Will: God, if you let Carlton be okay, I swear, I'll never make fun of him again. I'll go to church every Sunday. I'll even give up women.
Carlton: (awakens) Will, is that you?
Will: (notices, then turns back up) Y'know, I was just kiddin' about that "woman" part, right?
Geoffrey: Here you are, Master William. Maybe this'll help. It's an old remedy passed down in my family from generation to generation.
(Will takes a sip, then takes a closer look)
Will: G, it's coffee.
Geoffrey: No! It's Folgers Crystals.
Philip: Maybe you should take a little time off from work. You're gonna wear yourself out.
Geoffrey: Thank you, sir! It's nice to know that all my labors haven't gone unnoticed.
Philip: I was talking to Will.
Geoffrey: And I, apparently, was talking to myself.
Carlton: Every time I have a big date I get a big pimple.
Will: Well, judging by the size of that thing, you must be going out with Nell Carter.
Hilary: This is gross (referring to a bag of trash). I don't touch greasy, disgusting things.
Will: Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.
Hilary: You take it.
Will: Yo, girl!
Hilary: And for your information dinner comes first.
Carlton: Ashley, you take out the garbage.
Ashley: Why me?
Carlton: Because I'm bigger than you.
Will: See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them show lifts in today.
Will: Carlton, I have some bad news.
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out you're still a virgin?
Will: Those weren't vitamins you took. It was speed.
Carlton: Oh, my God! I'm a drug addict and a virgin!
Carlton: Will, how long have you been on drugs?
Will: I haven't been taken no drugs. I mean I thought about it... you wouldn't understand.
Carlton: Will, you're not the only person whose thought about taking drugs.
Will: You're kidding.
Carlton: Hey I've got a wild side. I don't always wear shower shoes to the gym.
Will: I can't believe you thought about it.
Carlton: Yeah. But after last night, I never will again.
Will: I had basketball practice and everything, and one of the guys at school offer me these pills to help me stay awake, and then Carlton...look, all I know is that somebody very close to me that I love a whole lot could be dead right now, and it'd be all my fault.
Will: I had basketball practice and school and work...
Philip: Welcome to the real world, Will. That's no excuse. There's never an excuse!
Will: Does he look like a drug addict?
Nurse: Do I?
Will: Can we stick to the subject please?
Nurse: (to Carlton) Listen sweetie, the first time I came to this hospital it was on a stretcher. I've been from Yale to jail and from Park Avenue to park bench. But now I'm clean and sober.
Carlton: Can't I get moved to another room? I have a reputation to maintain, what about when I go into political office?
Nurse: I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.
Will: Carlton doesn't take drugs, he hates drugs, we still have to mix his aspirin in with applesauce.
Nurse: Well, that wasn't applesauce we pumped out of his stomach.
(Carlton enters kitchen distressed)
Carlton: Look at my face!
Will: Oh please, man! We eatin'!
Carlton: This is serious. The prom's only three days away and I got a pimple! (Points his pimple on the right side of his forehead)
Phillip: Carlton, we're eating!
International Episode Titles:
Czech Republic - Stačí říct ne (Just Say No)
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