The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Season 2 Episode 1

RJ's Choice

Aired Sunday 11:00 PM Mar 24, 2011 on MTV - Music Television
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Episode Summary

RJ feels confused over what happend at the hospital and with his feelings for Jenny.

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    Chihye Chung

    Chihye Chung


    Guest Star

    Arif Yasin Ayan

    Arif Yasin Ayan


    Guest Star

    Kristen Clement

    Kristen Clement

    Smiling Cleavage Girl

    Guest Star

    Adam Cagley

    Adam Cagley

    Kevin Stern

    Recurring Role

    Ciena Rae

    Ciena Rae

    Robin Pretnar

    Recurring Role

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (25)

      • (RJ's closing monologue, after finding out that his parents are getting divorice just moments after hoping that this semester wouldn't be one big crap sandwich.)
        RJ Berger: My name is RJ Berger, and nope... I was right... Crap sandwich...

      • RJ Berger: (Talking to his pet frog.) Mark my words Wolverine, this semester is ALL about Jenny Swanson. Maybe life won't be one big crap sandwich after all.

      • RJ Berger: (Hearing a knock on his bedroom door.) Come in!
        RJ's Dad (Rick): We need to talk...
        RJ Berger: I, I do too... I know I don't... give you guys credit for being my most stable source of relationship advise...
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (Holds up her hands to stop him.) RJ...
        RJ Berger: But... You guys have been amazing... You were both REALLY there for me, and I just, wanna say thank you...
        RJ's Dad (Rick): (Hesitantly.) RJ, uh... Mommy and I are separating...
        RJ Berger: What...?
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): We're getting a divorce RJ...

      • Miles: (Waddling along in the fat suit.) Well, looks like the start of another sh*tty semester...
        RJ Berger: (Watching Lily limp away.) I hope she's okay...
        Miles: She's okay?! She went King Kong in there and practically brained you with one of her gimp sticks!!!
        RJ Berger: And I deserved it!
        Miles: Look, you can't worry about Lily... She's more machine now than man... The only thing you need to worry about is getting up in Jenny's guts. (Tries to make a humping motion, which causes his balls to ache where Max smashed into him.) OWWW!!!
        Max Owens: (Driving up beside them.) Hey! Black eye and black sack... (Laughs wickedly.) There's more comin' tomorrow. (Drives away.)
        Miles: Face it... Chance of scoring with Jenny is about the only thing you got goin' for you right now...
        RJ Berger: (Smiling.) It's enough...
        Miles: (Smiling back.) Yeah...

      • Max Owens: (After Miles knocks him across the rink.) This is bullcrap! He's used to being fat! (Laughs.)
        Miles: (While pummeling Max against the ropes.) Payback time!!! (I got somethin' for you... (Propels himself off the ropes to smash into Max, but the coach trips him.)
        Max Owens: Paybacks are a B*TCH!!! (Slams Miles into the mat.) BOOM!!! Max Owens, KILL SHOT!!!

      • RJ Berger: We need to talk... Next to Miles, you are my best, and oldest friend... I'll always be so happy we lost... our virginity together... And I care about you so much... And I know you're thinking that, I'm gonna be your boyfriend now... But... That night... I went to the dance... with Jenny...
        Lily: You heartless, shallow... (Tears start to form.)
        RJ Berger: I'm doing this, okay? I have to take my shot with Jenny... We kissed that night...
        Lily: (Tears flow down her face.) You kissed her?! (She starts to hobble away, and then she turns and cracks RJ across the face with the end of one of her crutches, knocking him to the ground. She goes berserk, smashing up the booths and items set up for the fund raiser, and then turns to face RJ, sobbing.) You're dead to me RJ Berger!!! See if YOU like how it feels! (Referring to the night she died in the hospital.)

      • Coach Sinclair: Pinkerton High, it's time for the main event! In the red corner, my main man and yours... Max... Owens!!!
        Max Owens: Tighten it up baby.
        Robin Pretnar: (Adjusting the straps on the back of Max's fat suit.) Don't embarrass me out there.
        Max Owens: I don't embarrass people, I annihilate...
        Coach Sinclair: And in the blue corner... Max's victim... Miles... (Trails off, not knowing Miles' last name.)
        Miles: (Rolling his eyes.) Jenner...
        Coach Sinclair: Jenner!
        Max Owens: Hey coach? Is he wearin' a suit or not? I can't tell. (Laughing with most of the gym.)
        Miles: Ha ha ha! (Sarcastically.) It's funny cuz I'm fat!
        Coach Sinclair: Let the ass whoopin', begin!

      • Lily: RJ Berger is my boyfriend, and Miles gets his ass kicked... There is a God!
        RJ Berger: Lily,I REALLY need to talk...
        Lily: Not now lover... Just remember later, I have my own Lily aid, but it pours out reaaaaal slow... (She says lasciviously.)

      • Coach Sinclair: What the hell is this?! (Takes a sip of the lemonade they're selling for Lily's medical bills, and then spits it right out.)
        RJ Berger: We're raising money for Lily...
        Coach Sinclair: You've got a better chance at raising money for Haitian orphans at a Klan Rally! Besides, ain't that girl dead anyway?
        Lily: I'm Lily...
        Coach Sinclair: Oh... Yeah... Yeah... That bus really did a number on your face huh...?
        Lily: My face is the same...

      • RJ Berger: And then she just kissed me! I mean, it was... Incredible! It was in front of everyone!
        Miles: This is huge! When I get popular, I'm gonna rule with an iron fist.
        RJ Berger: What about Lily?!
        Miles: What about Lil...? You're gonna head right up to that walking erector set, and you're gonna say, "We're through, I'm on to pinker pastures."
        RJ Berger: I'd be stupid not to, right?
        Miles: Uh, yeah!

      • Max Owens: (Blocking the space between desks with his foot, which irritates Jenny.) Testy testy! Looks like someone misses her little Maxi-pad...
        Jenny Swanson: Just leave me alone Max...
        Max Owens: Ooooh, jealous?
        Jenny Swanson: No I'm not jealous! I just don't want anything to do with you.
        Max Owens: I think you're realizing what a huge mistake you made, but I'm not, cuz Robin's a huge upgrade... And guess what...? She didn't make me wait for everything to be perfect, like someone I know... She spread faster than melted butter...
        Jenny Swanson: You think you're cool just because you can get laid? Guess what? I can get laid by anybody I want.
        Max Owens: Do whatever you want babe. It ain't gonna bother me.
        Jenny Swanson: (Looking smug.) Oh yeah?
        Max Owens: Yeah.
        (Jenny walks straight over to RJ and lays a HUGE kiss on him, infuriating Max, who storms off.)

      • Max Owens: (Shoving Miles.) Alright fatty, it's high noon!
        Miles: (Looking genuinely confused.) Wait... It's only 10:30...
        Max Owens: Don't get all mathy on me! It's time for you to get your ass turned inside out by my FISTS!
        Miles: (Looks disgusted by the poor choice of words.) What...? (Falls to the ground as Max decks him hard in the face.)
        Max Owens: PSHEW!!!
        Coach Sinclair: Hey G*d dammit!
        Miles: Coach, thank God...
        Coach Sinclair: What the hell you doin' boy?!
        Max Owens: What...?
        Coach Sinclair: You my stallion! I can't have my stallion missin' practice in detention for beatin' the diarrhea outta some nobody!
        Max Owens: He punched me in the balls at the dance Coach! He deserves it!
        Coach Sinclair: Son, we all done got our nuts busted a dance... You want some fatty payback?
        Max Owens: Yeah!
        Coach Sinclair: Good, don't do it here, do it in the ring. For charity.
        Miles: Huh...?
        Coach Sinclair: It's sumo wrestlin'... You get in the ring in a giant fat suit, and you fight. It's violence, but it's funny. So everybody think it's okay. (Ordering Miles.) Sign up!

      • RJ Berger: (Indignant.) Raising money for the bus, but NOT the girl that it hit...
        Miles: Face it RJ... Lily... Kinda sucks...
        Lily: This is so romantic...
        RJ Berger: Hey... It's Lily! (He trails off awkwardly.)

      • Miles: (Looking at RJ's sketch.) Lily Aid...
        RJ Berger: I'm gonna crash their stupid bus fund raiser and raise my own funds for Lily's medical bills.
        Miles: You're trying to get in her clam!
        RJ Berger: No! I've already been there, so...
        Miles: (Looking horrified.) Oh no, God! No, not Lily's clam... (Shudders.) Jenny's clam! Dude I get it! Making Lily Aid's the best of both worlds! You keep Lily happy, while Jenny creams in her uggs for Mr. Sensitive...
        RJ Berger: No, that, that's not it at all, actually...
        Miles: (Emphatically.) Well it should be! It's genius! You gotta cash in those nice guy points while you still can.
        RJ Berger: While I still can?
        Miles: Dude, Jenny'll NEVER buy this whole nice act from you again if she finds out about you and Lily's... (Trails off looking sick to his stomach.) Comalingus... Ugh...

      • RJ Berger: (To his parents in the car.) I just don't know what to do... Lily's great, as a friend... But she wants more, and I want something else... I, I guess I'm just, having trouble shaking the guilt...
        RJ's Dad (Rick): (Laughs.) Shake a little harder bud... You gotta make YOU happy... While you still can...
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): I think what daddy's trying to say RJ, is just, you gotta follow your heart, be true to yourself, you know? And the truth, may hurt like a b*tch slap... (Staring pointedly at Rick.) But it's better than living a lie...
        RJ Berger: Wow, that was actually really good advice...
        RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Yeah, well, I've been watching a crapload of Dr. Phil lately...
        RJ's Dad (Rick): (Laying on the horn.) Get the f*ck out of the way!!!
        RJ Berger: You guys okay?
        RJ's Dad (Rick): Yeah, yeah... (Turns up the radio.) Nothing a little smooth jazz won't fix...

      • RJ Berger: (As Max slams him up against the lockers.) Good vacation Max?!
        Max Owens: It was awesome dork! I had a Maxtastic time. Now I'm back, and I'm cooler than ever. Listen up tube steak! Cuz there's a new rule... All freaks stay away from Jenny Swanson... You the most...
        RJ Berger: But you're dating Robin Pretnar... So, how could you want Jenny back...?
        Max Owens: I don't want her back. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna let her slum it with sub-Max losers! Once you go Max, you never go backs...
        RJ Berger: That doesn't make any sense...
        Max Owens: And you tell your Pillsbury life mate butt buddy that I haven't forgotten about the dance! He's gonna get what's coming to him. A grade A ass kicking... But with my fists! PSHEW!!!

      • Coach Sinclair: (Over the school intercom.) Attention Pinkerton High! Grab your wallets cuz we're having a fund raiser to replace the bus that got broke before winter break! Friday night in the gym. Bus Drive!
        RJ Berger: Lily has a billion dollars in medical bills and can barely walk and they're gonna raise money for the BUS?! (As Jenny smiles.) What?
        Jenny Swanson: Nothing, I just, I was getting a little worried. I didn't recognize you... Until you got that whole 'RJ's gonna do something about this' look... It's one of my personal favorites... (Walks away leaving RJ smiling.)

      • Miles: (Talking about allowing Lily to keep thinking that she and RJ are dating.) Dude! Tell me you're not seriously gonna continue this!
        RJ Berger: I can't break the girl's heart twice dude, what am I gonna do?!
        Miles: (Slamming RJ against the lockers.) RJ, use that enormous package of yours for once! Nut up, and swing for the fences! Can you imagine your life, with Lily?!

        (Imagines living in a ratty trailer park, arriving home in a beat up clunker car and with Lily and himself both enormously overweight.)
        Imaginary RJ Berger: Honey, I'm home!
        Imaginary Lily: Hey there sweet ass! Hand me my butt doughnut will ya? My hemorrhoids are flaming like Taylor Lautner on Fire Island. Dammit! I think one of 'em is weeping again! Kids, get in here! Daddy's home before his second job!
        Imaginary RJ Berger: (As a herd of screaming children races towards him.) Hi...! (Gets cut off as one of the kids squirts ketchup in his face.)
        Imaginary Kid: You're it dumb dumb!
        Imaginary RJ Berger: When did we get a dog?
        Imaginary Lily: That's not a dog! I had a toilet baby this morning! You're welcome...

        Miles: (To a horrified looking RJ.) Now, imagine life, with Jenny...

        (Imagine's driving up to a huge luxury property, driving an expensive car and wearing an expensive suit.)
        Imaginary RJ Berger: Honey, I'm home!
        Imaginary Jenny Swanson: (Wearing a tiny bikini.) Hi sweetheart! I've got your martini! (Dives into the pool and swims the martini over to him.)
        Imaginary RJ Berger: You are the BEST!
        Imaginary Jenny Swanson: No, you are! Would you like a BJ now, or after you see the kids?
        Imaginary RJ Berger: Can I have both?
        Imaginary Jenny Swanson: Alright darling, but you're gonna get it for making me wait! Children, your father's home! (As cute adorable kids run up to him.) Darling, my old sorority friends decided to pay a surprise visit! Is it alright if they stay in our bed? We love to snuggle.
        Imaginary RJ Berger: Well... Okay... I guess that's alright.
        Imaginary Jenny Swanson: Yay! They can help with the BJ. Oh! Wait! The new baby's coming. (Effortlessly pops out another adorable kid.)
        Imaginary RJ Berger: Fantastic!

        Miles: (Interrupting RJ's fantasy.) See dude?! You just gotta ask yourself what you want...
        RJ Berger: It doesn't matter what I want Miles! Look, I got my one kiss with Jenny... My dream girl... And it was amazing... But Lily... She's my... Reality girl... And that's just the way it is...
        Miles: (Pretending to limp away on crutches.) Suit yourself.

      • Lily: Hey there sexy boyfriend!
        RJ Berger: Hey... Lily:
        Lily: Good news! The doctor says I'll be able to eat solids again in a day or two. But until then, I guess I'll just have to get by on a liquid diet... (Stares lasciviously at RJ.) After all, it wasn't my mouth that got broken in nine places... Peace in the Middle East! Gotta go get the pus in my knees drained. (Hobbles off.)
        RJ Berger: Bye...

      • Lily: (Coming over the hill on crutches and in casts.) Oh! Sorry I'm late bitches! It's kinda hard to walk when your pelvis is where your nipples used to be! (To RJ.) Hi baby!

      • Miles: (Watching Kevin's mother, an African American woman, sob hysterically.) Did you know Kevin was black?
        RJ Berger: (Under his breath.) He was adopted *sshole!
        Miles: Sorry!

      • Roger: (Crying uncontrollably.) That should have been me!
        Coach Sinclair: Pull yourself together, man! Damn!

      • Miles: (After passing two girls who look him up and down and smile coyly.) Dude! Do you see that?! This is gonna be the best semester ever! You know, I'm feelin' a whole new level of respect since ball beating Max!
        RJ Berger: You honestly don't think there'll be any repercussions to that?
        Miles: Whatevs... This could finally be my ticket out of virgin prison! Which, I always thought we were gonna break out of, TOGETHER!
        RJ Berger: But with girls with us, right...?
        Miles: Call me sentimental, but I always imagined us in a motel, high fiving over some freshman skank. But no! You had to go bone sleeping doody til she flatlined!
        RJ Berger: DUDE!!! SHUT UP!!! No one can know about that, especially... Jenny...
        Miles: What difference does it make?! You had your shot, and you blew it. Remember you had your tongue down the prom queen's throat, and the next minute, you're dry humping Lily's bed sores... For the rest of my life I'll never understand that...
        RJ Berger: It was the right thing to do...
        Miles: No, it was the RJ thing to do... Trust me, you stick it out with Lily cuz of guilt, you're gonna pity bang yourself into a pity marriage bro.

      • (RJ's opening monologue at the funeral.)
        RJ Berger: Everybody knows someone who's died... Some go tragically... Some heroically... And some... (Reveals the picture of Kevin Stern over the casket.) When their scooters crash through a plate glass window at a doughnut shop... Sometimes the difference between life and death, comes down to one moment... One choice... (Lily comes over the hill, moving slowly on crutches. RJ looks back and forth between Jenny and Lily.) My name is RJ Berger, and it's time I made a choice of my own...

      • (Beginning sermon at the funeral.)
        Pastor: For the Lord is my Shepard, and I, his faithful sheep. Following His mighty rod and staff, bending to His will. Eating his flesh. And as Viggo the Carpathian said in Ghostbusters 2, "Death is but a doorway, time is but a window... I'll be back." Friends, loved ones, let us all share a moment of silence for a, a young soul taken too soon...

    • NOTES (5)

    • ALLUSIONS (6)

      • RJ Berger: (Talking to his pet frog.) Mark my words Wolverine, this semester is ALL about Jenny Swanson. Maybe life won't be one big crap sandwich after all.

        Wolverine is a hugely popular comic character from Marvel, created by Len Wein and John Romita Sr. in 1974. RJ has previously been shown to name all his pets as comic characters.

      • Miles: Look, you can't worry about Lily... She's more machine now than man...

        The quote alludes to a minutely different quote from the hugely popular Star Wars series. Specifically, in Return of the Jedi, Obi Wan Kenobi, played by the incomprable Alec Guinness, stated about Darth Vader, "He's more machine now than man." Miles even used an imitation accent, similar to Guinness'.

      • Miles: She's okay?! She went King Kong in there and practically brained you with one of her gimp sticks!!!

        King Kong is a fictional giant gorilla, created by Merian C. Cooper,that has appeared in various movies and medium since 1933. He is well known to go on rampages of destruction, much like Lily did in the gym

      • RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Yeah, well, I've been watching a crapload of Dr. Phil lately...

        Dr. Phil refers both to the man, Dr. Phil McGraw, and his TV show, Dr. Phil, which has been on the air since 2002. He is a psychologist, and his show focuses on various problems and personalities, and centers around giving advice on how to deal with those issues.

      • Imaginary Lily: Hey there sweet ass! Hand me my butt doughnut will ya? My hemorrhoids are flaming like Taylor Lautner on Fire Island.

        Taylor Lautner is an actor best known for his role in the hit series of Twilight movies. Throughout his teen career, he has been plagued with gay rumours, and often called 'flaming' in his pursuit of physical perfection, when in reality, he was beefing up his physique for his role in the Twilight films.

      • Pastor: And as Viggo the Carpathian said in Ghostbusters 2, "Death is but a doorway, time is but a window... I'll be back."

        Ghostbusters II was a 1989 hit movie about the further adventures of paranormal policemen of sorts. Viggo the Carpathian, played by Wilhelm von Homburg, was a man possessed by a powerful entity, who used the line that the pastor references in his sermon.