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FOX (ended 2015)

If you actually think The Following is a good show, you really shouldn't read the rest of this post.
However, if you are like me and actually rooted for the bad guys in the first season because the FBI were soooooooooo bad at their jobs, then carry on reading

I should also point out that I will probably swear a lot!

Oh how I have missed this show, the only really "its so bad, its good" show that I watch.

Before getting into the newest episode I should probably recap the previous episodes very quickly.

Hardy has left the FBI, but is somehow qualified to teach people about serial killers - how the f*ck this happened I will never know, I mean if he was teaching a "How NOT to hunt a serial killer" I could understand, but this?

ANYWAY, Hardy suspects that Joe Carroll is alive and has his own little shrine dedicated to him (stalker alert!), he even manages to get his niece involved in his obsession.

Apparently some of Joe's followers survived the FBI last season (shocker), and are now either hipsters or goths - its kinda unclear, but apparently Emma is a BIG fan of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, judging by her new look -, but one of the escaped followers has decided he doesn't want to live in this shitty hybrid commune and hooks up with some unhinged twins with family issues and go a rampage in the subway! OF COURSE, I MEAN WHY THE F*CK NOT?

The twins also like to hang out with random people they kill - JESUS CHRIST, IS THE DATING SCENE IN AMERICA REALLY THIS BAD? - but can't even seal the deal with a corpse.

This is all to get Joes attention, because...um...all I can come up with is that Joe is like catnip for serial killers.

So the FBI get Hardy Junior Weston to work the case (because he did so well last time?) and also bring Hardy in for his input. But Hardy doesn't need the FBI (YEAH, f*ck them and all their resources) and tracks down the non twin killer on his own. An altercation ensues and Hardy finds out that non twin guy, (I refuse to learn his character name on principle), helped Joe escaped to a land where a beard is apparently mandatory for newcomers and good actresses are cast as prostitutes.

Non twin killer escapes (of course) and must stand in the corner while the twins and some woman talk french.

The twins decide that their one survivor should be killed after all, but Hardy MUST BE THERE!, (after having a family dinner for some reason), they lure him to a swingers party where their intended victim is frolicking and proceed to 1) Not kill her and 2) reveal they are twins - maybe because they have the same level of contempt for Hardy as me or because....I don't know - but they manage to escape Hardy's clutches.

Meanwhile Joe and his beard have been doing schoolwork and hanging out with whores, but this idyllic setting is ruined when a mugshot of Joe (sans beard) pops up on the TV while the horny preacher is waiting hornily on the whores sofa...while being horny.

So Joe has to kill him.

To his credit, his beard does fret about killing the preacher, but its argument is not strong enough to be go against his true nature and the preacher became a human pin cushion.

Now, onto episode 3.

And we start this episode with:


Joe and Judy's daughter, (yes I learned the prostitutes name...I'm not an animal!), are deciding what to do with the corpse of the world horniest preacher when they are interrupted. I have to admit, Joe saying "Actually Mandy, its..its exactly what it looks like" put a huge grin on my face. Stuff like this is EXACTLY why I root for him.

And then we cut back to Hardy, in his fortress of incompetence, where he is having crappy dreams:

Airplane joke.

But it turns out Hardy was napping in the FBI's hallway - because it would be weird if he was awake, or paying attention, being productive in anyway while at the FBI building.
It turns out that the FBI are onto Hardy - apparently they never covered fingerprints when he was at Quantico - and he must explain himself.

So after listing all the crimes he could be charged with, they let him go, so they can track him electronically, because rather than question him and get him to explain how he tracked non twin killer to his hideout, they prefer to monitor the various types of anime porn I assume Ryan Hardy is addicted to (sick bast*rd that he is!)

Meanwhile in sibling dysfunction land...

The twins conclude that having their picture all over the media is no biggie and they should meet up with Emma, I assume it because they know about her new hairdo and want to trade styling tips.

We cut to Ryan Hardy trying to connect with art lady victim for no apparent reason

Elsewhere Joe, his beard, the prostitute and her daughter, (possibly an idea for an NBC sitcom), decide that its probably best that they part ways. Joe lets the ladies in his life know that he wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them (aww, he so sweet) and begins to pack up his beard to leave.

At the fortress of incompetence, Weston has overcome Hardy's state of the art security system (looks like he took a hammer to it) and found his anime porn room Joe shrine, so Hardy must explain himself.

Apparently Joe killed his own bastard brother, somehow managed to put the body in the lighthouse before it burned, tamper with an FBI evidence locker and orchestrate the situation so he could escape scott free from a showdown with Hardy.

Read that last paragraph again

JOE CARROLL IS A F*CKING GENIUS!!! You hear people talking about how chess grand masters plan several moves ahead, but this is f*cking stunning! Joe Carroll for President! He could solve the all the worlds problems with this level of intelligence.

To his credit, Weston thinks this is unlikely.


Back at Whores-R-Us, Joe spares Carrie Preston because he is cool like that, Also no one wants to see Carrie Preston die, she's great!

At their rendezvous, Floppy haired twin convinces Emma to meet slicked backed hair twin and conspire, while at the same time the FBI are raiding her palace of hipsters, where the remaining cult members are hanging out.

Because Hardy wasn't with the FBI during the raid there are survivors this time. But Hardy does turn up at the crime scene (possibly to finish off any survivors) and he is warned off the case by the female agent (not going to learn her name, I assume she will be dead in a few episodes time, once Joe has a shave).

So Hardy ignores this and visits the art lady instead - for f*ck sake! Why have the female agent warn him off if you are going to cut to this scene IMMEDIATELY after!

During is conversation with art lady, she lets it slip that she doesn't normally take the subway - this starts alarm bells ringing for me and I suspect she is another killer. I could be wrong, but after having Hardy's neighbor turn out to be a serial killer last season, anything is possible.

Anyhoo..Emma meets up with twin#2 and the others at the hotel room where, in between threatening to kill Carlos in french, she is informed about the FBI raid. Until now, I have never wanted an entire roomful of characters to die, so I guess I can tick that off my bucket list.


Back at The Bunny Ranch, Joes apparent proxy daughter decides to put Carrie Prestons career out of jeopardy and kill her, so she can go back to being excellent in other things.
And I'm ok with her being killed, its for the greater good and she is too good for this sh*t.

In the hotel room, where Emma tries to convince the group that she was Joe's #2 (unless she mean't shit, this girl is deluded), the new group bonds....oh, yeah, they also kill Carlos and the french chick is pissy because she didn't get to do it.


So I was right, art lady is in on it. But of course rather than share his suspicions with the FBI, Hardy decides he will freak her out by staring at her in a creepy fashion. I know he is no longer in law enforcement, but JUST USE SOME F*CKING COMMON SENSE HARDY!

Art lady disguises herself to escape but gives herself away TWICE by unnecessarily looking back. Art lady turns out to be the twins mother - the fact that the twins had a family dinner with some corpses in the last episode speaks volumes about this relationship.
Hardy then pulls himself off the case because he f*cked up - this is somehow supposed to make sense?


Joe, his beard and Joedette (I assume she is going to change her name) have a quick prayer session before burning down the jizz stained house they shared for over a year.

We end with an unhappy looking Ryan Hardy looking at Claire Matthews (Natalie Zea) most unflattering photo, which I assume he with will spend the night wanking over with a sad/bemused/constipated look on his face until he cries himself to sleep.

I don't think I should write another review of this show........

ps - I think I learned Carlos' name through osmosis or something.
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"Because Hardy wasn't with the FBI during the raid there are survivors this time. But Hardy does turn up at the crime scene (possibly to finish off any survivors)"

Best. Line. Ever.
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when the next review for the wallowing I am starting doing the footloose around the house in anticipation LOL
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This review was brilliant I was more amused by it then I have been any episode so far this season. I don't know I keep watching it. I think its more out of morbid curiosity. Kind of why people can't help rubber necking an accident. Its so bad its ridiculous. I thought the last season of Dexter was so unbelievable on so many levels (characters deviation and complete suspension of intelligence). However, this show is coming close to eclipsing that season. If the FBI were this incompetent and inept in reality this country would've been burnt to the ground already. I too had that tingly spider sense when Lilly survived the subway.

So to cut a long reply short (too late) I think you should continue reviewing this train wreck of a show. If for no other reason then to hep us feel better for stupidly continuing to follow it.

ps. Am I the only one who thinks Kevin Bacon needs to start eating more. He looks like a frickin scarecrow.
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He looks like a frickin scarecrow - OR A PSYCHO KILLER WHO IS FRAMING JOE CARROL!!
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This show is so stupid. Like train wreck stupid. I don't think I've ever watched a show where I've wanted so many characters to die horribly.
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I finally watched the three episodes of season 3 and you were right: it is getting better, it totally is! Ryan Hardy unleashes chaos and death wherever he goes, it's a joy to watch. And all the stupidity is just silly, I see no harm in that.
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I prefer to think of Hardy as a modern day Inspector Clouseau....except with more murder.
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LOL This was way more entertaining than the show. Keep up with the good work.
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I knew it! The art lady was one of Joe's followers...i didn't trust her from day one...and to make things worst, she is the mother of the twins...
one happy crazy murdering family.

With this episode it felt again as The Following..the first two episodes were actually boring. Love seeing Joe do his killing thing.
I was schoked when the daughter stepped her own mother to be with Joe and then burned down the house...

Wenston is really trying to look tough and trying to take ofer Hardy's job, but it doesn't feel right...he seems too young and slow for the job. Even Hardy is him one step ahead...

Now Joe is returning...wonder how that will go.
Emma is so lucky...otherwise she would be caught too...shame...
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I have come to conclusion that I would make a great FBI agent, I knew art lady was a baddie, I am 100% smarter than whatsherface on The Blacklist and I always know if the perp did it on SVU (OK they are not FBI but still I have fantastic instincts) so where do I sign up?
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I skimmed the application form, here are some sample questions -

*Do you have a substance abuse problem (preferable)
*Can you needlessly go rogue? (mandatory)
*Have trouble forming close personal relationships? (semi-mandatory)
*Can you form attachments to victims/suspects/abusive partners?
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I though it was a nice photo of Claire.
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Not after Hardy's finished with it! ;-)
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Well played, Sir, well played.
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This show should be called The Swallowing, because it's like copping a big ol' load of stupid and swallowing it like a dirty whore. I tell myself I deserve better, but I'm always back next week for more.
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Grumpyclown, excellent review, indeed more entertaining than the show, but you have forgotten to mention the reason anyone in her/his/its right mind would even consider watching this. The Good WIfe is on hiatus, Dexter is gone, (though his beard lives on in Joe's), BB is done, SoA won't be back for months, Intelligence isn't, Killer Women is barely believable but tolerable, so basically, unless you're into reality shows, The Following is a necessary evil. The one fulfilling quality it has is generating reviews like this one for which I join with the others in thanking you!
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ooooh, I had an idea! What if Joe's beard and Dexter's beard teamed up?
IMAGINE THE CARNAGE!!!!!!!
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I would wach that
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Certainly can't be called a fanboy! This show is so bad I even had to rip on it in my Almost Human review. Two things...

My home will now be called "The Fortress of Incompetence"

I would refrain from calling Ben/Finch's wife a whore. :)

Great review!


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Great review! Keep doing them! :)
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This show has joined the ranks of stupidity (Revolution or The great Escape infinity and the Dome little egg aHHH) Beard should be up for a award best performance by a ensemble
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so far its in the running for best supporting actor
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I couldn't watch another episode of this show this week. I'm officially done. HOWEVER.. I will continue to read your reviews on the show as they are so entertaining.
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Thank you
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Nailed it hahahahahahahahaha love it

actually I hate people who just write shit about this show but my crumpyclown, I just love the shit u do - can u pls write a book or something
at least u make it in a funny way so its kind of okay ;)

This episode... oh I thought it started good but then Joe and his new daughter happened..I hate it... I dont care about him anymore. And this chick ,,I wanted to leave this little town and I never met my dad - yeah this is hell of a reason to kill my mom" bullshit!!!!
And Hardy starring at the blonde chick until she runs off? come on hardy wtf!
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Also, Westons reaction to the murdered FBI agent -"Dammit" - just made me giggle when I thought about it.
I fully expect them to come across a dead FBI agent and just say "Sigh...another one"
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yeah and Im impressed that you can get a nail into a head that easy. I thought a skull is hard as a bone..
Grumpyclown did u ever write a Dexter season 8 review? haha I would love to read that
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I kinda blacked out after every episode of season 8 so it was physically impossible
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it was so shit.. it was just so bad ... I still cant believe it...
but if you wanna write a review for the final or something let me know I would love to read it ;) we have to laugh about it... otherwise we could only cry
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Fantastic review ! I must say though the show is strangely addictive and fun to watch kind of like your review. Ha.
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I don't know whether to be honored or offended that you compared the quality of the review to the quality of the show :-)

I have decided to be honored.

BY THE HONOR OF JOE CARROLL'S BEARD, I SALUTE YOU COMMENT!!
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Thanks. Actually I meant to pull your leg a little but you took it in good spirit! I look forward to your reviews again.
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This is like the best review.. Thank you
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I was inspired by the beard
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Thank you for your wonderfully, hilarious review Grumpyclown. It's one of the best reviews I've read so far. I urge you to continue writing them for this show as we would all be poorer without them!
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If the beard goes I may stop
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Then he MUST keep the beard! That way the FBI will NEVER recognize him! There is NO WAY they are as smart as a horny priest!
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It is quite possible the beard will survive and Joe will die.
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Part of me thought when I started watching the premiere that they had SURELY learned from last season's reviews & this season COULDN'T POSSIBLY be as stupid as the last! But alas, IT IS (& don't call me SHIRLEY, another "airplane" joke lol)! So, now the other part of me is actually glad it is because I forgot how fun this show is to watch. It is now back to what it was last season, the BEST sit-com on TV. I was disappointed that THIS review did not have my fav thing about "The Following" reviews, the poll of "the stupidest thing to happen on this episode"! So, I have to throw out my top 3 votes for this episode because you only "touched" on them.
3. There was NO DOUBT that Joe was still alive but, to have it revealed what GREAT lengths he went to (see the review) fake his death WAY ahead of time to have it play out EXACTLY that way even though, about (a thousand) things could have went differently. Then, after this "master plan" worked, he hides out in the backwoods for a year & ONLY comes out because some unknown "followers" LURE him out when supposedly no one (even his #2 HaHa) knew he was alive!
2. I even "nailed it" when I figured out last episode that the art woman is a "follower" but, I also thought Ryan MUST know this too, because he can't be that stupid to start a relationship (horniness aside) with another woman right after the "Joe Carroll Cult" resurfaces! But no, HE IS THAT STUPID, because he not only has a "revelation" but then instead of playing along with her game to get closer to the cult...
1. He walks over to where he can make eye contact with her, then STARES at her with a creepy/disappointed/betrayed look that immediately tells her the jig is up! Which then begins (what I thought) was the "stupidest" scene...the ol' "slasher film chase scene" but in opposite! The woman WALKS away the whole time stopping occasionally to look back (showing she is only a few feet away) at Ryan who is running at top speed the whole time! Yet, with Ryan RUNNING & her WALKING, she manages to casually pick up a scarf, sunglasses & a phone along the way! Then with Ryan STILL running & her STILL walking is able to call her "son" & he is able to get in a car, find her, pull over to pick her up & have her casually get in the car, the car drive away & disappear ALL before Ryan can catch up to dramatically "lose" another suspect! The ONLY thing they forgot was to have Ryan trip over nothing, hurt his leg & then scream on the ground inches away from her as she was getting into the car! Oops, SPOILER ALERT, that will happen next episode! ROFL!
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yeah cause its always sooo easy to find a parking space in New York haha
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I was going to include a poll, but the post was very long without it.
If I do a review next week I'll include one
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No problem! LOL! That was just an excuse for me to vent an equally "very long" comment to add to your post! HaHa! But, It's ok, I feel much better now! :-)
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Besides, one thing this show has taught me is I'm free to speak my mind without any worry that the FBI can catch me! ROFL!
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"But, It's ok, I feel much better now! :-)" - THEN MY JOB IS DONE!!!!

Now tell me, Joey, have you ever been…in a Turkish Prison?
(I must find a way to include Airplane quotes from now on)
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You're job is only done until the next episode & Airplane quotes are now mandatory...like the next time Ryan wakes up in a daze in the middle of the FBI building you could say it's because he had the "fish"! Maybe the show needs to do it for us....like the next time Ryan falls asleep they could show the FBI lining up to beat the sh*t out of him! LOL! Now, I gotta watch this episode again & then watch Airplane again to figure out which show is funnier ;-)
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"And then we cut back to Hardy, in his fortress of incompetence, where he is having crappy dreams:"

Worst part of the episode was that they did the Kevin Williamson horror-movie trope "Waking up from a nightmare only to realize you're still in a nightmare again.

What next? Do they all split up to search for the killer and only the virgin girl survives?
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or find an old book, read from it and Joe's beard appears!!
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"Wait...whaaat? The art lady was in on it this whole time?!?!?"...said nobody EVER. There was no other reason for her to get any screen time other than to be in on it and certainly no reason for her to have any sort of connection with Hardy other than to play him. It's not like he saved her or anything.

Bang on the the recap of this ridonculous. Just when I think it could get any stupider...it does. The final straw was Hardy's art lady stare of death, or confusion, either way...he's now responsible for getting another person killed. All he had to do was tell any of the million FBI/NYPD that were already there that...oh, wait. Sorry, my bad, Hardy doesn't share information regardless of how little effort is needed to do so.

It's official, 'The Following' is now in the same rarefied air as 'Revolution' and 'Under the Dome'. I'm just not sure if my brain can take this many hilariously bad shows.
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"" 'The Following' is now in the same rarefied air as 'Revolution' and 'Under the Dome'" - but they don't have Joe Carroll

#Joe Carroll for President!
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Hilarious review I avoided watching the last half of the first season due the stupidity of FBI, Hardy and token love interest claire. But as I read the show has still kept to the silliness , lazy writing and weird performances. I think the beard should have its own role as joe's sidekick and go undercover on Hardy easily done and to finish it off Kevin footloose its down to the FBI and one graboids from tremors turns up the end and swallows up the whole lot! LOL
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Are you saying Joe's beard could go undercover on Hardy as another "love interest"....
I LOVE THIS IDEA!!!!

#Joe Carroll for President!

#SUPER BEARD!!
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Um yeah, that about sums it up. ;-)

At the start I couldn't help thinking that they weren't being as dumb as last season, but then, of course, they redeemed themselves, both the good and the bad guys.

The Beard, the Prostitute, and Her Daughter.
You should pitch that to Chuck Lorre. I bet he could get at least 5-6 seasons out of that.

I'm pretty sure, Hardy's reason the try to connect with art lady victim, was that he was horny. That IS the usual reason for guys to to want to connect with girls.

Isn't one of the twins one of Emma's lovers from last season?
Except that he wasn't a twin then.

Art Lady is either very devious or unbelievably stupid.
She got away from Hardy twice, only to turn around long enough to catch his eye after each costume change. That had to be on purpose, didn't it? She can't be THAT stupid and still be able to walk upright.
She must also be very strong. Stabbing someone through the scull like that must take a lot of force.

Art Lady is the twins mother. She is also an experienced killer and long time follower of Joe. Does that mean that the twins are Joe's sons?

I understand your reluctance to writing another review, the show is barely worth it. But I, for one, am glad you did. Going over the phenomenal stupidity of the show is what makes it worth watching. ;-)

Carlos was the one person in that room, I least wanted to see dead. French Chick is annoying and the Twins are arrogant dumb. But of course without the Twins, half the show is gone.
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Pitch for 'The Beard, the Prostitute, and Her Daughter'

Joe Carroll is a genius author with a surprising hobby, after a few personal problems (his wife cheated on him, took his kid, he loses his job as an English professor as well as some other minor stuff), Joe decides to leave the rat race and move to the country.

However Joe is worried that his sexual deviant stalker, Ryan, will come looking for him so he grows a beard, which make his totally unrecognizable to everyone, except the local preacher.

Oh...and he lives with a whore and her daughter.

This Fall on NBC
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Sam Underwood wasn't in the first season. Although he does look a little like either of the two killer dudes she hung out (it took me half the season to differentiate them, and I write the recaps...).
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here's a twist, Ryan Hardy works for Joe Caroll! some of his actions would actually make sense.

or, it's all a fever dream, Ryan's still on the operating table for his heart surgery.

- just throwing ideas out, Mr. Williamson, you're free to use them (you can't make it worse, really).
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or its all a dream of Joe Carroll's.

I forgot to mention the fact that Hardy's heart problems haven't been mentioned this season even after he has been running around and got hit by a taxi
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I thought there was a split second where he grabbed his chest after the accident, but after that he regained his superpowers of fast-healing and -traveling. maybe a new kind of pacemaker?

by the way, with all those video cam scanning super technology - after raiding the hipster-cult-house and realizing that Emma wasn't there - why not follow/scan her again with all the footage? they would've found the twins in no time.
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Yeah that priest did like to engage Judy's services and look her daughter up and down but I'm not convinced it makes him the "world's horniest priest", although with the references to anime porn, swingers party, jizz stained bunny ranches and wanking over photos I'd say there's a evidence of an equally horny or sex fixated writer/reviewer. Oh well crude is the new funny and I do like how every season has an interesting 3some of some kind.
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"I'd say there's a evidence of an equally horny or sex fixated writer/reviewer" - its like you can see into my soul
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Did not except blonde to be creepy twins mother, also did not expect the girl to stab her mother.
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I knew she will kill her mom after she asked Joe: How is it to kill someone, Im a crazy teenie freak bla bla
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Didn't expect her to be Mommy Dearest.
After her heart to heart with Joe I did expect the daughter to kill her mother.
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