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Viewed by 34.8 million people, and ranked #4 for the week.
Mary mentions staying with the girls while her mother was dying. Yet no previous episode even mentions this situation!
Sophia: Now, where was I?
Dorothy: You were humiliating me.
Sophia: Yeah. Right. The slut. And after all she did to me, did I turn her out?
Dorothy: You tried, Ma!
Sophia: But did she go? No. And look at us today. No one could love a daughter more.
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia: So what if I don't respect her?
Rose: Maybe we should sign Mary up for some natural childbirth classes.
Dorothy: You know, that's not a bad idea. I wish I'd known about them when I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do except scream at Stan never to touch me again, and call him every name in the book.
Rose: Rough labor?
Dorothy: Rough conception.
Blanche: Oh, she doesn't need those classes. I think women ought to have babies the way God intended - strapped to a table, numb from the neck down.
Merrill: I'm Merrill. Are you Blanche?
Merrill: (to Sophia) How about you, cutie?
Merrill: Boy, this guy's done hard time.
Dorothy: Uh, no, Blanche isn't here, and, uh, she won't be back for a long, long time.
Merrill: That's all right. I've been in prison ten years. I'm real good at waiting.
Dorothy: Seems like old times, huh?
Mary: Oh, I love this house. I love this room. I feel so safe here. After I'd visit Mom in the hospital, I always was so glad to come back here. Now here I am again...only this time, I'm pregnant. It's funny, huh?
Dorothy: What's that, honey?
Mary: Well, it's just that I have another human being inside of me, and I've never felt more alone.
Dorothy: Mary, that's why you have to talk to your father.
Mary: No way.
Dorothy: Listen, this is the most difficult thing for a father to accept.
Mary: What? That I'm a grown woman?
Dorothy: But you're not a grown woman. Just because the plumbing's in doesn't mean the house is ready to occupy.
Mary: I think I know what you're getting at.
Dorothy: Good, because I really didn't make that up myself. I heard it on This Old House.
Sophia: (to Mary's father) You feel that because Mary went out and got herself pregnant, she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. It's someone who gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie. It was a Studebaker, wasn't it Dorothy?
Dorothy: It was a Nash, Ma.
Sophia: Now, that's a slut.
Mary: Well, I tried talking to my father, but he just went all crazy when I told him.
Dorothy: Well, that's what fathers do - they yell, and they barbecue. That's what separates them from the apes.
Mary: Well, what did your father do when he found out you were pregnant?
Dorothy: He chased Stan for three blocks with a salami.
Mary: How come?
Dorothy: They don't leave marks. When he finally cooled down, he realized that he loved me more than anything in the world, which was lucky for me, because I never needed him more than I did then.
Sophia: So Mary, when's the baby due?
Dorothy: Ma, this is a 16 year old girl.
Sophia: A knocked up 16 year old girl.
(Mary stays silent)
Dorothy: Ma, how did you know?
Sophia: You had that same look of panic on your face when you told me.
Rose: Let's go into the kitchen and I'll fix you some pickles and ice cream.
Mary: Oh I haven't had any strange cravings yet.
Dorothy: I apologize for this story. Have you ever heard of a town called St. Olaf?
(starts St. Olaf story)
Dorothy: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, o fire of my loins. I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy: Merrill... Who's he?
Sophia: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison Blanche has been writing to.
Rose: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche: [entering the kitchen] Morning, girls.
Sophia: Morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter.
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another letter from Merrill. I'd read it to you anyway. It's not personal.
Dorothy: Not personal! Blanche, the man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche: Well, sure. And I wrote him that I wanted to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two magnolia trees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.
Merrill: Oh Call me Moose, everybody back in prison always did.
Sophia: What a coincidence! That was Dorothy's nickname in elementary school, remember Dorothy?
Dorothy: No I don't.
Sophia: Look, Moose.
Merrill & Dorothy: What?
At the end of the episode, it is revealed that Dorothy used a St. Olaf story to get Mary back home. Obviously embarassed, she said "I was desperate!"
Julie McCullough is better known for her role as Mike Seaver's love interest on Growing Pains.
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