Lewis: I've finally figured out a way to take the granddaddy of all deductions. I am going to become Oswald's illegal guardian.
Drew: Are you crazy? You can't adopt an adult. If you could I would have adopted Anna Nicole Smith years ago.
Lynn: Well, Lisa, I see you're the lucky girl that finally landed Drew.
Lisa: No, I just fed him once and he followed me home.
(Mimi walks to her desk and sees the man who looks exactly like Drew.)
Mimi: So much crap, they had to start a second pile.
Drew: You were drunk? Oh no. What am I going to do with this ring? And I already broke up with Lisa. I told my mother. She was so happy. (Pretends to cry) How could you do this to me? I suppose the sex didn't mean anything to you either!
Drew (still fake crying): What?!
Kate: You had so much to drink you couldn't even get your eyelids up.
Drew: This could work out, but you know, you'd have to be drunk all the time.
Kate: Kiss me.
(Kate leans in closer.)
Drew: Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.
Drew: It's okay, Kate. There'll be other guys. Of course, your mom'll hate 'em, but eventually she'll be dead.
Kate: Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? (Climbs on table)
Drew (standing): Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.
Oswald (whispering): I have a gun.
Drew: I have a gun!
Kate: I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Men are slime.
Oswald: Amen to that, sister!
Lewis (to the waitress): Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my rumpus room?
Mrs. O'Brien: So what's the matter? He's too stable? He's got too good of a job. Oh, he treats you too nicely. You know, I think you ought to stop looking at the guys with the tightest butts (pantomimes a butt with her hands) and start looking at (puts hands much further apart) Drew.
Kate: You're right. You know, I should call Drew right now and see if he wants to start a relationship. Because it's the end of the world, and my mother's been chugging COUGH SYRUP again!
Jay: But I don't have room in the cab.
Drew: Yeah, but you'd have room if your life depended on it, wouldn't you, buddy? Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!
Drew: Hi, Mimi. Say, anyone ever mistake you for a woman?
Mimi: I'll have you know that men find me...
Drew: Yeah, I know. They find you with the lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view of the woman they want to hit on.
Drew: What do you think of Jay? He's a pretty nice guy, huh?
Mrs. O'Brien: Actually, he scares the life out of me.
Drew: No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.
Lewis: Now do you think there's any way we can prove that Oswald's mentally incompetent?
Mrs. O'Brien: I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.
Drew: You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? (to Jay) I'd lose the earring.
Oswald: I'd take the hair down an inch.
Lewis: And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?
Lewis (to Oswald): Why don't you get Daddy a Jagrmeister?
Kate (after her mother gives her a sweater): Ooh, I hope this is the one that lands me a man!
Kate: Sorry. Just killing Mom before time gets here.
Susan Saint James is credited as Special Guest Star.
"Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs plays on the jukebox at the Warsaw. Kate also barks/sings a snippet of it in the cab.
Susan St. James is Christa Miller's aunt.