The Golden Girls
Season 1-"The Break-In"
(The girls enter to the front porch)
Blanche: Well I loved her!
Rose: The name Madonna doesn't really fit her.
Sophia: Slut would be better.
Dorothy: Oh please, please. She did things on that stage I never did with my husband.
Blanche: Oh Dorothy, what a thing to say!
(They walk in and gasp)
Dorothy: Oh my!
Rose: It's a mess!
Blanche: We've been robbed!
Sophia: Oh boy.
Blanche: SHH SHH!! Be quiet they could still be here!
Dorothy: The Supreme Court. Who. The robbers!
Rose: Is there more than one?
Blanche: Well, I don't know!
Rose: You said they!
Dorothy: They, him, what difference does it make?
(Dorothy points at the open screen door)
Dorothy: That's how they got in.
(Begin moving in a group with Dorothy leading, towards the screen door)
Blanche: Ohhh, Ohhh, wait! They might still be here!
Rose: They're gonna kill us! They're gonna kill us!
Dorothy (turns around, to group): STAY!
(Closes and latches screen door)
Dorothy (to the others): Shh!
Dorothy (towards whoever might still be in the house): This is a 3.75 magnum! One of the most powerful handguns in the world. It could blow your head off. The only problem is, I don't remember if I shot four rounds or five. So, you have to ask yourself: Do you feel lucky? WELL DO YOU? PUNK!
Sophia: Go ahead, make her day.
(Sophia begins to go into the rest of the house)
Blanche: Sophia! Where are you going?
Sophia: To my room.
Rose: Well, you can't! It could be dangerous!
Sophia: Please! I'm 80. Bathtubs are dangerous!
(Sophia leaves living room)
Dorothy: Oh c'mon. This is ridiculous. They aren't here anymore. Let's go check our rooms.
Blanche (rushing to a vase beside the front door): I just thank God they didn't take my Chinese vase! (Kisses the vase) Oh, I'm gonna check the kitchen!
Rose: Wait! Don't leave me! What'll I do if they come back?
Dorothy: Show them your slides of Hawaii.
(Blanche and Dorothy leave living room; Rose looks around helpless)
Rose: I'm fine…I'm just fine…There's nothing to be afraid of. These things happen everyday…The main thing is nobody was hurt…We could have been here…They could have come in the middle of the night…While we slept…They could have crept up on us and cut our throats!
(Dorothy comes up behind Rose suddenly)
Dorothy (puts hand on Rose's shoulder): Now, look…
Rose (Gasping for breath): I thought you were the killers.
Dorothy: Relax, relax. I called the police. They stole my stole.
Dorothy: My mink stole.
Rose: Oh no!
Dorothy: Stan gave it to me. (Rose comforts her) It was the only present he ever gave me that didn't need an extension cord.
(Blanche enters from the kitchen with white powder all over her face and clothes)
Blanche: They got my jewels.
Dorothy: But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
Rose: OH MY GOD! Blanche has cocaine???
Blanche: This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!
Dorothy: Why did you hide your jewels in the flour!?
Blanche: Because I didn't think they'd look there! What kind of robbers look in the flour?
Dorothy: That's the first place they look after the freezer!
Blanche: The freezer's my other hiding place!
Dorothy: It's everybody's! The robbers know that. They don't even open drawers anymore.
Blanche: My momma's jewels! I can never replace them! Oh, I'm just beside myself! And you oughta see the mess they made in there! They bout tore this place apart!
Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.
Dorothy: We have Maalox and Estrogen. Now, how many junkies have gas and hot flashes??
(Sophia enters from the back of the house)
Sophia: Well they cleaned me out! Took everything I own! All I have is what I have on!
Rose: They took your clothes???
Sophia: My clothes, my shoes, girdle, everything! Thank God, I'm insured!
Dorothy: Ma, why in the world would they want your clothes?
Sophia: who knows? Short girl robber, travels a lot, likes drip dry. It's ok. I'm thrilled! I hated my clothes. I need new clothes.
Dorothy: They didn't take them ma. You hid them. Now, where are your clothes??
Sophia: Maybe I buried them.
Blanche: What I can't understand is why they didn't take my Chinese vase.
Sophia: Who would want it?
Rose: You know why this happened, because we're without men.
Rose: I don't know what happens or why, all I know is when I had a husband, I didn't worry. Maybe nothing happened to me because I had a husband and maybe not. All I know is that when the lights went out at night, I wasn't afraid!
Blanche: It's karma.
Dorothy (To Blanche): I beg your pardon?
Blanche: Crime is caused by karma! Some people give out an energy that attracts misfortune, they become victims. Well, it must've been one of you! I certainly don't have that kind of energy! Of course I lost my momma's jewels because of somebody else's energy!
Sophia: I got no energy! I'm goin' to sleep!
Dorothy: Blanche, c'mon, don't be absurd! Look, we were robbed and now it's over. It has nothing to do with energy; it has nothing to do with being single. It has to do with a lousy lock on a sliding door and massive unemployment. Now I'm going into my room. Call me when the cops come.
Rose: We're all employed Dorothy! Except your mother. I wouldn't call that massive.
Dorothy: Goodnight Rose. Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.
(Dorothy exits to her room)
Blanche: Well, this is not the end, I can promise you that. Justice will be done here! I hate criminals, I just hate em'! Someone's gonna pay for this heinous crime! We're gonna have a good old fashioned hangin'! That's right! A hangin'! Only first we'll have a whippin'…and then we'll have a hangin'! Nobody takes my momma's jewels without swingin' for it! Nighty night!
(Blanche exits to back of house)
(The girls are gathered in the living room listening to a salesman talk about alarms)
Alarm System Salesmen: So those are the facts ladies. It's not a pretty picture. One out of every three people will be the victim of a violent crime.
Rose: That's awful!
Alarm System Salesmen: And since there are four of you, that means at least one of you will be a victim. Of a violent crime. One of you, right here. (Makes a slashing gesture against throat)
Rose: And I read that one out of every three people will get cancer! Well, that means one of us will get cancer! So that takes care of two of us.
Dorothy: Oh, knock it off! Now, we'll take the basic security package, ok? How much did you say it would be?
Alarm System Salesmen: $600.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll take it.
Alarm System Salesmen: It's better than nothing…But not much.
Dorothy: What do you mean?
Alarm System Salesmen: Well, for $600 you get a siren that your neighbors ignore. But, with our deluxe system, an armed guard is here within five minutes!
Blanche: I want something that electrocutes an intruder.
Rose: How much more is the deluxe system?
Alarm System Salesmen: Ladies! We're talking about the difference between being here in the morning or being steak tar-tar!
Dorothy: How much more?
Alarm System Salesmen: A bit more.
Dorothy: How much?
Alarm System Salesmen: Exactly?
Alarm System Salesmen: $10,000
Dorothy: I'd rather be murdered!
Blanche: Well, I want a great big wall safe.
Sophia: You don't need one anymore. You got no jewelry!
Blanche: Well, I'll get it back. I went to the police today with some sketches I made.
Rose: How could you make sketches? You didn't see the robbers.
Blanche: Not of the robbers, of my momma's jewels!!
Dorothy: Ok, ok. We're getting the basic system.
Alarm System Salesmen: Whatever.
Dorothy: But not from you. From your competitors.
Alarm System Salesmen: What?
Dorothy: Because what you are trying to do is terrify us into spending more money than we have. Now get out of here before the victim of violent crime in this house is you!!
(Escorts him to the door and slams it in his face)
Rose: He scared me to death!
Blanche: Oh me too!
Dorothy: He scared me too but you wanna know something? It could be worse. I mean we could, we could each be alone. At least we're together. We have each other.
(Dorothy grabs Rose's hand, Rose grabs Blanche's hand, and Blanche tries to grab Sophia's hand but is turned down)
Rose: It's better with men.
Dorothy: Ahh, that's false security.
Rose: No, it's not! I was safer with Charles! I was never once robbed or murdered when I was with Charles!
Dorothy: Look, you could have just as easily been murdered living with Charles.
Sophia: I'm surprised she wasn't murdered by Charles.
Blanche: With George, when I'd hear a noise, I'd wake him up and then he'd take out his gun and then he'd have to find the bullets 'cause I'd always hide the bullets and then, when he found the bullets, we'd make love.
Sophia: Boy, can you tell a story!
Dorothy: Look, I'm starved. Let's make dinner. C'mon.
(A dog barks from within the kitchen as Dorothy approaches the door. They all stop)
Blanche: Oh, well, I'm not really all that hungry.
Rose: I forgot all about him.
Dorothy (To Rose): Yeah, well you go on in there. Getting a guard dog was your idea.
Rose: I'm afraid of large dogs. When I was three, I was attacked by a cocker spaniel.
Blanche: A cocker spaniel's not a large dog.
Rose: To a three year old it is!
Sophia: We got a guard dog in the kitchen. Great! The food is safe!
Rose: I know what we can do. Let's go out to dinner. My treat.
Dorothy (To Rose; Blanche shakes head in agreement): What about breakfast? And lunch? Look, I'm calling the kennel to come get him.
(Dorothy leaves to make the call)
Blanche (Sighs): I've got a date tonight and no jewelry to wear. Some scum's woman is wearin' my momma's jewelry.
Rose: I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people. In Little Falls, the jeweler was Jewish…jeweler…Jewish…I wonder if there's a connection.
Sophia: I think there's a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.
Blanche: I don't know why people even have dogs at all. I don't like anything in my house that doesn't know how to use the toilet.
Sophia: See ya!
(Sophia gets up and enters the kitchen)
Blanche and Rose (together): Sophia no! Sophia! Honey! Oh Sophia! Dorothy! Ohhh…
Rose: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this! It's about your mother.
Rose: It's the dog! I think he ate your mother!
(Sophia comes out from the kitchen with chips)
Sophia: Some attack dog! He hid under the table, peed on the floor, and ran out the back! (Bites chip)
Dorothy: OHHH! Give me that!!!! (Grabs bag of chips)
(Blanche is lying on the couch, having had an obviously stressful experience, while Dorothy takes care of her)
Blanche: I thought I was gonna die. I swear, I have never felt such agony. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes and I thought: "What a shame if I die now! I'm too young! (Dorothy turns to the camera, squeezes the rag out in the bowl, looks around and rolls her eyes) And I'm wearin' the wrong underwear!" (Dorothy, still squeezing out the rag, hangs head in disbelief)
(Rose enters, the alarm goes off, Blanche falls off the couch, and Dorothy runs to help Rose turn off the alarm)
Rose: I'm sorry. It's just me. I had to get in quickly 'cause when I got out of the car I noticed a swarthy man with a weapon!
Dorothy: Swarthy man with a weapon? (Goes to the door to check)
Rose: What are you doing??
Dorothy (To swarthy man): Buenos Diaz, Fernando! (To Rose) The gardener trimming the hedge!
Rose: I was running, he was blurred… (Notices Blanche lying on the couch) OH NO! Blanche has been attacked!! (Runs and kneels down beside Blanche)
Blanche: Sort of.
Rose: Oh honey. What happened? You poor darling.
Blanche: Well, I went to the police station to get an update on my case…I borrowed your pocket hairspray. I took it from your dresser table. You know what this humidity does to my hair!
Rose: I know! (Turns to Dorothy) Cotton candy!
Blanche: Well, just as I entered the police station I saw there was this cute officer there who's had his eye on me so I took out your hairspray and gave myself a final spritz…Only, surprise, it wasn't hairspray…It was mace. YOU HAD MACE! YOUR HAIRSPRAY WAS MACE! I MACED MYSELF RIGHT THERE IN THE POLICE STATION! ALMOST DIED, I FELL TO THE FLOOR, BLINDED, WRITHING IN PAIN, COULDN'T MOVE FOR TWENTY MINUTES! Ohhh!
(Dorothy calms her down)
Rose: Well, whaddya know it works!
Blanche: WORKS?!?!?! THEY THOUGHT I WAS ON ANGEL DUST!! They wanted to arrest me! I'm lyin' there dyin' and they're harassin' me! Murderers are free, rapists are free but a poor widow on the floor, they try to lock up! Who'd I hurt? Me?!
(Dorothy comforts Blanche)
Dorothy: Look, Rose. This is it! We have had it! No mace, no teargas, no grenades!
Blanche: No jewelry…
Rose: I won't be needing mace. I just bought a gun!
Dorothy: YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A GUN!!!
Rose: The man at the gun store taught me. In the basement, they've got a little shooting gallery… (Removes balls of yarn from her sack, looking for something)… kinda like the ones at amusement parks, except no prizes, and you shoot at little paper targets. (Holds up a target sheet with no holes) This was mine.
Blanche: Honey, there no holes in it.
Rose: I know!
Dorothy: That's because they're all in your head! Now listen, I cannot live in a house with a gun!
Blanche: Dorothy, don't overreact. Rose, good, you get a gun, you kill 'em.
Dorothy: Yeah, kill 'em, we'll have a dead gardener! Now, listen, Rose, this has gone too far. You are going overboard! Now, I think you need to see someone.
Blanche: Dorothy, I don't think a date is necessarily the answer.
Dorothy (To Blanche): I meant a psychiatrist, hot pants! (To Rose) Now whaddya say Rose? C'mon honey…We'll all go.
(Sophia enters the living room)
Rose: You think I'm crazy.
Dorothy: No I don't! But I do think you need help! I mean you don't eat, you don't sleep, you're afraid all the time.
Sophia: You got nothing to fear but fear itself…and, of course, the boogeyman.
(Rose's eyes get big)
(Girls enter onto the front porch)
Blanche: I always heard psychiatrists could read your mind but he didn't do that.
Sophia: Because there's nothing in your mind to read!
Blanche: Well, anyway, I liked him. He was very understanding.
Sophia: Pay me $85, I'll be understanding, and make you marble cake.
Blanche: And he liked me!
Dorothy (sighs): Blanche! How do you know that?
Blanche: Because he kept saying "Blanche, how do you feel?" I wanted to say "Wouldn't you just like to know, big boy?"
Sophia: I hate psychiatrists. They blame everything on the mothers.
Blanche: Sophia, he didn't blame you.
Sophia: You heard what he said: we're afraid 'cause our mother's taught us to be afraid.
Dorothy: For survival, ma!! They had to. I mean what's a mother supposed to say? "Don't be afraid of strangers", "Eat their candy", "Get into their cars"
Blanche: Well, he made me feel better.
Dorothy: Me too.
Sophia: I was just thrilled to be outta there. He had two dead fish in his tank.
Dorothy (To Blanche): Of course, your speech endorsing public beheadings with no trial, I think, got him a little concerned.
Blanche: I know, he wants to see me again. But I think it's personal.
(Dorothy sighs and drops head)
Rose: In my day we didn't have therapy. We were too busy looking for food.
Dorothy: Looking for food? You mean to take back to your cave? Rose, your father was a dairy farmer. You looked for food in your freezer.
Rose: Psychiatrist didn't make me feel any better. I feel better that you all feel better but I don't feel any better.
Blanche: Not even a little?
Rose: No, in fact I feel worse.
Dorothy: Why worse?
Rose: He was my last hope! Now, I gotta get some sleep. I have to get up pretty soon. Goodnight everybody.
Blanche: Good night honey.
(Rose exits the kitchen)
Dorothy: Good night?? (Points to watch) Boy, we really have a problem!
Blanche: I know. The police are doing nothing about my jewels.
Dorothy: NOT THAT! There is a woman in there so terrified something is going to happen at night she sleeps only in the daytime.
Blanche: I know. And then at sunset, she makes a big pot of coffee and sits up all night with that gun.
Sophia: It's better than having that dog…as long as she doesn't wet the floor.
(Sometime during the night. There are jingly noises and voices at the front door. Rose emerges and fires the gun at the front door when the alarm goes off. There is a huge shattering noise. Rose turns on the lights. It's Blanche and her date. The Chinese vase is shattered on the floor. Blanche sees it and gasps)
Blanche: You shot my vase!!
Rose: I heard footsteps and a man's voice and the alarm went off…
Blanche: It was Lester! He accidentally set off the alarm.
Rose: Oh I'm sorry!
Blanche: You…shot…my vase!
Rose: I didn't shoot Lester.
Blanche: I'D RATHER YOU SHOT LESTER!
Lester: I think I'll pass on the nightcap, Blanche.
Blanche: Oh, go on home, ya old fool!
(Dorothy and Sophia come running from the back of the house)
Dorothy: What happened?!?!
Blanche: SHE SHOT MY VASE!!!
Sophia: Thank God, I hated that thing.
Dorothy (To Rose): What are you doing shooting??? Are you crazy??? (Takes gun from Rose and throws it on the chair)
Rose: I heard a noise. I thought it was the robbers.
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years, I survive pneumonia, two operations, a stroke, one night I'll belch and Stable Mabel here'll blow my head off!!!
Dorothy: Rose, you've got to do something. This is crippling you.
Blanche (picking up pieces of the vase) (to Sophia): Just save whatever pieces you find Sophia. I can glue it back together
Sophia: You bet. Whatever I find. I loved that vase (Scoops up some of the pieces and hides them in the potted plant)
Dorothy: Rose, Rose you cannot go on this way. I mean, life isn't worth living if you're gonna live it with this kinda of fear! Now honey, we were robbed. It's scary but it happens. And now it's over and the robbers are gone.
Rose (Sobbing): I know, I know that. I know it's over. I know they're gone. But not for me. For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!
Dorothy: Oh honey. (Comforts Rose)
(Rose is in a parking garage, walking. There is a shadow of a man behind her, following her. She starts to run and the person follows her. She goes down the stairwell and he catches her)
(Dorothy and Sophia are out on the lanai, playing scrabble)
Sophia: 3 and 1 is 4 and 10 is 14 and double letter score is 18, 19, 20, 23 and a triple word score makes a total of 69 points. I win!
Dorothy: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! There is no such word as that.
Sophia: There certainly is.
Dorothy: Fine. I'll look it up and if it isn't in the dictionary, I win.
Sophia: We don't have a dictionary!
Dorothy: Yes we do!
Sophia: Not anymore! The robbers took it.
Dorothy: They stole our dictionary???
Sophia: That's right. Too bad.
Dorothy: Maaaa! Disdam in not a word! You made it up!
Sophia: It's a word!
Dorothy: Fine, use it in a sentence!
Sophia (stares for a second): You're no good at disdam game.
(Sophia leaves and Dorothy bites finger in frustration. Blanche comes out onto the lanai)
Blanche: They caught them! They caught the scum!
Dorothy: OHHH! That's wonderful Blanche!
Blanche: Yeah, it is for you. They found your stole. They didn't find my jewels.
Dorothy: Ahh, honey I'm sorry.
Blanche: Well, they can sell my jewelry, you see, its worth something. Who'd want that thing? Nobody wears stoles anymore. Oh, my momma's jewels! Out there on the black market bein' fondled by filth. I just can't wait to testify in court. I wanna see those guys fry.
(Rose comes running onto the lanai)
Rose: Well, everybody, you will never guess what I did today.
Rose: I was in this parking garage and…I had to go to the dentist's 'cause I lost my crown in a nectarine yesterday and there was no parking on the street. There I was all alone, I heard footsteps. It was my nightmare come true. Someone was after me. I ran, he ran. I ran faster, he ran faster. He grabbed my arm and I turned around and dropped him! Kneed him right in his safe deposit box! Dropped him like a sack of potatoes! He lay on the ground and he was writhing and groaning and screaming in agony and I stood over him and I looked at this pitiful creature and I thought "I can take care of myself, I'm not helpless, I'm gonna be ok".
Dorothy: Honey, that is wonderful!
Blanche: I have faith again! Kill the killers! This calls for champagne.
Dorothy: Oh no honey, there's none on ice.
Blanche: I'll put some in the freezer. It'll be ready in twenty minutes!
Dorothy: Oh, so what happens now? I guess you press charges, right?
Rose: Well, no, no actually not. He might press charges though.
Rose: You see the guy that was moaning and screaming and groaning in agony was the parking attendant. He was coming after me because I had forgot to pick up my keys. (Dorothy shakes head) But I'm not afraid anymore. I know that when it comes right down to it, I can take care of myself.
Dorothy: Oh honey. I always knew you could.
(Blanches emerges from the house)
Blanche: Oh damn.
Blanche: My…my jewelry…
Dorothy: OH PLEASE BLANCHE! ENOUGH WITH YOUR JEWELRY!
Blanche: No, I found it…
Blanche: It was in the freezer!!!
Rose: Oh Blanche, that's wonderful!
Dorothy: It was there all the time? You know if you'd had your way, the robbers would have been beheaded!
Blanche: Well, that doesn't matter; the point is they stole your stole. A beautiful stole. You can't replace it. (Pauses) They don't make 'em anymore. (To Ros) (Dorothy glares at Blanche)