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The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Season 1 Episode 7

Tell & Kiss

3
Aired Sunday 11:00 PM Jul 19, 2010 on MTV - Music Television
8.7
out of 10
User Rating
21 votes
1

EPISODE REVIEWS
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Episode Summary

EDIT
RJ wants to take his relationship with Claire to the next level, physically, but goes about it all the wrong way, by taking advice from all the wrong people, and by lying. Miles also pays the price for a lie.

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SUBMIT REVIEW
  • RJ and Miles lie... and it comes around to bite them!!

    10
    RJ begins to get teased by his own family that he and Claire have not had been intimate yet. His advise from Miles is to be aggressive. Claire's not interested. Some jocks tease him about it. He lies. Now RJ is worried about the lie from spreading back to Claire. Miles' advise is to make the lie come true, before it comes back to her. The coach suggest RJ cover himself in phermones to attract, aka, man-sweat from the boys locker room. Meanwhile Miles is training to fight his crush after lying about an encounter too; the crush threatened to fight him after school. Lilly "trains" him in a hilairious event of Miles totally getting beaten up. RJ finally meets Claire after disgusting the whole school with his smell(background music is a rap song "Im fresh, I'm fresh!") Claire is also disgusted. They have a talk and things finally turn out very well for RJ after they are alone in a room. RJ meets up with Miles who had been beaten up by his dream girl during an animated fight sequence. RJ turns around to be punched in the face by Claire who had heard the rumor. Miles and RJ are now laying in the middle of the school floor, learning to never lie again.moreless
Andrew Fiscella

Andrew Fiscella

Roger

Guest Star

Kristopher Higgins

Kristopher Higgins

Mario

Guest Star

Noureen DeWulf

Noureen DeWulf

Claire

Guest Star

Larry Poindexter

Larry Poindexter

Rick Berger

Recurring Role

Marlon Young

Marlon Young

Coach Jeriba Sinclair

Recurring Role

Beth Littleford

Beth Littleford

Suzanne Berger

Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (11)

    • (RJ's closing monologue, after having done his best to get a tugger from Claire, succeeding, and then having her dump him for finding out he told people about it.)
      RJ Berger: My name is RJ Berger, and sometimes you win the battle, but lose the war.

    • (During the fight between Miles and Robin.)
      RJ Berger: Shouldn't you be stopping this?!
      Lunch Lady: I would, but the fat kid spread a rumor that I use corn dogs to masturbate.

    • RJ Berger: Good day ladies and gents, the world is alive is it not!? There's a sort of merriment in the air.
      Lily: That's the sound of half the school waiting to see Miles get his ass kicked.
      Miles: She'll back out... 100% back...
      RJ Berger: Miles, I've had an epiphany...
      Lily: Holy sh*t, you busted your nut didn't you?
      RJ Berger: Indeed I did Lily. And when all that tension was released, I came to a conclusion... The world is a beautiful place...
      Miles: Yeah great... Two tugs on his wang, and he's Deepak freakin' Choprah.

    • RJ Berger: I told a coupla guys that Claire gave me a pickle tickle, and now the whole school knows.
      Lily: So she didn't strike white gold?
      RJ Berger: She hasn't even started drilling. I-I've tried everything... I mean the tricks, the ennuendos, the jokes...
      Lily: Have you tried asking her?
      RJ Berger: Asking her what?
      Lily: I swear, boys are so stupid... Listen, not that I like the idea of you and what's her name getting it on... but... Girls aren't into cutesy crap and tricks. They like it when a guy's direct.
      Miles: Exactly dude! BAM!!! (Flops his arm on the table.) That's my D piece baby, deal with it!
      Lily: No... I mean talk to her... You idiot!!!

    • Miles: Thanks for agreeing to train me... Something tells me that Robin's gonna be fighting dirty. And, well, you are the dirtiest girl I've ever met, in every conceivable way, so.
      Lily: Aww Miles, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
      Miles: Ah stop it. So, like, what are some of my, uh, like, defense options?
      Lily: Well, the good news is, you've got titanic thighs to protect your balls.
      Miles: Right...
      Lily: The bad news, you've got a lot of other wide open acreage.
      Miles: OK...
      Lily: Things to look out for. Nails.
      Miles: Oh, you think she'd stoop to scratching?
      Lily: Not scratching tubster, digging.
      Miles: Digging. OH!!! (He screams as she digs her nails into his arm.)
      Lily: Focus Miles, there's a way out of this. If you yank your arm back as hard as you can, you'll break her nails. Do it now!
      Miles: Oh I did it! I did it! (He trails off as he gets hit in the face with a purse.)
      Lily: Don't get cocky, she's got a bagful of make-up and loose change, and she'll use it.
      Miles: You gotta warn me before you do that! (He screams and ducks as she swings at him again, only to be hit in the neck with a stapler, leaving a staple behind.) OHHH!!!
      Lily: Gotta stay frosty b*tch!
      Miles: What the hell?! She's not gonna be using a stapler! Ooof! (He doubles over as she punches him in the gut.)
      Lily: You wanna land as many ovary shots as you can. (She says as she double fists him across the back, knocking him to the ground.) And if you're lucky, she'll be in her period.
      Miles: Okay, enough... (He says while struggling to rise.)
      Lily: And last but not least, you've gotta be ready for the nuclear option. (She says while macing him in the face, leaving Miles screaming and writhing on the floor.) And that concludes today's lesson. (She says as she walks out of the room.)

    • RJ Berger: Coach... um... What's the quickest way to get a tug job?
      Coach Sinclair: (Jumping up out of his chair.) I've hit a body before Berger, and I'll do it again!
      RJ Berger: No no no! Coach! Not, n-not from you...
      Coach Sinclair: Oh... well... then... Take a seat...

    • RJ Berger: I don't want to be the type of guy who spreads rumors! Especially about Claire...
      Miles: Dude, I spread like four rumors a day. None of them ever get back to the person who... (Trails off as he gets punched in the face.)
      Robin: Have you been telling people that I let you motorboat my boobs?!
      Miles: Robin! I swear to God, I never...
      Robin: Courtyard, after school, be there, or be a b*tch!
      Miles: Wait! Wait! Y-you want to fight me?
      Robin: No! I want to beat you until you beg for death! I'm sick of you spreading lies about me Miles. So, I'm gonna spread your face across the concrete!

    • Sex Ed. Teacher: Alrighty! In the minutes remaining I will pull a few slips from the anonymous question bin. Umm... Is it weird that all I want to do is give my boyfriend BJ's like 24/7. Alright, weird, well I wouldn't call it weird. Actually it's pretty common. But you might want to mix it up a eensy teensy bit, you know, like... uh, the Side Saddle French Butler, like we talked about in class yesterday. Okay, next question. I have two girlfriends, they both know about each other and are totally cool with it, and we have sex, all three of us, like a dozen times a week... This bin is for serious questions, you all, not for bragging. Next. Is it normal for a boy to want to wait? (Long pause.) Well... On the record, I'm supposed to tell you that it's totally normal for a boy to want to wait. But... Off the record? If boys your age want to wait, they really should see a doctor because they either have a serious hormone imbalance... Or they have a secret craving for the warm flesh of another fella... (Long pause while the class laughs.) Which it totally okay! (Bell rings.)

    • (The cautionary video on Teen Pregnancy.)
      Video Narrator: Stacy is just a few pushes away from being a teenage mother. Harder, harder, says the nurse. Ironically, those were the very same words that got Stacy in this mess 9 short months ago. Stacy sure looked sexy that night. (Long pause.) But now... (Wet pooping sounds.) Well, she just had a bowel movement in front of everybody with her last big push. (Long pause.) Congratulations Stacy. To bad you can't keep the baby and give those stretch marks up for adoption. Teenage pregnancy! Blood! Poop! And ruined bodies!

    • Miles: Your dad's right man. You gotta be more aggressive. You gotta just take it out, and just BAM! (Flops his arm across the seat.) Yeah! You see that baby! That's right! That's my D piece! Deal with it!

    • (RJ's opening monologue, while having a dinner table discussion.)
      RJ's Dad (Rick): So, uh, RJ umm, has our little neighbor shown you her Vajma Hall yet?
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Rick!!!
      RJ's Dad (Rick): What?!
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): What he means is, how are things going with Clair?
      RJ's Dad (Rick): Yeah...
      Miles: Yeah RJ, how's three weeks of finally getting a girlfriend, and StILL not getting any, treating you?
      RJ Berger: Shut up Miles!
      Miles: Hey, seriously, if I were you guys, I'd think about covering the furniture before Mt. Saint Blue Balls finally erupts.
      RJ Berger: Miles!
      Miles: Hey! What's the difference between RJ, and Dick Clark? (Long pause.) At least that Dick had a stroke!
      RJ's Dad (Rick): Is Miles right bud? I mean, has that squirrel beem making you dance for your nut?
      RJ Berger: I really like Clair... You know? And if she wants to wait to do that stuff, then... It's okay with me...
      RJ's Dad (Rick): No, you really like Jenny Swanson... But if you can't hit this Clair girl Slum Doggy how are you ever going to be able to get with Jenny? You have to not be scared to go for it. Right? You have to initiate. Like, like if you're sitting next to her. Take her hand, gently in yours. (He takes Suzanne's hand in his.) Place it in your lap... Vvvvwhoop! Like so...
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Oh! There's something in my hand!
      RJ's Dad (Rick): Oh yeah, she'll catch on real quick. It's like playing your Wii. (The underside of the table starts to rattle from Suzanne's motions.) Okay, okay, e-e-easy, we're not trying to start a fire.
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Oh sorry! (The table continues to rattle, but at a slower pace.)
      RJ Berger: Miles, come on... My name is RJ Berger, and I'm never playing Wii again!

  • NOTES (5)

  • ALLUSIONS (0)

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