The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Season 1 Episode 11

Lily Pad

Aired Sunday 11:00 PM Aug 16, 2010 on MTV - Music Television



  • Trivia

    • The note that Lily leaves for RJ in his locker at time stamp 12:02 has a key attached inside a heart drawing and reads:

      You have the key to my heart (and my holes) "The Happiest girl in the world"

  • Quotes

    • (RJ's closing monologue, right after Lily gets hit by the bus.)
      RJ Berger: My name is RJ Berger, and OH... MY... GOD...

    • Lily: Hey there handsome. How's your last full day of virginity feel?
      RJ Berger: Uh, you know, about the same...
      Lily: The same?! I've been through three pairs of panties TODAY... (RJ stares at her completely blankly.) I'm just kidding, God...
      RJ Berger: Umm, Lily, there's something I really wanna talk to you about...
      Lily: Wait, me first... Okay, so, I know I come on a little strong sometimes but it's just... I don't know what it is about you RJ Berger... I mean, every since we were little kids, even before I knew how smart you were, and how funny, and sweet you could be... Even before I knew about your... (Glances downward.) gift... For some reason, I always had this feeling that you were... The one... That... we would lose our virginity to each other... So I just need to say it one more time... (Kisses him on the cheek.) You've made me the happiest girl in the world... (Turns and starts to walk away.)
      RJ Berger: Lily, wait... There's something I need to talk to you about...
      Lily: What is it my love? (The bus slams into her at full speed.)

    • RJ Berger: (While trying to make up an excuse about why he and Miles were fighting.) Like I said coach, we were practicing wrestling moves.
      Coach Sinclair: Mhmm... You expect me to believe that crap? First off, I've never seen one of you two cream puffs break a sweat. And second, that wasn't wrestling. That was two lady dogs fighting to sniff each other's ass. Now I wanna know the truth dammit, and I wanna know it now!
      RJ Berger: Well, I sort of agreed to go with two people to the Winter Formal...
      Coach Sinclair: (Pointing at Miles.) That better not be one of them.
      RJ Berger: What? No! No coach, I asked my friend Lily, umm, Lily Miran, she's umm...
      Coach Sinclair: Yeah yeah yeah, the one that looks like one of them Klingons from Star Wars...
      RJ Berger and Miles: (In unison.) Star Trek...
      Coach Sinclair: I don't give a damn!
      RJ Berger: So, I asked her... But then Jenny Swanson asked me to go with her. (Coach raises his eyes in surprise.) I mean, as a friend... Jenny's been my dream girl since like... 3rd grade. (Again in unison with Miles.) And I have to go with her... But if I do, it'll crush Lily... AndMax will crush me if I go with Jenny. See what I mean...?
      Coach Sinclair: Yeah I see... Yeah I see loud and clear... (Long pause.) Now you listen here Berger, and you listen good... Max is gonna kick your ass no matter what you do... And the little Star Wars girl is gonna keep them ankles in the air no matter who you go with... But missin' out on takin' Jenny Swanson to the Formal...? That's some stuff you gonna take to your grave son...
      Miles: Finally, a voice of reason.
      RJ Berger: But isn't that the wrong thing to do?
      Coach Sinclair: To losers, maybe... But you ask yourself Berger... When you look back on your sorry ass life 30 years from now, do you wanna be the loser who did the right thing?Or do you wanna be the stud who did Jenny Swanson?

    • RJ Berger: (Talking with Miles about the fact that they are taking the hottest girls in school to the dance, but still worried about the fact that he asked Lily first.) I don't know what to do about Lily...
      Miles: Oh, just do what I've always done... Avoid looking directly at her... (Shivers.)
      RJ Berger: Dude! I'm talking about the dance! I mean, agh, there's no way around it... I mean I, I have to take her instead of Jenny, I asked her first...
      Miles: (While doing their warm ups before gym.) Hold on, lemme finish stretching... Okay RJ, I'm doing this for your own good... (Full body tackles RJ to the ground.) If you don't take Jenny Swanson to the Winter Formal, you will take that mistake to your grave! You hear me?! Your shallow, empty grave!!! (Let's RJ up as the coach intervenes.)

    • Max Owens: (After seeing RJ andJenny talking in the hallway and hugging.) What were you talking to her about freak?!
      RJ Berger: Uh... Science stuff...
      Max Owens: If you EVER, go near her again with anything other than a BOOK in your hand, I'll stab you in your frickin' juggler vein. Got it?
      RJ Berger: It's jug-u-LAR... (Long pause while Max stares daggers into RJ's eyes.) Got it...
      Max Owens: Pshew!!!

    • Jenny Swanson: (Having just asked RJ to take her to the formal, to which he readily agreed.) Pick me up at 8?
      RJ Berger: 8 would be great... Won't be late... (Rolls his eyes at the lame rhyme.)
      Jenny Swanson: Thanks RJ... This really means a lot... And I promise we'll have fun.

    • Jenny Swanson: Listen RJ, I have umm... I have a favor to ask you... The whole world's about to find out that umm... Max andI are done... For good this time...
      RJ Berger: Wow... uh I'm, I'm so sorry... I, I'm really sorry...
      Jenny Swanson: Um so... um anyways, I was wondering, before twenty of his douchebag friends ask me to the formal... if maybe... you might... be willing... to maybe, go with me? As a friend...?
      RJ Berger: I would be honored to, m'lady... (Big smile.)

    • RJ Berger: (After finding out Miles is taking Robin Pretnar to the dance.) Dude! Our first ever double date! (Holds out his hand for a high five.)
      Miles: Oh! Yeah! Yeah, about that, umm... I don't think Robin's the type of girl who wants to share a limo with the likes ofLily...
      RJ Berger: Not cool dude...
      Miles: Exactly RJ! Lily is not cool enough to be seen with my girl.
      RJ Berger: Alright, listen *sshole, I don't know what kind of spell or date rape drug you used on Robin Pretnar, but while you're obsessively trying to hide your pit stains, I'll be having fun with my sure thing.
      Miles: Yeah, thing being the operative word.
      RJ Berger: You suck Miles! (He turns away from Miles in disgust, and Miles does the same thing.)

    • RJ Berger: (After Miles tells him that he's going to the Winter Formal with Robin Pretnar.) REALLY?!
      Miles: Yeah! So choke on that animal lover!
      RJ Berger: What is she dying or something?
      Miles: I don't know! I guess she just couldn't resist a man in a tux.
      RJ Berger: Oh my God! (Pauses and stares at Miles a moment.) Dude... you have pudding on your... (Gestures to Miles' stomach.)
      Miles: (Looking down at the pudding stain.) Oh, totally cool dude. That's what the cummerbund is for. (Pulls the cummerbund up over the stain on his belly.)

    • Lily: Okay, you wanna see a rough sketch of my dress?
      RJ Berger: Isn't that like bad luck or something?
      Lily: This isn't our wedding... I mean not yet... Don't worry, I'm stitching in easy access slots all over... (Shows him a drawing of her in a dress with panels on both breasts and one over the crotch.) I can tell you're getting nervous about the big night, but relax, I'll take care of everything. The music, the candles, the lube... (She looks at RJ lasciviously.)
      RJ Berger: Alright, well I gotta get to class now...
      Lily: Okay...
      (RJ witnesses Jenny break up with Max Owens.)
      Lily: RJ... One more thing... Saturday night... I need you to promise me that this is really gonna happen...
      RJ Berger: (Smiles and nods.) I promise Lily... (Lily beams and runs off with a smile on her face.)

    • Miles: (Approaching Robin in a tuxedo and clearing his throat.) Robin Pretnar, I come to you today wearing blue... The color of my heart and my balls. (Lowers himself to one knee.) But you can change all that, by agreeing to take this relationship to the next level. Look, we've had our first kiss, and we've had our first fight. You know, I've touched boob, and you've grazed nut... So what do you say Robin Pretnar, will you go with me to the Winter Formal?
      Robin: What the hell?! I'm tired of attractive guys who wouldn't flatten me during sex. Pick my up at my house, Saturday.
      Miles: Oh my God! I'm taking Robin Pretnar to the Winter Formal!!! (Does a victory dance.)

    • Miles: I still can't believe you invited mini-Chewbacca to the Winter Formal. (Makes the Chewbacca noise.) Rrrrrrrr!
      RJ Berger: Dude, you're not going to make me change my mind. In fact, I'm starting to think it's destiny... According to Lily, she's the only one who can handle my freak piece anyway... (The tailor jerks his head up with a surprised snort.)
      Miles: All I'm saying is, good luck getting through that overgrown crotch jungle. Hey, you might need to hire a Shirpa to help guide you in.
      RJ Berger: You know, screw you Miles! At least I have a date. And you know, while I'm off becoming a man, you'll be at home, playing Good Day Sunshine on expert. Alone...
      Miles: Oh ho ho ho, not so fast my suddenly prickish friend. You see, I'm not done asking girls out. I've gotten my 99 slaps, and I'm goin' big game huntin' for number 100...
      RJ Berger: Uh huh, and who's the lucky girl?
      Miles: For me RJ, I'm going for the long shot of all long shots...

    • Lily: (After RJ asks her to thje dance.) RJ Berger, you've just made me the happiest girl in the world! (Throws her arms around him.)

    • RJ Berger: (After not being able to find a date for the dance.) I was thinking about... maybe going with the one girl who's been lusting after my dong the whole time...
      Miles: Oh God! Don't even say it!
      RJ Berger: Miles, I know we make fun of her, but she's been our best friend since as long as I can remember... I mean, in some ways, she's already the first girl I've ever slept with... In pre-school, we were nap partners... In grade school, whenever I wouldn't get picked for teams at recess, which was pretty much every day, Lily was always there to play with me... Things only started to get weird when we hit puberty... But the fact is, when the chips are down, you two are the only real friends I can count on...
      Miles: I'm begging you dude, don't do it! You deserve better bro... I'm lookin' out for you!

    • Miles: (When neither he nor RJ manage to get dates for the dance.) We may have to go Plan B dude... Who do you wanna try first, 8th graders or pregnant juniors?

    • (RJ's rejection.)

      RJ Berger
      : Yeah, you know, it's, it's like that scene in Madea Goes To Jail... When Madea's all; "Oooh girl, you needa get yourself a date to the dance." I was, that's sort of what I wanted to ask you...
      (The girl hauls off and slaps RJ across the face.)

    • (Miles' rejections.)

      Miles: (Asking a heavily made up Goth girl.) Let's be honest. You didn't get that tongue pierced for nothin' right?
      Goth Girl: Hisssssss! (Makes a cross of her fingers.)

      Miles: (Asking a deaf girl, and shouting while he speaks.) Most guys, wouldn't be caught dead, with a deaf girl, but hey, I'm not most guys.
      Deaf Girl: (In sign language.) Go f**k yourself you fat tranny!

      Miles: (Asking a very butch lesbian.) Hey, you know what my favorite color is? Rainbow. Ever thought about pitching a no hitter for the other team?
      (The girl smacks her fist in her palm and cracks her knuckles.)

    • Miles: Coach, what's the quickest way to get dates to the Winter Formal?
      Coach Sinclair: I don't know, how much you willing to shell out?
      RJ Berger: For what?
      Coach Sinclair: Oh! Oh, you mean for real dates? Well, well uh... You got your 99 slaps yet?
      Miles: Our what?
      Coach Sinclair: Your 99... (Trails off.) The drunk guy at the bar asks a hundred women to have sex with him right? Now 99 of 'em are gonna slap his drunk ass... But there's always that one horny dime, that's gonna follow him into the men's room... It's a numbers game. All you gotta do is ask enough girls, you're bound to find one that'll say yes. Right?
      Miles: Yeah...
      Coach Sinclair: Right. Now move your asses. Time to climb some rope and get some callouses on them girly hands.

    • Kevin Stern: (Bragging about the sex he'll be having after the Winter Formal.) You heard me losers. I'ma get some bite marks on my hang low Saturday.
      Miles: (Laughing.) Kevin, assuming you're even capable of getting a boner after sitting on your balls for ten years, what girl in her right mind would point her heels to the sky for your disgusting doorbell penis?
      Kevin Stern: Say whatever you want *sshole, but I've got raw data on my side.
      RJ Berger: What does that mean...?
      Kevin Stern: Fact! 43% of all high school girls lose their virginity at school sponsored dances. You wanna know the percentage of high school boys who lose their virginities staying home playing Rock Band? You two... To each other! I'm saying this as your friend, guys... You should really look into killing yourselves... (Rides off smugly.)

    • Robin: So, plans for after?
      Jenny Swanson: Well, I'm not really sure what Max has planned for after the dance, but I'm sure it'll be something romantic.
      Max Owens: (To his friends while waving to Jenny.) Bro, I'ma get her so drunk she's not gonna care where it ends up. (Laughs.)

    • (RJ's opening monologue, after Lily almost gets run over by the bus and Miles is forced to walk to school.)
      RJ Berger: My name is RJ Berger, and taking the bus SUCKS.

    • Miles: (After the bus nearly runs Lily over.) HEY!!! What the hell Roger?!
      Roger: I'm sorry ass napkin, the school won't pay to fix the breaks on this yellow turd!
      RJ Berger: Come on dude! You expect us to believe that?!
      Roger: For real homes! Budget cuts!
      Miles: God, crazy man! (Starts to get on the bus but has to stop as Roger closes the doors.) HEY! What the hell?!
      Roger: It's called walkin' to school, fatty! HA HA HA!!!

    • Miles: (Sniffing.) Oh my God... Is that... peanut oil and burnt hair?
      Lily: It's perfume lard ass, I wear it on special occasions...
      RJ Berger: What's the special occasion?
      Lily: Well, I was hoping someone would sack up and ask me to the Winter Formal... Especially since I'm offering my date a hundred percent guarenteed, no strings attached, porn quality sex... But I can't keep this offer open all day RJ...
      Miles: What are you, the ShamWow guy?
      Lily: Well Raven already asked me, and he's waiting for his answer.
      RJ Berger: Well, I won't keep you in suspense Lily... My answer is LOOK OUT!!! (He breaks off as the bus almost runs Lily over.)

  • Notes

    • Audience - 1,143,000

    • Also Known As:

      Hard Times - USA (working title)
      Hard Times - Tempi duri per RJ Berger - Italy
      RJ Berger - Hard kor - Hungary
      Tiempos duros para RJ Berger- Spain

    • Music:

      Val Emmich - Next To Me
      The Waking Hours - Spark
      General Fiasco - We Are The Foolish
      Colorsound - Top Of The World
      Hot Streets - Complicated
      The Beatards - Don't Step On My Sneakers
      The Ruiners - Love/Hate (Eat Me Alive)
      Sink To See - Realize
      Val Emmich - Grown Up Man
      16 Frames - All In
      Wil Seabrook - Happily Ever
      A Silent Film - Aurora
      And Then There Were Two - Clash
      Venus Infers - Like Warm Coca-Cola

    • Distributers - MTV Networks US, MTV Hungary

    • Production Companies - MTV/Remote Productions

  • Allusions

    • Coach Sinclair: (Talking about Lily.) Yeah yeah yeah, the one that looks like one of them Klingons from Star Wars...
      RJ Berger and Miles: (In unison.) Star Trek...

      Star Wars is one of the world's most successful and beloved franchises, created by George Lucas as an epic space opera.

      Star Trek is another of the world's most successful and beloved franshises, and was created by Gene Roddenberry. Also set as an epic space adventure, one of the main alien races that appears often in the franchise are the Klingons. Klingons are known for being expert combatants and warriors, and are easily recognized because of the distinct forehead ridges and thick hair.

    • RJ Berger: You know, screw you Miles! At least I have a date. And you know, while I'm off becoming a man, you'll be at home, playing Good Day Sunshine on expert. Alone...

      Good Day Sunshine is a popular song done byThe Beatles, and from their 1966 album Revolver.

    • Miles: I still can't believe you invited mini-Chewbacca to the Winter Formal. (Makes the Chewbacca noise.) Rrrrrrrr!

      Chewbacca is a HUGELY popular character in the Star Wars franchise, created by George Lucas and played by actor Peter Mayhew.

    • RJ Berger: Yeah, you know, it's, it's like that scene in Madea Goes To Jail... When Madea's all; "Oooh girl, you needa get yourself a date to the dance." I was, that's sort of what I wanted to ask you...

      Madea Goes To Jail is one of the hit films in the widely successful Madea franchise, which is made by and stars Tyler Perry, who plays the hilariously sage matron Madea in full drag.

    • Miles: (About the school dance.) That's why we're gonna blow it off. We're going to order pizza, and play Beatles Rock Band until our fingers bleed!

      Beatles Rock Band refers to a wildly successful video game, also published by MTV, that centers around the English rock band, The Beatles. In the game, players simulate playing in a band using controllers shaped like musical instruments.

    • Coach Sinclair: (To RJ and Miles.) Laverne, Shirley, let's go!

      Laverne and Shirley refers to a sitcom that ran from 1959 to 1967 and starred Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams as two best friends and roomates who lived together and worked together.

    • Miles: (To Lily's statement that she couldn't keep her offer open all day.) What are you the ShamWow guy?

      This alludes to a man named Offer "Vince" Shlomi, who advertised for and sold a super absorbent cleaningproduct that was called the ShamWow. Subsequently, he became known as the ShamWow Guy, and often said during the commercials and infomercials that he couldn't keep their special offers open all day.