The Golden Girls
Season 1- "The Pilot"
(Opening Titles and Song)
(Coco is cooking in the kitchen. Dorothy enters the kitchen.)
Dorothy: I taught a class today. The finest school in Dade County. Two girls had shaved heads and three boys had green hair.
Coco: They're expressing themselves.
Dorothy: Yeah, well, I expressed myself. I told them they had to leave; they were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A father came in in a three piece suit and defended Tiffany, a bald girl with a nose ring. (Looks at what Coco is cooking) What's that?
Coco: Enchiladas rancheros.
Dorothy: Why don't you just shoot me?
(Rose enters from the back way)
Dorothy and Coco: Hi Rose!
Rose: What a day! One sad person after another.
Dorothy: Rose you work at grief counseling! What else do you expect, comedians?
Rose: Well, it'd be a change of pace.
(Blanche enters the kitchen)
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June. Only cats are wearing fur.
Rose (To Blanche): You going out?
Dorothy (To Rose): Oh, no. She's gonna sit here where it's a 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.
Blanche (Reaching into the fridge): I just need some cucumbers to put on my eyes.
Dorothy: You'll have trouble seeing, Blanche.
Blanche (Laughs): It's very good. It reduces puffiness.
Rose: Does it work on thighs?
Blanche: I don't know honey. I don't need it on my thighs.
(Blanche leaves the kitchen, Rose gets up to say something back to Blanche, and Dorothy pushes her back down in her seat)
Rose: Who's she going out with?
Coco: Harry. Again.
(Coco exits kitchen)
Dorothy: Harry? Who is this Harry?
Rose: All Blanche said was he still has his own teeth and hair.
Dorothy: Oh it is wonderful dating in Miami! All the single men under 80 are cocaine smugglers.
Rose: You know, I'd kill to be twenty again.
Dorothy: Oh, I would kill to be forty again. Oh, you know I had the shock of my life today. I was in the teacher's lounge talking to a group of girls in their twenties. Oh, they were so pretty. At that age, you don't even have to be pretty and you're pretty. (Rose chuckles) And anyway we were laughing and giggling and having a great time and I completely forgot that I was older. You know, I just felt like one of the girls and I had a wonderful time. And then I got into my car and caught a glimpse of myself and I almost had a heart attack! This old woman was in the mirror. I didn't even recognize her.
Rose: Who was it?
Dorothy (Stares at Rose): It was ME!
(Blanche enters the kitchen)
Blanche: Oh, Rose I'm borrowing your earrings. Lord, I'd love to get a face lift by 8 o'clock!
(Blanche turns to leave)
Dorothy: Blanche? (Blanche turns back around) Who IS Harry?
Blanche: Oh girls, he's just wonderful! He's very gallant, he's a perfect gentleman, he's a great dancer, and he doesn't make noises when he chews!
Dorothy: Chewing! That's way up there on my list. Comes right after intelligence.
Blanche: He doesn't talk loud at the movies, doesn't take his own pulse, and…he's still interested.
Rose: In what?
Dorothy (Puts her hand on her head and then looks back at Rose): Rose, if you have to ask, it does not matter anymore.
Blanche: AND…he proposed.
(Blanche leaves the kitchen. Dorothy and Rose run after her)
Rose: BLANCHE! WAIT A MINUTE! (The girls follow Blanche into the living room) He proposed? You've only known him a week!
Blanche (Nods her head yes): And he wants an answer tonight.
(Blanche and Dorothy look shocked)
Dorothy: Tonight! What are you gonna tell him?
Blanche: I dunno. You know he's very wonderful but I have only known him for a week.
Rose: That's right!
Blanche: But I don't want to lose him! (Sighs) Girls, I just don't know what I'm gonna do. (Pauses) I have to go put on my face.
(Blanche exits to her room, Rose and Dorothy stare at each other)
Rose: What if she marries him? What'll happen to us? This house is hers.
Dorothy: Then we'll move.
Rose: We can't afford to buy a house. What do we have for collateral? A gay cook?
Dorothy: Oh c'mon Rose. Nobody is getting married. Now, let's go talk to Blanche.
(They walk towards Blanche's bedroom)
Rose: Dorothy! We'll become bag ladies!
(Dorothy turns around and stares at her. They then enter Blanche's room. Blanche is sitting at her vanity, putting on lipstick.)
Dorothy (From outside the room): Blanche! (Dorothy knocks)
Blanche: Come in.
Dorothy (Enters the bedroom): Blanche, Blanche. You're friend Harry wants an answer tonight. What are you gonna tell him?
Blanche: I haven't decided. I guess I'll know when I hear it come out of my mouth.
Dorothy: You'll know when you hear it come out of your mouth? This isn't a belch Blanche. This is marriage. (Pauses and looks down at the cosmetics on Blanche's vanity) Will you look at this? She has more colors than Benjamin Moore paints!
Rose: You mustn't rush into anything Blanche. You hardly know him.
Blanche: I just wonder what my husband George would think about me and Harry…
Dorothy: Well, if he was alive, he probably would not like it. But since he's dead I don't think it poses a problem.
Blanche: Well, I just want him to know that I'm happy but that I could never be as happy with Harry, in the same way, as I was with him.
Rose: He knows Blanche, he knows. Your thoughts and feelings go right to him. You can communicate directly from your heart, can't you Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh don't ask me! I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.
(Somewhere, a doorbell chimes)
Blanche: That's him! He's early! I haven't finished my face.
Dorothy: The only thing left is to dip it in bronze. We'll go.
(Dorothy and Rose leave to answer the front door)
Dorothy: I wonder what he looks like!
Rose: I just hope he doesn't have hair in his ears.
(Dorothy turns around to look at Rose and Rose makes an icky face and shudders. Dorothy opens the door)
Sophia: Hi there.
Dorothy: Ma!! Ma, what's the matter?
Sophia: Everyone is fine. No one died. The home burned down.
Dorothy: My God, are you all right? How did you get here?
Sophia: I hitched.
Dorothy: Oh Ma!
Sophia: A cab. I took a cab.
Dorothy: Well, you should have called.
Sophia: I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself. I don't need help. I'm a totally independent person.
Dorothy: I know, I know.
Sophia: I need $67 for the cab.
Dorothy (Looks shocked): $67!!! Ma, ma this is crazy. The home's fifteen minutes from here.
Sophia: My cab driver is Cuban. He said there was an additional tax for a bilingual driver.
Dorothy: I'll take care of him.
(Dorothy grabs her purse and leaves to take care of the cabbie)
Rose: Sit down Sophia. You must be exhausted.
Sophia: Why? I rode in the cab. I didn't push it.
(Blanche enters the living room)
Blanche: Oh Sophia honey! How nice to see you!
Sophia: Who are you?
Blanche: It's me Blanche.
Sophia (Looks Blanche up and down): You look like a prostitute.
(Blanche laughs and Rose looks shocked)
Rose: Sophia, the things you say! She didn't mean that Blanche.
Sophia: Of course I did! Look at her. My cab driver would fall in love!
(Sophia stands up and heads toward the kitchen)
Sophia: Can I get something to eat or is the fancy man in the kitchen?
(Sophia exits the living room)
Rose: The way she talks!
Blanche: She can't help it.
Rose: I've known plenty of women who've had strokes. Some of them were in very bad shape but they were still ladies!
But Rose, this stroke destroyed the part of her brain that censors what she says so she just says whatever she wants. She can't help it!
(Sophia reenters from the kitchen with a sandwich)
Sophia: He's an ok petunia!
(Dorothy comes back inside)
Dorothy: Ma, ma! The cabbie says you promised him a $67 tip!
Sophia: Don't be silly! I said a $6, $7 dollar tip. Why don't these people learn English if they're gonna live here! This is Miami. I'd have less trouble getting around Ecuador!
(The doorbell chimes)
Blanche: Oh! I'll get it! (Blanche opens the door) Harry!
Harry: Ahh, my pretty! (Kisses Blanche's hand)
Blanche: Oh Harry! Everybody this is Harry. Harry this is Rose, and Dorothy, and this is Sophia. (He shakes there hands in turn and greets them except for Sophia)
Harry (To Sophia): Well you must be Blanche's sister!
Sophia: You must be blind.
Blanche (Giggles politely): Sophia's home just burned down.
Harry: Well that's terrible!
Sophia: Not to me. It was a retirement home and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarms! In a retirement home! Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs, but they got bells going off like crazy! You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty.
(Everyone stares at Sophia)
Harry: Uhhh...We'd better go. We have reservations.
(Harry helps Blanche put on the stole)
Sophia: I hope he's taking you to a cold climate!
Harry: Goodnight ladies! It was a pleasure meeting you!
Dorothy: Nice meeting you Harry. Have fun!
(Harry and Blanche leave)
Sophia: The man is a scuzzball!
(Dorothy throws her hands up in the air in exasperation and then she stares at Sophia disgustedly)
Rose (sits down on couch): This is so sad! We were all so lonely and then by a miracle, we found each other!
Dorothy: Rose! We both answered an ad to share Blanche's house that we found in the supermarket. It was not the resurrection. It is hardly a miracle!
Rose: To me it was a miracle! Because we're happy! (Pauses) It's not fair, you know? I mean, we get married. We have kids. The kids leave and our husbands die. Is that some kind of a test? (Dorothy sits next to Rose and tries to comfort her) You don't work that hard, you don't…you don't go through everything you go through to be left alone. We are alone Dorothy! We really are. Our families are gone and we're alone and there are too many years left and I don't know what to do!
Sophia: Get a poodle.
(Dorothy glares at Sophia, Sophia looks around innocently, and Rose thinks about it)
(Rose and Dorothy are out on the lanai with Coco having something to drink)
Rose: It's yes. I know it is. She's gonna marry him.
Dorothy: Oh c'mon Rose!
Rose: She can't help it. Blanche needs a man. She told me when George died she made a date at the funeral. (Dorothy looks shocked) Oh not that the she didn't love George! She can't…BE…without a man. (Rose bobs up and down) Know what I'm saying?
(Dorothy watches Rose bobbing up and down)
Dorothy: What am I doing up? I'm subbing for a teacher who was shot by a student. I need all the sleep I can get.
(Rose, Dorothy, and Coco reenter the living room)
Rose: I used to sleep so well. I never even turned over! I'd wake up with a perfect hairdo. (Rose laughs) Charlie, on the other hand, moves all night long! His side of the bed looks like a murder took place!
Dorothy: Rose! Charlie is dead.
Coco (Carrying a tray): Why tell her?
Dorothy: Coco, its fifteen years!
Rose: I know he's dead. I'm not crazy. I just like to talk about him in the present tense sometimes. It makes him seem closer.
Coco: That's fine Rose. You do that. I don't mind at all.
Dorothy: Sure Rose. (To Coco) Set a place at the table!
(Coco sets the tray down on the table. Blanche comes home)
Blanche (Upon seeing everyone in the living room): Well hi!
Rose: What happened?
Blanche: Oh we had the nicest time! We went to Joe's. You ever been to Joe's?
Rose: Yes. What happened?
Blanche: I had the stone crabs. I've never had stone crabs. You ever had stone crabs?
Dorothy: Yes Blanche. Just tell us!
Blanche: Oh I was just so relieved they didn't have eyes! You know, I can't eat anything with eyes, like lobster.
Rose: I can't eat anything that moves!
Dorothy: Like what Rose? Horses?
Rose: Like oysters!
Coco: Oysters don't move!
Dorothy: COCO! THEY COULD DANCE! WHO CARES? (To Blanche) Tell us.
Rose: Oysters move! Very slowly. You have to watch very closely.
(Dorothy glares at Rose and Rose shuts up)
Dorothy: Blanche, are you gonna marry Harry?
Blanche: "Marry Harry" "Marry Harry"
Rose: A little rhyme!
Dorothy: (To Rose) Knock it off! (To Blanche) Are you?
Blanche: Yes! Next week!
(Everyone is surprised)
Rose: I knew it. I knew she was gonna marry him!
Dorothy: But…next week!?!?
Blanche: At our age, long engagements don't make sense. (Gets up from her chair) I have to go to bed!
Rose: Where will you live?
Blanche: Well, here!
Rose: Where will we live?
Dorothy: Oh, don't worry! We'll live, we'll live.
Blanche: Oh! I hadn't thought of that!
Rose: It's so hard to find a place to live.
(Dorothy tries to quiet Rose on the issue)
Blanche: Well, you can just stay right here!
Rose (Chuckling): Well, that's settled!
Dorothy: Oh Rose! How can we stay here with Blanche and Harry?
Rose: She just said…
Blanche: Well you certainly can until you find a place!
Rose: However long that takes.
(Dorothy shoots a look at Rose)
Blanche: We're going to New York for the honeymoon! I just hope I don't get murdered.
(Blanche exits the living room. Dorothy and Rose contemplate this new development)
Rose: Charlie and I waited two whole years before we got married.
Dorothy: I got married before my father finished the sentence.
Rose: You married your father?!
(Rose looks shocked, Dorothy looks exasperated)
Dorothy: My father told Stan that he had to marry me. I was pregnant.
Rose: You had a blowgun wedding?!
Dorothy: If you live in the Amazon! In Queens, it's called shotgun.
Rose: Well, maybe that's why he left, because you forced him into it.
Dorothy: Rose! He left me thirty-eight years later! For a stewardess that he met on a business trip to Hawaii. It was her first flight. They said upon arrival, give the passengers a lai. She got confused, he got lucky, and they now live on Maui. Oh, it's really wonderful. A 65 year old man with gout learning to wind surf! I hope he trips on his thongs and falls into a volcano.
(Sophia enters the living room)
Sophia: Oh it's you!
Rose: Oh Sophia. Did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard noise. I thought it was robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma! You don't have any jewels!
Sophia: Thank God, because I can't find them.
(Coco enters from the kitchen)
Coco: Tea Sophia?
Sophia: How about a shot of gin with a beer back?
(Coco looks at her)
Rose: That was dumb of me to have tea this late. Now I'll go to sleep and have to get up to go.
Dorothy: Yeah and wake me up! You know if you didn't drink before bedtime, you wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night.
Rose: I don't drink before bedtime! I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
Sophia: I never have that problem. Never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning, like clockwork, 7 a.m., I pee. Unfortunately, I don't wake up till 8.
(Dorothy looks unsurprised and Rose makes a gross face)
(The day of the wedding. Dorothy is in Blanche's bedroom. Rose enters looking for Blanche)
Rose: Where's Blanche?
Dorothy: In the bathroom.
Rose: I've got to talk to you. (Pulls Dorothy aside)
Dorothy: What is it?
Rose: I know this sounds crazy but I'm suspicious.
Dorothy: Of what?
Rose: And I don't know why! There's just something about it I don't like. And I have to tell Blanche.
Dorothy: Tell Blanche what?
Rose: That she can't marry him!
Dorothy: The wedding is in 12 minutes! You can't tell her that!
Rose: I owe it to her. I'm her friend.
Dorothy: But there's nothing to tell her! This is just some crazy hunch.
Rose: My hunches are never wrong! Mrs. Gandhi would be alive today if she had taken my call!
(Dorothy goes back to the full length mirror)
Rose: I'm gonna tell her.
Dorothy: You are not! I'm not gonna let you!
(Blanche enters from the bathroom)
Blanche: I can't stop crying! I'm so happy and so sad. Kind of a happy sad.
Rose: Speaking of sad, Blanche…
Dorothy: Shut up Rose.
Rose: But she's crying already. What's the difference?
Dorothy (Grabs something off the vanity and throws it behind her): Rose, pick that up.
(Rose goes to get it)
Blanche: I just can't believe it! I'm getting married! What do you think about that?
Rose (sets the item back on the vanity): I think it's a mistake!
Dorothy: To wear all that makeup!
Blanche: I know its fast but I just don't know when I'll find another like him. He's just…Oh girls, girls he makes me feel so good, so young, so happy.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose did you hear that? Soooo happy!
(Rose strains a smile)
Blanche: Now I have to go to the bathroom again! You know, when I get nervous I have to go all the time! That's why I'm getting married here at the house. Public bathrooms are so difficult for me. I wash my hands so thoroughly and then I find it so hard to get out again without touching the doorknob.
(Blanche enters the bathroom)
Dorothy: BE TOO LONG!
(Dorothy grabs Rose and puts her hand over her mouth)
Dorothy: Rose that is a happy woman in there! Now, I want you to promise that you won't say anything! Do you promise? (Rose says nothing; Dorothy forces Rose's head to shake up and down) DO YOU PROMISE? (Rose nods yes) Are you sure? (Rose nods yes again)
(Blanche reenters; Dorothy changes her hand over Rose's mouth to a chokehold)
Blanche: What's got me so sad…
(Blanche sees Dorothy and Rose)
Blanche: OHHHH! I just can't… (Blanche joins what she thinks is a group hug) I just never, never had two better friends! I just can't stand the thought of leaving you! (Blanche kisses Rose's cheek, Dorothy then kisses the opposite cheek, and Rose glares at her)
Dorothy (Releasing Rose): Oh Blanche! You look gorgeous! Shut up Rose. Are you ready?
Blanche: Yes! I guess.
(Dorothy grabs Rose and throws her into the closet and locks it; Coco enters)
Coco: The minister's here!
Blanche: OH I need perfume!
Dorothy: Oh Perfume, perfume! Let's go!
(Dorothy grabs one and spritzes Blanche as she walks out the door. So far everything between Rose and Dorothy has happened while Blanche's back was turned. Blanche and Dorothy leave and Coco goes to straighten the bed and hears a noise from within the closet. He unlocks it.)
(Everyone is sitting around the living room, including the minister. Blanche looks out the door for someone and, upon seeing no one, closes it)
Blanche: He's a half hour late.
Coco: He probably got caught in traffic.
The minister: Look, ladies, I'm on a tight schedule. This is Miami. I've got funerals backed up.
Coco: Give us a few minutes, please!
The minister: Five minutes more, then I've got to bury Mr. Pinkus.
(The doorbell rings, Blanche rushes to it)
Coco: You see!
(There is a policeman at the door)
Policeman: Is there a Blanche Hollingsworth here?
Blanche: Oh God, he's been killed.
Policeman: He gave me this to give to you. (Hands her a note) He's a bigamist, m'am. He's wanted in four states. He's got six wives. (Blanche is dumbfounded. Rose and Dorothy are astonished) You got yourself mixed up with a real hustler. Sorry.
(The policeman leaves)
The minister: Well, you won't be needing me today.
(The minister leaves; Dorothy comes forward)
Dorothy: Blanche, do you want to read the note? (Blanche is bewildered) Do you want me to read it to you? (Blanche hands Dorothy the note) "Dear Blanche, I guess you know by now. I'm really sorry but the thing is I really like you. This time was different. You're a special lady. Maybe someday you'll write to me. Harry."
Blanche (After a pause): I'm stunned…I'm just stunned…I feel like such an old fool…Not just a fool but an old fool…My God, I just want to die.
Rose: You're not a fool, Blanche. You're a beautiful, loving, trusting woman. There's no fool here Blanche.
Blanche (After a pause): I guess maybe I'm hoping the shock will be too much for my heart and I'll just drop dead right here…and the minister can bury me with Mr. Pinkus…I won't have to look anyone in the eye ever again.
Rose: Except maybe Mr. Pinkus.
(Dorothy pinches Rose)
(Rose and Dorothy are out on the lanai; Dorothy comes in the gate carrying a very soggy newspaper)
Dorothy: If I meet our paper boy he won't live to be a paper man! (She lays the paper on something to dry) Florida is having a drought. In the entire state, there is not enough water to make a cup of tea, he finds a puddle. (Dorothy walks over to Sophia, taking a hand mirror out of her purse; she holds it under Sophia's nose)
Rose: What are you doing?! She's sleeping!
Dorothy: Just checking. You never know. Tell me, how is Blanche?
Rose: She didn't go to work again today.
Rose: It's been three weeks and she just sits in her room. The museum's gonna fire her.
Dorothy: Well, we've tried everything. Golf, the movies, theater tickets. She wouldn't even budge for Julio Inglesias.
Rose: I know grief. It takes time.
Dorothy: Please, Rose. Listen, if you're Irish, you have a wake. You eat, you cry, you drink, you vomit, and you're done. If you're Jewish, you cry, you sit, you eat for seven days, you put on ten pounds and it's over. We Italians scream, dress up a donkey, hire a band, and that's that. It's these southern Protestants who make it a way of life!
Sophia: When I go, put me in a steel sack and leave me on the curb next to the cans.
Dorothy: We thought you were asleep.
Sophia: You never know.
Blanche: You girls shouldn't sit out here in the sun.
Rose: Blanche! We've been so worried about you.
Blanche: I know
Rose: Oh, I'm so glad you're out!
Blanche: I'm sorry if I worried you.
Dorothy: Oh sweetheart, how are you?
Blanche: I'm ok. I really am. No, at first I wanted to give up, to die, truly. Only time I ever felt worse was when George died. But then I had the kids with me and I pulled through it. This time, I thought, well this is my last chance! This is my last hope for happiness! I just thought I'd never feel good again!
Sophia: How long is this story? I'm 80. I have to plan.
(Dorothy looks at her)
Blanche: Then this morning I woke up and I was in the shower, shampooing my hair and I heard humming. Well, I thought there was someone in there with me. But no, it was me! I was humming and humming means I'm feeling good. And then I realized I was feeling good because of you. You made the difference. (Blanche grabs Dorothy's and Rose's hands) You're my family. And you make me happy to be alive.
(They all smile at each other)
Rose: Lets all drive to Coconut Grove for lunch!
Rose: My treat. We have to celebrate.
Sophia: What? That she came out of her room?
Rose: That we're together!
Dorothy: And that no matter what happens, even if we all get married, we'll stick together.
Rose: We'll need a much bigger house.
Dorothy: Sure Rose. After lunch, you can pick up the lumber. (She turns to Sophia) Ma, you wanna join us?
Sophia: No, I gotta rest. I got a date tonight.
Dorothy: Ah, with whom?
Sophia: The fancy man and I are going to the dog track!
(Sophia exits the lanai)
Blanche: Your mother bets?
Dorothy: No, she rides. She's a dog jockey. Let's go!
(Blanche and Rose laugh as the three of them exit through the gate)