The Goodies

Mrs Desiree Carthorse: I mean, I don't find you reading dirty books, looking at filthy television programs and playing around with girls. You are obviously… Graeme and Tim: Unlucky.

Graeme: Bill, this is Mrs Desiree Carthorse of the 'Keep Filth Off Television' campaign. Bill: You're pulling me leg. Mrs Desiree Carthorse: (gasps) I never thought I would hear a gentleman like you use a disgusting word like L-E-G. Bill: You're right! It is her, isn't it.

Graeme: What? You mean you're going to make a film about S-E (makes an X in the air) Mrs Desiree Carthorse: No! You are. And there is the script I've written for you. It's called 'How to Make Babies by Doing Dirty Things'.

Bill: You mean you're gonna condemn that film without even seeing it? Mrs Desiree Carthorse: Why should I change the habit of a lifetime?!

Bill: Hey! Mrs Carthorse! Tis Mrs Carthorse isn't it? Mrs Desiree Carthorse: Yes… Bill: What does your husband do? Mrs Desiree Carthorse: He keeps his distance!

Tim: It's no use, they've all turned against us. Just look at all these letters. (picks one up and reads it out loud). "Call yourselves Goodies? Baddies is more like it. You must be sick! I only hope that a great big burglar breaks into your home, steals your ill-gotten gains and smashes your ugly faces in. Much love, Mummy".

Interviewer: Obscene, dirty, squalid, scabrous, salacious, lewd, randy, rude, outrageous, lubricious… and a bit off. Just a few of the words that are used to describe the new controversial Gender Education film made by the Goodies.

(after watching an announcement about Bills' new TV shows) Tim: Violence, violence, nothing but violence… if ever I see Bill again I'll smash his ruddy face in!

Bill: (about show business) When you've been in it as long as I have… Tim: Four days! And already you're corrupted. Bill: I'm totally unspoilt by my success. Tim: Unspoilt?! You're a mean, vicious, unprincipled little brute! Bill: Well, I always was!

Tim: (to Mrs Carthorse) Belt up you silly C-O-W!! Mrs Desiree Carthorse: Oh! Police! Rape! (starts to faint) Graeme: Rape?! Mrs Desiree Carthorse: Where?! (faints)