The Day Today

Season 1 Episode 1

The First

0
Aired Wednesday 9:00 PM Jan 19, 1994 on BBC Two
9.7
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Episode Summary

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The First
AIRED:
A prisoner in Alabama dying on the electric toilet in deference to Elvis. Prince Charles making brushes in prison. An wxpose of cruelty to VIcars in the Church of England. Not forgetting Alan Partridge's annual sporting highlights.

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SUBMIT REVIEW
    Rebecca Front

    Rebecca Front

    Valerie Sinatra, Barbara Wintergreen, Rosy May & various

    Doon MacKichan

    Doon MacKichan

    Various

    Chris Morris

    Chris Morris

    Himself & various

    Steve Coogan

    Steve Coogan

    Alan Partridge & various

    David Schneider

    David Schneider

    Brant, Sylvester Stewart & various

    Patrick Marber

    Patrick Marber

    Peter O'Hanarha-hanrahan / Jaques-"Jaques" Liverot / Chapman Baxter & various

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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    • TRIVIA (2)

      • The graphics and music that expertly caricatured the high-tech, dramatic style which was now commonplace on TV were contributed by Russell Hilliard and Richard Norley, creators of the then-current ITN News graphics, who welcomed the opportunity to stretch their style in this spoof.

      • The sports correspondent Alan Partridge, was later granted his own TV show, Knowing Me... Knowing You which, in turn, led to I'm Alan Partridge.

    • QUOTES (16)

      • Malahide: A common studio accident - a man being electrocuted in the face by a loose cable. But what made the accident uncommon was that it was caught on one of these - [She points to a camcorder] - a home camcorder. Hello, I'm Remedy Malahide. And tonight I'll be showing you just a couple of the many thousands of unattractive events poured onto a lens by you the public in... "Genutainment". First, these remarkable scenes of an audacious bank robbery were captured by Miss Susan Bryers, who owns the security cameras at the Norwood branch of Natwest.

      • Malahide: A common studio accident - a man being electrocuted in the face by a loose cable. But what made the accident uncommon was that it was caught on one of these - [She points to a camcorder] - a home camcorder. Hello, I'm Remedy Malahide. And tonight I'll be showing you just a couple of the many thousands of unattractive events poured onto a lens by you the public in... "Genutainment". First, these remarkable scenes of an audacious bank robbery were captured by Miss Susan Bryers, who owns the security cameras at the Norwood branch of Natwest.

      • Morris: This weekend, BBC2 celebrates changing attitudes in the last 35 years of television with Attitudes Night.
        [A black and white piece of footage. A gallows is being set up in a studio, and a man walked towards it. A caption reads "Hanging From Studio B2" (1953)]
        Condublasney Piper: Here we are at the hanging - it's a very sombre atmosphere, the condemned man has just arrived with the executioner, Mr Albert Marsh, who's highly respected.
        Morris: The evening begins with a chance to savour again Great Britain's last televised hanging.
        Piper: It's a nylon-hemp mix rope tonight, for the first time ever. That's what he wanted, that's what he's got - it's to guarantee extra strength.

      • Morris: This weekend, BBC2 celebrates changing attitudes in the last 35 years of television with Attitudes Night.
        [A black and white piece of footage. A gallows is being set up in a studio, and a man walked towards it. A caption reads "Hanging From Studio B2" (1953)]
        Condublasney Piper: Here we are at the hanging - it's a very sombre atmosphere, the condemned man has just arrived with the executioner, Mr Albert Marsh, who's highly respected.
        Morris: The evening begins with a chance to savour again Great Britain's last televised hanging.
        Piper: It's a nylon-hemp mix rope tonight, for the first time ever. That's what he wanted, that's what he's got - it's to guarantee extra strength.

      • Sky: A young deacon was being inordinated, then during the inordination ceremony we would hum during his sermon, so we would be going "mmmmmmmmmmmm" and he would be trying to speak, not knowing who was humming.
        Smax: How many of you were humming?
        Sky: About 200 of us, 200 vicars all going "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm".
        Smax: But while some are brave enough to speak out, others are still quietly being beaten up. Here in the vestry of St Champs in Coventry, we've rigged up one of our cameras to record some bad ecclesiastical hurting.

      • Smax: If you mention the Church of England to most people, they'll immediately think of the sacrements, and the holy blood of our lord Jesus Christ. But to many within the church, there is another ritual - the ritual of the bullying ritual. Ex-curate Peter Littleton was intimidated by his very first vicar.
        Littleton: I went to the bathroom to wash after dinner, and I found my flannel in the toilet. Another time, I went into the bathroom and all the bristles, bar one, had been cut off my toothbrush. Another time, he put bleach in my shaving cream, and Mrs Cape stifled a giggle.

      • Rosie May: Enviromation from me, Rosie May. Britain is soon to have its first portable cemetary. The cemetary, which opens to the size of a football pitch and features real soil, holds up to a thousand corpses. The portable cemetary saves waste. Scientists in Alaska have found a gap between the horizon and the Earth. The gap, which is nine miles across, is believed to have been caused by recent storms which tore the horizon from its moorings. A team of civil engineers has now set off to lash the horizon back down with steel. I'm Rosie May, and this is my planet.

      • Stuart: Starting in the southeast, where it'll be misty tomorrow with a droplet density of about 50,000 per spherical inch. That's rather as if the mist were hugging the ground like an over-affectionate and rather damp dog. Over to East Anglia and the Midlands, there'll be a warm day tomorrow, about 20, that's the sort of warmth you might feel on a January morning walking into a heated drawing room after chopping some wood. And finally, into the north of England and Scotland - a strong and highly long-lasting day tomorrow, with hail aimed down vertically from above, and there'll be a 30% chance. In summary then - breezes. And that's all the weather.

      • Partridge [COMMENTATING]: ...as he's affectionately known to me. Thank goodness actually they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago, and it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion. And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading, two men fighting as I saw in the barn that night, naked as the day they were born and fighting the way God intended. Wrestling at points - I don't know if you've seen "Women In Love", that marvellous scene by the fire. It kind of resembled that.

      • Partridge [COMMENTATING]: Dave Bradaur there in the lead, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way. Klaus Binthere on the inside, pumping away with those gristle-like muscley legs inside those tight lycra shorts which have become his trademark. [A team car with spare bikes on the roofrack enters frame.] And I don't know what this man is playing at! No way! Surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on the top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race. [An aerial view of events.] You join me now in the helicopter as we look down on these cyclists that look somehow like cattle in a mad way, but cattle on bikes. [The finish line.] And there's Sven Gunsoon, closely followed by his close friend and teammate Klaus Bin- and the man with the bikes on his car is, yes! He's disqualified as I said, and Klaus Binthere wins. Riding none-handed! No need for that.

      • Morris: Sport now, with Alan Partridge. Alan, you're a keen fan of the law, aren't you?
        Partridge: I certainly am, I support the law fully. Not too keen on those that break it, though.
        Morris: How do you support it, then?
        Partridge: Just generally... support it.
        Morris: What, just generally turn up on a Saturday afternoon and wave at it from the touchline?
        Partridge: [Totally lost] What? [Recovers] This is Sportsdesk, I'm Alan Partridge and it's a special desk of sport now, as we look back on some of the sporting highlights of the last sporting season. So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence.

      • Morris: Tomorrow sees the opening of the London Jam Festival, selling pots of jam, some made by celebrities, to raise money for the homeless. With me is one of the organisers, Janet Breen. Janet, good to see you - this must have taken a heck of a lot of organising.
        Breen: Yes it has, actually, to get all the celebrities to contribute their jam has really been quite an operation.
        Morris: How much of your time did you put into it?
        Breen: Oh, I would say at least six months.
        Morris: Six months! To raise money for a jam festival? Isn't that rather stupid?
        Breen: [Surprised] No I don't think so, it's all in a good cause.
        Morris: A good cause, yeah, but how much are you going to raise?
        Breen: We hope to raise at least fifteen hundred pounds.
        Morris: Fifteen hundred pounds?!? That's a *pathetic* amount of money! You could raise more money by auctioning dogs!
        Breen: Well I don't think so, I, I, I think it's all in a good cause and very worthwhile-
        Morris: You persuaded these celebrities to waste their time donating to it?
        Breen: Yes-
        Morris: Well, who?
        Breen: Er, Glenys Kinnock we've got, and Sebastian Coe-
        Morris: I *hate* Sebastian Coe!
        Breen: [Getting upset] Well I feel he's made a very worthwhile contribution-
        Morris: What, to the paltry sum of fifteen hundred pounds?
        Breen: Yes!
        Morris: Is that worth six months of your time?
        Breen: Well I think it is-
        Morris: I don't think it is at all! I think the only reason you've done it is to make yourself look important! How dare you come on this programme and say "Hey look at me, I'm raising fifteen hundred pounds for the homeless"! You could make more money sitting outside a tube station with your hat on the ground even if you were twice as ugly as you are, which is very ugly indeed!
        [Breen breaks down in tears. Morris adopts a low, sympathetic voice.]
        Morris: Has this been upsetting for you? Have you anything else to say in your defence?
        [Breen shakes her head. Morris turns smugly back to the camera.
        Morris: Janet Breen thank you!

      • Wintergreen: Like Presley, Baxter will gorge on cheeseburgers and drugs until he reaches 650 pounds. The historic weight will trigger the electric current and see Baxter skip dessert. Among those watching Baxter get all shook up is Tennessee Presley fan club president Alvin Hollier.

      • Morris: Welcome! On The Day Today tonight, David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed- and Portillo's wife defends crack habit.

      • Morris: The headlines tonight - Bottomley refreshed after three days on cross, Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor, and sacked chimney sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise.

      • Peter Littleton: Yes, I was picking up the hymn books, these exact books, and I was stacking them like so, and I'd stack them up to my chin, so I was really at full stretch with about 30 hymn books, and he said "Come on Peter, you can fit another one in there!" I said "No, I can't, I really can't," but he pushed another one in and said "You can fit another one in" and I said "I can't" so he pulled my head right back, so my head was like this, and I thought I was going to choke. And then he ran along this pew like that and threw the books, and yelled "Pick them up! Pick them up!"

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