The Golden Girls
Season 3- "Mister Terrific"
(Sophia is in the kitchen cooking; Dorothy enters from the backdoor)
Dorothy: Hi ma!
Sophia: How'd the interview go?
Dorothy: Terrific! I have my choice of summer jobs. Three interviews this week, three offers.
Sophia: That's because you're showing more leg like I told you.
Dorothy: I don't think the woman at the employment agency was interested in my leg.
Sophia: Grow up! Don't you watch TV? 80% of the women in primetime are switch hitters.
Dorothy: Ma, TV soap operas aren't real life.
Sophia: I'm not talking characters, I'm talking actresses. Pick up an Enquirer sometime, you learn something.
Blanche: Oh, I am exhausted! I've spent this entire day bed shopping.
Sophia: Have you no shame?! Bed hopping nowadays is sexually irresponsible.
Dorothy: Not bed hopping, ma, bed shopping.
Sophia: Yeah, right. Nice cover.
Blanche: It's true Sophia. I need a new bed. My old one is falling apart!
(Dorothy sticks a cracker in Sophia's mouth)
Blanche: The prices are outrageous! The bed that I wanted cost more than the original down payment on my first house.
Sophia: In Cecily, beds were dirt cheap. (Pauses) Of course, it was because you slept on dirt.
(Dorothy looks at Sophia)
Sophia: Just an observation. If my name were Mark Twain, you'd be writing this stuff down.
Rose: Girls, you won't believe what happened to me this afternoon! I met Mr. Terrific!
Blanche: Rose, don't be so quick to judge. I once thought I had met Mr. Terrific. Turned out there was a Mrs. Terrific. I found myself ducking a Mr. Vase!
Rose: You don't understand. I really met Mr. Terrific! At the mall. He was signing autographs in an empty storefront that used to be Jack Kemp's campaign headquarters.
(Rose lies a piece of paper down on the table; the girls look at it)
Dorothy: Rose, he's wearing a cape!
Blanche: And a mask. He's wearing a cape and a mask. Wait a minute! Is this guy an insurance salesman named Marshall Herskovitz?
Rose: That's his costume! Don't tell me you've never heard of Mr. Terrific! Mr. Terrific's Club House? Every weekday afternoon, one full hour on Saturdays?
Sophia: You don't mean that clown with the kiddy show?
Rose: No! He's not a clown. He's a superhero! You're thinking of Bozo.
Sophia: I'm talking to Bozo!
Blanche: Wait a minute. What's this here? To the fairest Rose I've seen, until tonight, Mr. Terrific.
Rose: He asked me out. We're going to dinner. Can you believe it?!
Dorothy: No, actually not. You spend thirty seconds getting an autograph. You don't even know the guy!
Rose: Dorothy, he's a television celebrity! Besides, I talked to him for over an hour. There weren't too many people in line for his autograph. A Mr. Whipple look alike was next door demonstrating the new 3-ply toilet tissue. (Rose looks at her watch) Oh, I'd better get ready! He's picking me up at 7! (Rose giggles then exits)
Dorothy: Can you imagine making a date with a guy in a cape and mask that you met at a shopping mall? Pretty strange.
Blanche: Boy, I'll say. She doesn't even know what kind of car he drives.
(Sophia is in the living room, knitting; Blanche enters from the front door)
Blanche: Oh Sophia, did they deliver my new bed?
Sophia: Yeah and they were here all day setting it up.
Blanche: All day? For that simple little bed?
Sophia: Simple? I haven't seen so much brass since the Brass Knuckle and RV Show at the Palermo Hilton.
Blanche: I don't believe it. They delivered the wrong bed!
Rose: Blanche, do you think-
Blanche: Not now!
Rose: What's her hurry?
Sophia: Didn't you see that enormous thing in her bedroom?
Rose: I thought she'd stopped seeing Roger. (Pauses) How do I look?
Sophia: Not bad. You got another date with Captain Marvelous?
Rose: Mr. Terrific. I can see you didn't read many comic books when you were a child.
Sophia: Hey, we had comic books in Cecily! My favorite was Benito the Hood. He lived in the forest with his band of merry thugs. Benito was very popular.
Rose: You mean because he stole from the rich and gave to the poor?
Sophia: I said Benito the Hood, not Benito the Idiot! He stole from everyone and kept it for himself. Didn't even share it with his band of merry thugs. He was the idol of many a Cecilian youngster.
Blanche: That's what they did! That is exactly what they did! Delivered the wrong bed.
Rose: Oh and you don't like this one?
Blanche: Oh, I think it's the most stunning thing I've ever seen. I absolutely love it! But I can't afford it. Why, that bed back there must cost… (Looks at the packing slip)…exactly what I paid for the one I ordered. (Pauses then gasps) They made a mistake! They charged me for the inexpensive bed!
Sophia: Merry Christmas from Neiman Marcus!
Rose: Sophia, she can't keep that bed. That would be like stealing.
Blanche: It's only stealing if they find out. Well, the bed's in my bedroom. Who's gonna know?
Sophia: Everyone who knows the bunt sign on the New York Yankees.
(The doorbell rings; Rose answers it)
Rose: Look everyone. It's Mr. Terrific!
Mr. Terrific: Rose, please. You're embarrassing me!
Rose: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just I get such a kick out of your slogan!
Sophia: That's his slogan, "Look everyone. It's Mr. Terrific"?
Mr. Terrific: Twenty-two years next fall! (Sits down next to Sophia) You must be Sophia.
Blanche: And I'm Blanche Devereaux. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Mr. Terrific: Oh, you watch the show?
Blanche: Why? I already know how to brush my teeth!
Mr. Terrific: Good for you! You won't be rounded up by the cavity cops.
Rose: Oh, Dorothy! I'm glad you're here. Meet Mr. Terrific!
Dorothy: Oh, Mr. Terrific meet Mrs. Severely Depressed.
Blanche: Dorothy, what's wrong?
Dorothy: Oh, I just found out what my great job at the day camp is, head of arts and crafts. I'll be spending the entire summer gluing macaroni to construction paper.
Rose (To Mr. Terrific): Dorothy's a high school teacher looking for summer time work.
Mr. Terrific: Really? I might be able to help you out! My producer's been looking for someone with education credentials to act as a…a consultant on the show.
Dorothy: That sounds like it could be very interesting.
Mr. Terrific: Oh, I doubt it. The only really interesting job on the show is being me. But I'll be glad to see what I can do. Come on Rose. We'd better get going.
Dorothy: Well, if you can do anything to help me, it would be really…
Mr. Terrific: Terrific?
(Dorothy nods her head yes)
Mr. Terrific: Nice meeting all of you! Goodbye!
Dorothy: Goodbye and thank you!
(Rose and Mr. Terrific leave)
Sophia: Don't count on that job, Dorothy. Many women have had their hopes dashed by smooth talking TV sharpies. Dave Garroway told me if I treated him right I'd be his sidekick on the Today show. I said no. And he ended up with a monkey. Draw your own conclusions.
(The set of Mr. Terrific's TV show; Dorothy is observing the taping from the sidelines)
Mr. Terrific (Singing): T-E-Double R-I-F-I-C. Shove a 'Mr." in the front and you've got me! (Stops singing) Ok, boys and girls, it's time to learn about our special word! Kolak! (A puppet emerges from behind a box) Tell us what today's special word is!
Mr. Terrific: The word for today is hot! Hot has a lot of meanings, boys and girls. Coffee is hot, a stove is hot, Angie Dickinson is hot. Very funny Mr. Stage Manager. And now, boys and girls, we're going to see- (There is a loud crash) Wait a minute! Wait a minute! My super terrific hearing detects a visitor! (Goes to a door and opens it) It's Mr. Policeman… (Looks at the mailman outfit the guy is wearing)…disguised as Mr. Mailman! Why, why, why, why don't I find out why while you boys and girls watch another special adventure of Ricky the Flying Turtle! See you in a few minutes! (He and the mailman wave bye)
Mr. Terrific: Freddy, it's been sixteen years! When are you going to learn? Tuesday it's Mr. Policeman, Thursday it's Mr. Mailman!
(The mailman leaves; Mr. Terrific goes over to the puppet)
Mr. Terrific: And he wonders why he can't have his own series!
Kolak: Well, (Mutters something unintelligible)
Mr. Hastings: Dorothy, I read you're memo. I like the way you think.
Dorothy: Why, thank you Mr. Hastings, thank you very much!
Mr. Hastings: You've got a lot of modern ideas for a woman your age!
Dorothy: Oh, you're just saying that!
Mr. Hastings: No, no, I mean it. I really think you're old.
Rose: Dorothy, how's the show going?
Dorothy: Terrible! But better than "Thirty Something".
Stage Manager: In 5, 4, 3, 2 (Points the go finger)
Mr. Terrific: Wasn't that fun, boys and girls?
Kolak: (Mutters something unintelligible)…Twilar.
Mr. Terrific: Kolak says that I have to return to my home planet of Twilar immediately so we'll just say goodbye this time until next time, boys and girls, when you turn on your TV sets and hear…
Offset Voices: Look everyone, Mr. Terrific!
(Mr. Terrific runs off stage)
Stage Manager: Clear!
(Mr. Terrific returns and goes over to Rose and Dorothy)
Mr. Terrific: Hi Rose! Let me change capes and we'll be on our way.
(Mr. Hastings walks through hurriedly)
Mr. Hastings: In my office, Terrific. Now!
Mr. Terrific: Say please, Mr. Producer! Little twerp. He was on my show when he was five. He sat on my lap and peed on me.
Dorothy: I guess old habits die hard.
Rose: Listen, why don't I go back with Dorothy and then you can stop by the house when you're finished.
Mr. Terrific: You're a terrific lady, Rose Nylund.
Rose: Thank you.
Mr. Terrific: So how come you're not wearing the Terrific Lady button I got for you?
Rose: Oh! Sorry, yes, right.
(Mr. Terrific leaves the set)
Rose: I'm nuts about that guy!
Dorothy: You'd have to be.
Rose: But you know it's so strange. You have no idea what it's like dating a superhero!
Dorothy: Sure I can! My Stan and Superman had a lot in common. They were both faster than a speeding bullet.
(Rose and Dorothy leave the studio)
(Sophia is in the kitchen having something to drink; Blanche enters)
Blanche: I haven't had a decent night sleep in weeks! Every time I climb into bed, I feel guilty.
Sophia: Take down the video equipment.
Blanche: I'm talking about the brass bed! I shouldn't have kept it. Rose was right. It's just like stealing.
Sophia: Then call the store and return it.
Blanche: Oh, I can't do that! I've had it over three weeks! They won't take it back.
Sophia: How much wear can you give a bed in just three weeks?
(Blanche looks at Sophia)
Sophia: I see your point.
(Dorothy and Rose enter the kitchen)
Blanche: Well, Rose, I though you had a date with Mr. Terrific.
Rose: He'll be over in a little while. The producer had to have an important meeting with him after the show.
Dorothy: Actually, I have a feeling it was to discuss some of the recommendations that I made.
Sophia: I hope you recommended he do some exercise. A man shouldn't be allowed to wear tights unless he's got a butt like Baryshnikov.
(Dorothy and Blanche shake their heads in agreement; the doorbell rings)
Rose: There he is!
(Rose goes to answer the door)
Blanche: Dorothy, can I ask you a question? What do you think I ought to do with my bed?
Dorothy: Put it in the Smithsonian, Blanche. It has more miles on it than the Spirit of St. Louis.
Blanche: I am serious! What do you think I should do?
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Now, Blanche, you know the difference between right and wrong!
Sophia: Please, in bed she only knows the difference between right and left.
(Meanwhile, Rose opens the door; Mr. Terrific is there)
Rose: Honey, why are you still wearing your costume?
Mr. Terrific: I didn't have time to change. I couldn't wait to get out of there!
Rose: Why, what happened?
(Dorothy and Blanche enter the living room)
Mr. Terrific: They fired me! And it's all her fault! (Points to Dorothy)
Rose: Fired you?! How could they fire Mr. Terrific?
Mr. Terrific: How? I'll tell you how. The newly hired amateur consultant had a few recommendations on how to improve MY show!
Dorothy: They were only suggestions, some ideas I had that I thought would help the show!
Mr. Terrific: Oh, like changing the theme song?
Dorothy: Well, I mean, frankly, the lyrics are a bit inane.
Mr. Terrific: I wrote those lyrics!
Blanche: How did Dorothy get you fired?
Mr. Terrific: They loved her ideas. They said I should use them. I said no. They said you're fired.
Dorothy: Look, it was never my intention for anything like this to happen! I'll go down first thing in the morning and talk to him.
Rose: Come on, honey, sit down. Now don't worry, if Dorothy says she'll get you're job back then that's exactly what she's gonna do.
Mr. Terrific: Well, I guess it's worth a shot. (Grabs a notepad and a pencil) Look, here's where you can reach me. Call me if you can work things out. (Hands Dorothy the paper) I'll be there until show time.
Dorothy: Fine, one more thing.
Mr. Terrific: What's that?
Dorothy: Can you leave by the back door? (Gestures to his costume)
(Rose gives Dorothy a mean look and follows Mr. Terrific out the back)
(Dorothy goes running onto the set of The Mr. Terrific Show)
Dorothy: Oh Mr. Hastings, Mr. Hastings! I need to speak with you.
Mr. Hastings: Not now, Dorothy! I've got a show about to go on the air and no star. (To someone behind) Jody, did you find him yet?
Dorothy: I know where Mr. Terrific is.
Mr. Hastings: No, not Mr. Terrific, Mr. Mailman. He's supposed to be our guest host but he's disappeared.
Dorothy: Oh, try the ladies room. Yeah, I found him there one time when he was playing Mrs. Nurse.
Mr. Hastings: I didn't know we had a character Mrs. Nurse.
Dorothy: We don't. Look, Mr. Hastings, when I made those recommendations I never intended for you to fire Mr. Terrific! I mean I was merely-
Mr. Hastings: Dorothy, the guy is history! His day is over. People don't want that kind of show anymore.
Dorothy: Yeah, but the public loves him.
Mr. Hastings: That's his story. The numbers say different.
(Jody comes on set with Mr. Policeman)
Jody: I found him!
Mr. Hastings: Great! (To Mr. Policeman) You've got two minutes to air time.
Mr. Policeman: I'm not going on. No one can replace Mr. Terrific. You can just say goodbye to Mr. Policeman.
(Mr. Policeman leaves)
Dorothy: It's Thursday. I thought he was supposed to be Mr. Mailman.
Jody: Alright, whatta we do now?
Dorothy: Listen, listen. You're star is just a phone call away. Give me the word and Mr. Terrific will be back on the air.
Mr. Hastings: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I think I've got a better idea.
(Mr. Terrific is in a local pub; Rose walks in)
Mr. Terrific: Hi. Well, I guess you're friend couldn't work things out.
Rose: There's still time.
Mr. Terrific: I think my time has passed Rose. Twenty-two years I've been Mr. Terrific. Twenty-two years! I was doing weekend weather forecasts when I turned an old blanket into a cape and created Mr. Terrific. Kolak, the puppet, I made him from a sock, ten minutes before air time. It was an argyle. Back in those days, Kolak used to be from Scotland. Everything about that show came from inside my head!
Rose: And off your foot.
Mr. Terrific: Kids starting tuning in in droves. The critics called me the next Captain Kangaroo! Mr. Greenjeans sent me a fan letter! I'm not going to let it end like this Rose. I can't believe that my fans would want it this way.
Rose: Dorothy won't let you down. I bet she's on her way to a phone right now to call you.
(Mr. Terrific looks up at the TV and Rose turns around to see; Dorothy is on his show, hosting)
Dorothy (On TV): So I'm Mrs. Schoolteacher and I'm gonna be your friend just for today. Of course, Kolak from Twilar will also be here… (Dorothy looks down for Kolak) …later.
(Mr. Terrific reaches up and shuts off the TV)
Rose: Where are you going?
Mr. Terrific: Back to the studio! There's only one thing left to do!
(Mr. Terrific runs out and Rose runs after him)
Bar patron: Who was that nut?
Bartender: I don't know. Mr. Terrific usually comes in alone!
(The set of the Mr. Terrific show where Dorothy is hosting)
Dorothy: So you see, it's very important we eat lots of fruits and grains and try to avoid sweets. Right, Kolak?
Kolak: Why don't you try to avoid sweets? It's not a prettypicture from down here.
Dorothy: Why, Kolak, I didn't know that you could speak English.
Kolak: Hey lady, what you don't know could fill a space the size of Guam.
Dorothy: And, um, since you've brought up Guam, why don't we talk about geography for a little bit.
Kolak: You wanna see some geography, lady; I'll show you some geography!
Dorothy (Looks down): WHOA! Kolak!
Kolak: You know what we call this on the planet Twilar, huh?
(Dorothy grabs the puppets mouth)
Kolak: Quick thinking Mrs. Schoolteacher! Like that's really gonna shut me up!
Dorothy (To the stage manager): What do I do now?!
Kolak: Why don't you tell the boys and girls how you gave Mr. Terrific the axe!
Dorothy: A cartoon, a cartoon. That's right! Here we go.
Stage Manager: You're clear!
Dorothy: Oh, that's it. I'm finished!
(Kolak's puppeteer storms off set)
Mr. Hastings: Dorothy, Dorothy, clam down! Things are going very well.
Dorothy: Very well?! They were trying to kill me out there. They want Mr. Terrific back! And so do I.
Rose: Dorothy! How could you do this? I thought you were my friend!
Dorothy: I am Rose. I am. It just happened so fast. They were pushing me out there and before I knew it, I was singing the Mr. Terrific theme song. I'm sorry Rose! I mean, I didn't intend for this to happen.
Rose: Well, I think you better explain that to Mr. Terrific. Dorothy, he thinks you stole his job!
Dorothy: I promise, Rose! The minute I see him.
Rose: Well, he's right here! We can…Where'd he go?
(Jody comes running on set)
Jody: Mr. Terrific's out on the ledge! It looks like he's about to jump!
(Jody exits; Dorothy and Rose along with some other people follow her)
Mr. Hastings: Hey, hey! Where's everybody going? We gotta a show to do! (The stage manager comes up to him) You're on! (Mr. Hastings throws the stage manager on set)
(Mr. Hastings runs off)
Stage Manager: I'm on in 5, 4, 3, 2 (Gives the go sign to himself). Hi kids!
(A high up ledge on the building; Dorothy goes and looks out and sees Mr. Terrific standing on it)
Dorothy: Hi there Mr. Terrific! How ya doing?
Mr. Terrific: Terrific!
Dorothy: Uh, why don't you come inside?
Mr. Terrific: I can't fly from inside. That's how Superman does it. I have to fly from the ledge. That's how we do it back on the planet Twilar.
(Rose sticks her head out the same window as Dorothy)
Rose: How's he doing?
Dorothy: I'll be honest. Right now Squeaky Frome has a better grasp on reality.
(Rose goes to the other window)
Rose: Hi, honey.
Mr. Terrific: Hi Rose! I can see you're house from here.
Rose: Really? Where?
Rose: Honey, we want you to come in off the ledge. We're worried about you.
Mr. Terrific: There's nothing to worry about. I'm not really going to jump! That would be crazy.
Rose: Oh, thank goodness!
Mr. Terrific: I'm going to fly!
Rose: You can't fly!
Mr. Terrific: Mr. Terrific can do anything!
Dorothy: Of course you can Mr. Terrific. Rose, don't argue with him. Uhm, Mr. Terrific, I think that Lex Luthor and Joker are harassing an old lady in the stairwell. Could you come in and melt them with your x-ray vision?
Rose: Mr. Terrific doesn't have x-ray vision!
Dorothy: Please, Rose! This is no time to point out his shortcomings! Mr. Terrific, please come inside. I don't want your job. We'll figure out a way to get it back for you.
Mr. Terrific: There's only one way to get my job back and that's to prove to my fans that I deserve the name Mr. Terrific! (To the people below) Hello fans! It's me, Mr. Terrific!
People below: Jump! Jump!
Rose: There's only one way to handle this.
(Rose climbs out on the ledge with Mr. Terrific)
Dorothy: Rose! Rose no! (Dorothy runs to the other window) Rose, don't go out there! Rose, come back here!
Rose: Don't worry Dorothy. I was trained in psychology back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy: That doesn't count Rose! In St. Olaf they think that Freud is a way to cook chicken!
Rose: Honey, do you still think you can fly?
Mr. Terrific: Yes.
Rose: Fine! Then if you're going to fly, you're going to have to take me with you. Do you still want to do it?
Mr. Terrific: Absolutely!
(Rose looks horrified as Mr. Terrific takes her in his arms)
Rose: I really should have paid closer attention at that refresher course back at the junior college.
(Mr. Terrific picks up Rose and jumps)
Dorothy: Oh my god! He's…flying!
(Mr. Terrific along with Rose swing back and forth in front of the building)
(Sophia, Rose, and Dorothy along with Mr. Terrific are gathered in the living room)
Sophia: Wait a minute! Wasn't it dangerous flying around that building?
Mr. Terrific: Not at all. I was rigged in a double harness suspended by steel cables.
Dorothy: Yeah, but Rose wasn't!
Rose: Oh, I wasn't worried! I know Mr. Terrific's superhero code. He'd never ever drop a girl!
Dorothy: Well, I'm glad the publicity stunt worked and I could not be happier you got your job back.
Rose: Oh, Freddy'll be here any second. We have a lot to celebrate!
Mr. Terrific: Yes, I'm still Mr. Terrific and he's still Mr. Policeman.
(Blanche enters in her nightgown)
Blanche: I cannot sleep anymore! I just lie there waiting for the authorities to catch up with me. Every siren I hear I know is for me. Every footstep outside my window belongs to that obsessive detective who will not rest until he tracks me down!
Dorothy: Blanche, you are being ridiculous!
(The doorbell rings; Blanche goes to answer it; it's Mr. Policeman)
Blanche: OHH! Thank God, I can't live with myself anymore! Take me!
Blanche: Dorothy, please stay out of this. I know best. Just slap the handcuffs on me! The bed's this way.
(Mr. Policeman begins to follow Blanche across the living room)
Mr. Policeman: You know what's funny? I was supposed to be Mr. Mailman today.
(Mr. Policeman continues on into Blanche's room)