A The Following Community
Monday 9:00 PM on FOX (Returning March 2, 2015)

If you actually think The Following is a good show, you really shouldn't read the rest of this post.
However, if you are like me and actually rooted for the bad guys in the first season because the FBI were soooooooooo bad at their jobs, then carry on reading

I should also point out that I will probably swear a lot!

Oh how I have missed this show, the only really "its so bad, its good" show that I watch.

Before getting into the newest episode I should probably recap the previous episodes very quickly.

Hardy has left the FBI, but is somehow qualified to teach people about serial killers - how the f*ck this happened I will never know, I mean if he was teaching a "How NOT to hunt a serial killer" I could understand, but this?

ANYWAY, Hardy suspects that Joe Carroll is alive and has his own little shrine dedicated to him (stalker alert!), he even manages to get his niece involved in his obsession.

Apparently some of Joe's followers survived the FBI last season (shocker), and are now either hipsters or goths - its kinda unclear, but apparently Emma is a BIG fan of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, judging by her new look -, but one of the escaped followers has decided he doesn't want to live in this shitty hybrid commune and hooks up with some unhinged twins with family issues and go a rampage in the subway! OF COURSE, I MEAN WHY THE F*CK NOT?

The twins also like to hang out with random people they kill - JESUS CHRIST, IS THE DATING SCENE IN AMERICA REALLY THIS BAD? - but can't even seal the deal with a corpse.

This is all to get Joes attention, because...um...all I can come up with is that Joe is like catnip for serial killers.

So the FBI get Hardy Junior Weston to work the case (because he did so well last time?) and also bring Hardy in for his input. But Hardy doesn't need the FBI (YEAH, f*ck them and all their resources) and tracks down the non twin killer on his own. An altercation ensues and Hardy finds out that non twin guy, (I refuse to learn his character name on principle), helped Joe escaped to a land where a beard is apparently mandatory for newcomers and good actresses are cast as prostitutes.

Non twin killer escapes (of course) and must stand in the corner while the twins and some woman talk french.

The twins decide that their one survivor should be killed after all, but Hardy MUST BE THERE!, (after having a family dinner for some reason), they lure him to a swingers party where their intended victim is frolicking and proceed to 1) Not kill her and 2) reveal they are twins - maybe because they have the same level of contempt for Hardy as me or because....I don't know - but they manage to escape Hardy's clutches.

Meanwhile Joe and his beard have been doing schoolwork and hanging out with whores, but this idyllic setting is ruined when a mugshot of Joe (sans beard) pops up on the TV while the horny preacher is waiting hornily on the whores sofa...while being horny.

So Joe has to kill him.

To his credit, his beard does fret about killing the preacher, but its argument is not strong enough to be go against his true nature and the preacher became a human pin cushion.

Now, onto episode 3.

And we start this episode with:

Joe and Judy's daughter, (yes I learned the prostitutes name...I'm not an animal!), are deciding what to do with the corpse of the world horniest preacher when they are interrupted. I have to admit, Joe saying "Actually Mandy, its..its exactly what it looks like" put a huge grin on my face. Stuff like this is EXACTLY why I root for him.

And then we cut back to Hardy, in his fortress of incompetence, where he is having crappy dreams:

Airplane joke.

But it turns out Hardy was napping in the FBI's hallway - because it would be weird if he was awake, or paying attention, being productive in anyway while at the FBI building.
It turns out that the FBI are onto Hardy - apparently they never covered fingerprints when he was at Quantico - and he must explain himself.

So after listing all the crimes he could be charged with, they let him go, so they can track him electronically, because rather than question him and get him to explain how he tracked non twin killer to his hideout, they prefer to monitor the various types of anime porn I assume Ryan Hardy is addicted to (sick bast*rd that he is!)

Meanwhile in sibling dysfunction land...

The twins conclude that having their picture all over the media is no biggie and they should meet up with Emma, I assume it because they know about her new hairdo and want to trade styling tips.

We cut to Ryan Hardy trying to connect with art lady victim for no apparent reason

Elsewhere Joe, his beard, the prostitute and her daughter, (possibly an idea for an NBC sitcom), decide that its probably best that they part ways. Joe lets the ladies in his life know that he wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them (aww, he so sweet) and begins to pack up his beard to leave.

At the fortress of incompetence, Weston has overcome Hardy's state of the art security system (looks like he took a hammer to it) and found his anime porn room Joe shrine, so Hardy must explain himself.

Apparently Joe killed his own bastard brother, somehow managed to put the body in the lighthouse before it burned, tamper with an FBI evidence locker and orchestrate the situation so he could escape scott free from a showdown with Hardy.

Read that last paragraph again

JOE CARROLL IS A F*CKING GENIUS!!! You hear people talking about how chess grand masters plan several moves ahead, but this is f*cking stunning! Joe Carroll for President! He could solve the all the worlds problems with this level of intelligence.

To his credit, Weston thinks this is unlikely.

Back at Whores-R-Us, Joe spares Carrie Preston because he is cool like that, Also no one wants to see Carrie Preston die, she's great!

At their rendezvous, Floppy haired twin convinces Emma to meet slicked backed hair twin and conspire, while at the same time the FBI are raiding her palace of hipsters, where the remaining cult members are hanging out.

Because Hardy wasn't with the FBI during the raid there are survivors this time. But Hardy does turn up at the crime scene (possibly to finish off any survivors) and he is warned off the case by the female agent (not going to learn her name, I assume she will be dead in a few episodes time, once Joe has a shave).

So Hardy ignores this and visits the art lady instead - for f*ck sake! Why have the female agent warn him off if you are going to cut to this scene IMMEDIATELY after!

During is conversation with art lady, she lets it slip that she doesn't normally take the subway - this starts alarm bells ringing for me and I suspect she is another killer. I could be wrong, but after having Hardy's neighbor turn out to be a serial killer last season, anything is possible.

Anyhoo..Emma meets up with twin#2 and the others at the hotel room where, in between threatening to kill Carlos in french, she is informed about the FBI raid. Until now, I have never wanted an entire roomful of characters to die, so I guess I can tick that off my bucket list.

Back at The Bunny Ranch, Joes apparent proxy daughter decides to put Carrie Prestons career out of jeopardy and kill her, so she can go back to being excellent in other things.
And I'm ok with her being killed, its for the greater good and she is too good for this sh*t.

In the hotel room, where Emma tries to convince the group that she was Joe's #2 (unless she mean't shit, this girl is deluded), the new group bonds....oh, yeah, they also kill Carlos and the french chick is pissy because she didn't get to do it.

So I was right, art lady is in on it. But of course rather than share his suspicions with the FBI, Hardy decides he will freak her out by staring at her in a creepy fashion. I know he is no longer in law enforcement, but JUST USE SOME F*CKING COMMON SENSE HARDY!

Art lady disguises herself to escape but gives herself away TWICE by unnecessarily looking back. Art lady turns out to be the twins mother - the fact that the twins had a family dinner with some corpses in the last episode speaks volumes about this relationship.
Hardy then pulls himself off the case because he f*cked up - this is somehow supposed to make sense?

Joe, his beard and Joedette (I assume she is going to change her name) have a quick prayer session before burning down the jizz stained house they shared for over a year.

We end with an unhappy looking Ryan Hardy looking at Claire Matthews (Natalie Zea) most unflattering photo, which I assume he with will spend the night wanking over with a sad/bemused/constipated look on his face until he cries himself to sleep.

I don't think I should write another review of this show........

ps - I think I learned Carlos' name through osmosis or something.
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