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The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Season 2 Episode 2

Cousin Vinny

Aired Sunday 11:00 PM Mar 28, 2011 on MTV - Music Television
out of 10
User Rating
16 votes

By TV.com Users

Episode Summary

In an attempt to win over the girl of his dreams, RJ asks Jenny on a date. When she says "yes", he and Miles prepare with a G-T-L makeover from Cousin Vinny (Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino).

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    Patrick Cox

    Patrick Cox


    Guest Star

    Vinny Guadagnino

    Vinny Guadagnino

    Cousin Vinny

    Guest Star

    Vered Blonstein

    Vered Blonstein

    Goth Girl

    Guest Star

    Ciena Rae

    Ciena Rae

    Robin Pretnar

    Recurring Role

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (33)

      • RJ Berger: (RJ's closing monologue, after a disastrous date with Jenny ends sweetly with a kiss.) My name is RJ Berger, and I just had an imperfect date with THE perfect girl.

      • RJ Berger: I'm sorry you didn't get your Endless Breadsticks...
        Jenny Swanson: That's okay. I got something much better... (She touches his face and kisses him.)
        Miles: I hope you Scotchgarded your seats.
        Cousin Vinny: Nah... He's keepin' it on a first base lips tonight. He's anglin' long term...
        Lily: (Walking up to the car.) Going my way?
        Cousin Vinny: Whoa! Maintain legal inches sweetheart. But look me up in a few years... LWoww...

      • RJ Berger: Max, Patterson, nice see you both here.
        Max Owens: Berger, what is with this look?
        RJ Berger: We don't got a problem bro, we're cool. (He says, repeating what he'd heard Vinny say earlier, right down to the accent.)
        Max Owens: No... I'm cool, bro. You're 105 pounds of orange loser meat.
        Patterson: And we like our meat pounded.
        Max Owens: Yeah!
        RJ Berger: Max, that's a really nice shirt you're wearin'. It really brings out the blue in your eyes.
        Max Owens: What are you doin'?
        RJ Berger: Bros, don't let it come to blows. (Gives Max a hug.)
        Max Owens: Nobody bro hugs Max Owens!
        Patterson: Except us! For sports!
        Bruno: (Punches Max into a bowl of salad before he can punch RJ.) NOT IN MY RESTAURANT!!!
        Cousin Vinny: Whoa! Cousin, you alright? We heard a commotion. (See's Max sprawled in a bowl of salad.) RJ, you lay this guy out?
        Miles: Whoa! The Endless Salad broke his fall! Man I lova this place! (He says in an Italian accent.)
        RJ Berger: Actually, your bro helped me out.
        Cousin Vinny: Oh, piason! (Clasps hands with him and gives him a quick hug.) Thanks brother!
        Bruno: If anybody's gonna be whuppin' ass in here, it's gonna be me! Any of the rest of you feel like tossin' a little salad? (He says to Patterson and the other football players, who all shake their heads no.)
        Cousin Vinny: Hey, love birds. It's a little too violent in here for a first date. What do you say I take you somewhere... more private?
        RJ Berger: Yeah...
        Cousin Vinny: Come on, let's go.

      • Max Owens: Hey douchebag? Catch! (Throws a breadstick piece into Jenny's soup, splashing it all over her.)
        RJ Berger: That's it! (Throws down his napkin and stands up.)
        Jenny Swanson: RJ, don't! They're not worth it...
        RJ Berger: Yeah, they're not, but YOU are.

      • Lily: (Coming into the restaurant looking for Vinny.) Hot b*tch comin' through!
        Cousin Vinny: (Spotting Lily's considerably taller hairdo.) Oh, hey! Nice pouf girl!
        Lily: Mmm, you should see the one in my pants! (She smiles at Vinny seductively, while he looks uncomfortable.)

      • Cousin Vinny: (Smacks Miles on the arm, pointing out three women who are clearly grandmother, mother, and daughter.) Watch and learn bakala. Hey ladies. I know it's none of my business or anything, but what is this, sister's night out?
        Miles: (In awe.) You have absolute power... I mean, you coulda had all three of them!
        Cousin Vinny: The grandmother was the most fun.
        Miles: Yeah?
        Cousin Vinny: You can tell by the hips. (Wiggles his hips back and forth and snaps his fingers.)
        Miles: Hey! I should be your wingman! Observing the master at work.
        Cousin Vinny: Listen, lunchbox, you're doin' way too much talkin', and not... (Gets cut off by Miles as three young African American women walk in together.)
        Miles: Hey! What is this, sisters night?
        Woman #1: (Drops her purse to the ground.) Oh uh uh! What did you just say?! (Miles takes off running before she can continue.)

      • Max Owens: (Interrupting RJ and Jenny's date.) Well look what we have here! (He slams his hands down on their table.) Disaster date, is on!
        Jenny Swanson: Max, what are you doing here...?
        Max Owens: This is my favorite restaurant baby. When I'm here, they treat me like family. Enjoy my leftovers Berger. We'll be over here if you need anything, capache. (He says, not realizing he's mispronouncing capiche.)

      • RJ Berger: You look, uh, incredibly pretty tonight...
        Jenny Swanson: Thank you! You look... uhh... I'm sorry RJ, but why are you dressed like that? (She asks, pretending not to notice that he's spilling the water he's trying to pour for them.)
        RJ Berger: Oh! Jenny, I'm so stupid. I let Miles and my cousin talk me into this, and... I guess I'm just really nervous...
        Jenny Swanson: That's why I like you RJ... You're never afraid to tell the truth, even if it makes you look a little ridiculous.
        RJ Berger: I look a lot ridiculous.
        Jenny Swanson: Yeah but it's... Kinda cute... You make me feel like... it's okay... to be honest too... Just be myself... Can I confess something...
        RJ Berger: Just please don't tell me you're allergic to Ed Hardy or Axe Body Spray
        Jenny Swanson: (Laughs.) No. This is my first REAL date...
        RJ Berger: You're JENNY SWANSON, how is that possible?
        Jenny Swanson: I mean, I've been to dances and stuff before, but, no one's ever asked me out to dinner or anything. (She puts her hand over his.) This is really sweet...

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Ah... Your first real date... I remember my first with your father... Oh, he was such a gentleman... He made reservations at a fancy place... (She remembers a club called Horneez, and him lifting a dungeon style gate up for her.) He held the door open for me... He ordered for me... (She remembers the inside of the club being an SM theme, and Rick pouring her water from a phallic shaped jug.) He even filled my water glass... He was so classy in the early years... All we did on that first night, was hold hands... (She remembers him cuffing their hands together at the table.) Then love was always so sweet... (She doesn't seem to notice as they all walk right past her.) No lies... No kids... No STDs...

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (Coming in after Vinny has helped Miles and RJ with a makeover.) Mmm mmm mmm. Three men dressed like that always add up to one lucky lady...

      • Cousin Vinny: (Watching RJ and Miles get tanned a light orange color.) This is my favorite shade. It's called Hoboken Rust...

      • Lily: (Walking into the laundymat.) Imagine seeing you here!
        Miles: Oh look! It's the Fugly Salesman! We don't want any!
        Cousin Vinny: Oh, Miles! That's no way to treat a lady. You gotta be nice. Okay?
        Miles: (Reluctantly.) Yeah... Sorry Vinny. (After Vinny turns away to a dryer.) Look Lily, there's not enough room on his jock for the both of us!
        Lily: You know, I'd tell you to get a lap band, but, you don't have a lap.
        RJ Berger: Fancy running into you here Lil...
        Lily: Well I'm not here to see you, if that's what you're thinking. I'm here to see if Vinny needs any help with your move. Like, maybe we could move my bowels in the opposite direction... (She says seductively to Vinny.)
        Cousin Vinny: Are you okay?! (He says after Lily fakes slipping and falling.)
        Lily: Never better! I see muscles don't run in the family, HUH RJ?!
        Cousin Vinny: Lily, you don't look like you're in the right condition to help us move today. You understand right sweetheart?
        Lily: Oh I'm very understanding... And flexible... See ya later, sexy!

      • Miles: (After seeing Vinny pull a woman's thong from his laundry basket.) You wear panties? (Watches in awe as a gorgeous woman walks by, telling Vinny to call her from the number written on the panties.) Obiwan Kenookienobi!!!

      • Cousin Vinny: Alright, next piece of the puzzle, cousin... (Trails off as a heavyset guy bumps into him.)
        Bruno: Watch it tool!
        Cousin Vinny: Whoa whoa whoa, we don't got an issue here bro.
        Bruno: No YOU got an issue BRO! Because I'm about to knock your lights out!
        Cousin Vinny: You gonna buy this shirt bro? It's a pretty fresh shirt. You could do some real damage in this thing.
        Bruno: (Hesitantly.) You... You really think so...?
        Cousin Vinny: Hell yizeah! I got the same one! This thing is hippo repellant bro. You know, it really brings out your eyes...
        Bruno: Th, th, thanks man...
        Cousin Vinny: (Kisses the guy on each cheek, Italian ) Hug it out, hug it out... Say hello to your mother for me...
        Miles: Okay! He was gonna kill you!
        RJ Berger: How did you do that?!
        Cousin Vinny: RJ, he's a hater. Haters are just insecure. Real bro NEVER let it come to blows.

      • Cousin Vinny: (Watching RJ and Miles struggle to lift weights in the gym.) Oh! The G stands for gym, not Gordita!

      • Cousin Vinny: Alright, I'll catch you pinheads later, I gotta go GTL.
        RJ Berger: GTL...?
        Cousin Vinny: GTL... Gym, Tan, Laundry? Wait, whata you think, this just happens? (Gestures down his body.) You guys gotta keep everything fresh, all the time. You gotta make it so even YOU, wanna hook up with you. Capiche?
        Miles: Vinny, we're beggin' ya... Teach us! Okay? Look at us! We need you!
        Cousin Vinny: Well... I can't argue with that...
        RJ Berger: Uh... Vin... No offense... Miles!
        Miles: What, are you kidding me?! All week long you've been b*tching and moaning about this date! THIS is our answer...

      • Miles: (Whispering to RJ.) Hey! Your cousin is the dopest! Every girl he meets, wants to open her meat wallet for him! Ah! He could be our Obiwan Kenookienobi!
        Cousin Vinny: Suzanne Does Albany? They gotta whole box of these things!
        RJ Berger: And yet not one of my childhood...
        Cousin Vinny: UGH!!! These two are stuck together!

      • Cousin Vinny: (After finding a porn video of RJ's mom.) Suzanne Does Scarsdale...? RJ are you kidding me? Your parents are friggin' nuts!

      • Jenny Swanson: Hey Robin, can I talk to you for a second? (The other cheerleaders give her a dirty look, and Robin rolls her eyes as they walk a few feet away.) Umm, listen... I know everyone thinks that we hate each other because of Max, but I really want to work this out... I mean, we've been friends forever Robin...
        Robin Pretnar: I couldn't agree more Jenny, let's work it out. Max, is MINE now. Which makes ME, the new queen of Pinkerton High, and makes YOU, old news. That work out for you? See you at practice! (She says snidely as she waves and walks away.)

      • Max Owens: Big Bang Theory thinks he can take my Jenny... To the Lasagna Farm... My favorite restaurant...
        Patterson: Forget Jenny man! You got Robin now. You could have any girl you want.
        Max Owens: Any girl!
        Patterson: Hell yeah!
        Max Owens: But there's no way I'm lettin' that freak bone down with my sloppy seconds! Or my dirty thirds! Or my filthy fourths!
        Patterson: So what'ya gonna do?
        Max Owens: I'm gonna show that freak how a man takes care of business!
        Patterson: Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about! Wait, wait... What are you talkin' about?
        Max Owens: He wants to take my girl, to my favorite restaurant... Fine... I'll make it a night he never forgets. PSHEW!!!

      • Cousin Vinny: So, RJ, you ever end up making your move with that girl today, or what?
        RJ Berger: (Looking confused.) We... talked about that this morning...
        Cousin Vinny: Ladies like a man of action. Which one is she?
        RJ Berger: (Pointing to Jenny.) She's... over there...
        Cousin Vinny: Whoa, RJ, are you serious?! If I was still in high school, I'd be pounding that chick out tonight!
        RJ Berger: Well, uh... I'm not as cool as you are, so...
        Cousin Vinny: I told you, it's about confidence! Not this. (Gestures down his body.) So what are you waiting for?
        RJ Berger: You mean, now?
        Cousin Vinny: Hey! (Honks the horn.) Blondie! PSST!!!
        Jenny Swanson: Uh... RJ? Hi...
        RJ Berger: Hey...
        Jenny Swanson: Nice car...
        RJ Berger: Thank you... Uh... Look, Jenny, I really like you... And... I'd love to take you out... Just you and me...
        Jenny Swanson: RJ...
        RJ Berger: No no no... It's... It's no big deal... (He starts to buckle up while Jenny hesitantly turns away.)
        Jenny Swanson: Wait... I'd love to.
        RJ Berger: (Looking shocked.) Really?! Lasagna Farm, you and me, dinner?
        Jenny Swanson: Oh my God! I love their Endless Breadsticks!
        RJ Berger: (Nodding.) Tomorrow night.
        Jenny Swanson: (Smiling and wringing her hands.) Okay...

      • RJ Berger: You know, my Cousin Vinny says that I should be more direct, that I should just ask Jenny out.
        Miles: Your Cousin Vinny sounds like a tool. (Sees a guy in the parking lot with every girl in school staring at him and his Camaro.) Whoa, who's that?!
        RJ Berger: That's Cousin Vinny...
        Miles: That poonani whisperer is your Cousin?! (Rushes over to Vinny's car.) Dude, do you literally have a poon magnet under the hood of this car?!
        Lily: Keep your panties on Miles, Vinny, is spoken for... (Leans in close to Vinny.) Looks like we've BOTH moved on RJ!
        Cousin Vinny: Uh, we gotta roll out... But maybe we can hook up later Lucy.
        Lily: It's Lily... And trust me, if we DO hook up later, I will MAKE YOU remember it. (She says in a sultry voice, again moving in too close to Vinny.)
        Cousin Vinny: WHOA! Okay sweetheart... (Moves away from her to get in the car.)
        RJ Berger: Shotgun!!!

      • RJ's Dad (Rick): (After throwing open the curtains in his cheap hotel room and RJ has a coughing fit.) Oh! Sorry! Sorry about that son. It's mostly dust mites and hooker hair... A fresh start!

      • RJ's Dad (Rick): (After RJ says he's come to talk to his dad about relationship advice.) Jenny can sure wear a sweater... Girls like that, nothin' but trouble...
        RJ Berger: But... She's my dream girl...
        RJ's Dad (Rick): RJ... Your mom was my Jenny Swanson. And I put that princess on a pedestal... And it landed me here in a... whore hotel...
        RJ Berger: Dad, no offense... But I think the lying landed you here...
        RJ's Dad (Rick): I lied, because 'dream girls' expect things. Money, right? Houses. 'Honesty' Now you can't mess up with a 'dream girl'. Trust me, they will eat you alive... and leave you a husk of a man...
        RJ Berger: So what do I do...?
        RJ's Dad: Do you know, who's the happiest couples I've ever seen...?
        RJ Berger: Grandpa Aaron and Grandma Alice...
        RJ's Dad (Rick): No no no no no... Homeless people... You know why? Because they have nothing. Else. In the world... And it works! Aim low son... Aim REALLY low...

      • RJ Berger: (Completely unsure of what to make of the lowly conditions of the hotel his dad is staying in.) Wow... I mean... this is, uh... And this... (Gesturing to his father's bathrobe, which he's wearing backwards.)
        RJ's Dad (Rick): Oh this, this yes! It's my bathrobe! I'm wearing it backwards. It's like the comfort of a Snuggie, without the cost... Ehh? Come on, come on in!

      • RJ's Dad (Rick): (After answering the door and being delighted that it's RJ.) Oh! RJ, RJ, son!
        RJ Berger: (While struggling to breath from his father's overzealous hug.) Dad, you're suffocating me!
        RJ's Dad (Rick): That's what everyone I love says!

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (Walking in on RJ and Cousin Vinny while they're getting dressed and talking.) Bathroom party with my boys! Ha ha! See, tight quarters, kinda fun, kinda fun! (Noticing Vinny's abs.) Look at this! It's like a cheese grater made out of meat. Ha ha!
        Cousin Vinny: Aunt Suzanne, you're friggin' pazzo, I love it!
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): And you my friend, are a tan xylophone! Look, RJ, get in on this! (Begins to play an imaginary beat on Vinny's abs, which they both begin to dance to.)
        Cousin Vinny: Oh ok! Aunt Suzanne, pump it up! Pump, pump, pump that fist! (They both begin to pump their fists in the air to the imaginary music, chanting 'Pump it, pump it up, pump it out'.) Come on RJ!
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (Still dancing and pumping her fists in the air.) Pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it RJ! Pump, pump that first RJ!
        RJ Berger: (RJ hesitates a moment before reluctantly beginning to pump his fist in the air, which he does for only a few seconds.) Pump... Alright guys, you keep pumping it, I'm gonna go see dad before school.
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (She immediately stops dancing.) Fine... You want some lies with your morning coffee...?
        RJ Berger: Mom... Come on...
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne) : Alright honey... Just remember to ask him if he has $80,000 and a time machine.

      • Cousin Vinny: (When RJ is explaining why he hasn't asked Jenny out due to a difference in popularity.) RJ, look at me... You wanna hunt big game, you only need ONE weapon... Confidence. You don't gotta be a gorilla, but you gotta be aggressive. You wanna date this girl?
        RJ Berger: More than anything...
        Cousin Vinny: Then ask her out. She says no, fine, whatever... But if she says yes... You gotta go for it. I'm talkin' someplace classy... Someplace like... Lasagna Farm...
        RJ Berger: : That is a hell of a restaurant...
        Cousin Vinny: Bro, they got like, Endless Breadsticks... It's incredible.

      • RJ Berger: (Watching Cousin Vinny go through his elaborate morning grooming.) Got like a hot date or something?
        Cousin Vinny: Not yet... But it's all about lookin' mint, know what I mean?
        RJ Berger: Not even remotely...

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (While trying to cheer RJ up about the move and divorce.) But hey, Cousin Vinny's here to help us move!
        Cousin Vinny: Oooh, Aunt Suzanne, where you want these, my friggin' biceps are killin' me!

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (Speaking to RJ about the divorce.) Listen honey, one day, you're gonna realize this is all for the best...
        RJ Berger: (Choking up.) I don't even know what this is, mom, alright...? One minute you and dad are practically doing it in front of me on the dinner table... Now we're HERE, and you're making dad stay in some sleazebag motel on the interstate...
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): RJ, you're a man now, so I'm gonna level with you. (Looks startled as RJ pulls out a pair of fur lined handcuffs.) Oh! Uh... Whoopsy daisy, wrong bedroom, ok... (Takes the cuffs and puts them back in the box, which she moves off to the side.) Anywho, funny story... Apparently daddy was laid off... Two years ago... Yeah! And since he didn't tell me, or you, or anyone... We went through our entire... life savings... So that happened... And now we're broke...
        RJ Berger: Wow...
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Yeah, wow... We lost the house... And wow... I dumped your daddy... But we're movin' on, right?! Think of it like a vacation, from everything we used to love...

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (After seeing RJ staring at Jenny Swanson's picture.) What's that, another episode of I dream of Jenny?
        RJ Berger: Yeah, somethin' like that...

      • RJ Berger: RJ's opening monologue, while staring at a picture of Jenny.) After years of dreaming about Jenny Swanson, I finally got a chance to make my move... Unfortunately, the only move I'm making is into my mom's new apartment... Without my dad... (After discussing the reason that she's leaving his dad with his mom, and Cousin Vinny saying his biceps are friggin' killing him from moving boxes.) My name is RJ Berger, and this divorce is friggin' killing me...

    • NOTES (5)

    • ALLUSIONS (5)

      • Cousin Vinny: Whoa! Maintain legal inches sweetheart. But look me up in a few years... LWoww...

        LWoww is a direct allusion to JWoww, who is a star of MTV's reality series, Jersey Shore, which is a sister series to The Hard Times of RJ Berger. Cousin Vinny, played by Vinny Guadagnino, is also a star of the series. The show has aired since 2009.

      • Miles: (Whispering to RJ.) Hey! Your cousin is the dopest! Every girl he meets, wants to open her meat wallet for him! Ah! He could be our Obiwan Kenookienobi!

        Obiwan Kenobi is a character from the staggeringly popular Star Wars franchise, created by George Lucas. Kenobi began Lukes training in the ways of the Force, much like Miles hopes that Cousin Vinny might train them in how to make every woman want them.

      • Max Owens: Big Bang Theory thinks he can take my Jenny... To the Lasagna Farm... My favorite restaurant...

        Max calling RJ Big Bang Theory alludes to the hit sitcom that's been running since 2007. In the show, a science nerd played by Jared Galecki, who looks a great deal like Paul Iacono (RJ), is in love with and persues the hot girl played by Kaley Cuoco, who is again very similar to Amber Lancaster (Jenny).

      • Cousin Vinny: Then ask her out. She says no, fine, whatever... But if she says yes... You gotta go for it. I'm talkin' someplace classy... Someplace like... Lasagna Farm...
        RJ Berger: : That is a hell of a restaurant...
        Cousin Vinny: Bro, they got like, Endless Breadsticks... It's incredible.

        Their mention and use of Lasagna Farm is all but a direct reference to the popular restaurant Olive Garden. One of their main attractions is their Endless Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks. Even the interior they use in the show is similar, as is the music and the sign.

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): What's that, another episode of I dream of Jenny?

        This quote alludes to, and is a play on words of, the episodic television series I Dream of Jeannie, which ran from 1965 to 1970. The show was about a real life Genie who came into the possession of an astronaut who became her master, and later her husband.