go, so we used to connect the house to a baby, and that used to keep the lights going.

      • Morris: Today is the anniversary of 1944. People did different things then, and lived different lives. This Day Today reminiscipackage features contemporary memories and footage from a time when a five speed, three litre Ford Capri was the stuff of a madman's dreams.
        Interviewer: What was the food situation like in those days?
        Louisa Smams: Dreadful, of course it was dreadful. Sometimes we even had to eat bits of the house. Bricks, and... the mortar was tastier than the actual bricks because after all, it had been mixed up once, so you could mix it up again. You used to try to get it off other people's houses, of course, houses that had been bombed and broken down, but sometimes you had to eat your own house, and it was better to find yourself without a house than without food.

      • Rosie May: Enviromation from me, Rosie May. A revolution in household heating is sweeping across America - frozen fire. Normal fire is solidified in special cold furnaces, and packaged for home freezer storage. It can then be defrosted at a later date and poured onto logs. Frozen fire saves heat. The echo from the nuclear bomb that destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again. Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter, and will strike Japan in 2041. It's not yet known if the city will be evacuated. I'm Rosie May - tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face.

      • Morris: : For the second night running, London's police are out in force, clamping the homeless. The new measures have been in operation since Monday, and are already proving successful.
        [Shots of a London street at night. Homeless people have been locked in place by large yellow clamps around their feet.]
        Reporter: : The clamps are bolted onto any homeless person found asleep or motionless after 9pm at night. This is the time when London's street people start accumulating in doorways, many of them drunk and pissed up on booze. The clamps ensure than any homeless who has caused a blockage is forced to stay put when they wake up [a row of clamped men is passed by 'The Bureau' on their truck]; they've probably been sick too. They are then prosecuted and punished.
        Morris: : And reaction to the new measures has been strong - so far we've spoken to Kim Wilde.
        Morris: : Does it make you feel bad when they clamp homeless people on the Strand?
        Wilde: : ...when they *clamp* them?
        Morris: : Yeah. Businesses on the Strand getting in people to clamp them so they can't move away and they're persecuted, and then they're fined for being in the way.
        [Wilde looks absolutely horrified.]
        Wilde: : I didn't know that, that's awful
        Morris: : Would you call for clamps to be illegalised?
        Wilde: : Certainly on human beings, it's obscene!

      • Collatley SistersThe pound was barely audible this morning, it rotted by 3.9 points against the dollar, and there was further bad news for coke developers Watney Heckbulb nrrrrrrrrrr, who were ordered to cease trading because of bad burping. Chris. Chris. On now to the money markets, and the international finance arse. [Another insane graphic, this time of two globes being pushed together] And there you can see that the US and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4, but increased trading forced the two together to form a unified arse at around lunchtime, which held for the rest of the day. In summary then, oh no. Chris.

      • Morris [chuckling at the report]: BBC mandarins are bleating again, this time because their new soap opera 'The Bureau' has plummetted out of the ratings. A BBC spokesman said "Don't read too much into the fact that we're sending them out on tour to the regions on the back of a truck, it's not to drum up support, it's standard policy for all programmes".

      • Morris: It's been revealed that the junior Treasury Minister, Michael Portillo, carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming "As long as it's got a backbone, I'll do it". That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.

      • MORRIS: Throughout the day, bank officials have refused to confirm the rumours that the pound was only vulnerable at all because they removed it to play with at lunchtime and forgot to put it back. Later tonight we'll be asking Malcolm Rifkind for his view, and asking him why he likes pulling the legs off live dogs and shooting foreign policemen.

      • Morris: The pound was stolen at 1.30 this afternoon by thieves dressed as cleaners. They drove a white Montego - helicopter police gave chase [footage of a speeding Montego crashing into another car] but despite the shunt the men escaped, making good with their legs across open ground. [A freeze frame shows two sets of animated footprints hurrying away from the crash] As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve. This meant anyone mad enough to seize on the panic selling of dead pounds could become a dollar millionaire in less than an hour.

      • Morris: The headlines tonight - Euro MPs headsets play the sound of screaming women, Bryan Ferry bathmat poisonous say lab and bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth. Those are the headlines - happy now?

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