The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Season 2 Episode 3

The Lock-In

Aired Sunday 11:00 PM Apr 04, 2011 on MTV - Music Television



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • RJ Berger: (RJ's closing monologue, after Jenny's bad trip and spending the night together out on the football field.) My name is RJ Berger, and I think the universe is starting to take a shine to me... (The sprinklers on the field come on, soaking he and Jenny.)

    • RJ Berger: (Stroking Jenny's hair as she wakes up.) Morning...
      Jenny Swanson: Good morning...
      RJ Berger: Last night... Everybody got pretty, messed up...
      Jenny Swanson: Did I...?
      RJ Berger: Yeah...
      Jenny Swanson: (Remembering that she took her panties off.) Did I... take my...
      RJ Berger: Yes... But I put them back on for you...
      Jenny Swanson: (Looking embarrassed.) I'm sorry RJ... But... Did we...?
      RJ Berger: No... But, we did just spend the night together...
      Jenny Swanson: (Touching RJ's face.) Soon, RJ Berger... I promise... (Kisses him gently on the lips.)

    • Lily: (Spotting Miles at the end of the hallway after finally getting out of the bathroom.) Hey!!! I'm gonna take this nice, and slow...
      Miles: (Still hallucinating, he sees her as an evil troll creature.) No!!! NOOOOOO!!! Stay away from me!!! Help!!! (The entire gym full of people, also on a bad trip, races down the hallway, knocking Lily over and pinning Miles up against the locked doors.)
      RJ Berger: STOP!!! (He walks calmly through the crowd and unbolts the doors from up top, letting all the students outside into the night.) Go!

    • Miles: (Hallucinating Paris Hilton.) Paris Hilton... Is it really you...?
      Hallucination: Yes it's me...
      Miles: (Looking her up and down.) You're beautiful...
      Hallucination: I know... You are sooo hot...
      Miles: Really...?
      Hallucination: Can I tell you a secret?
      Miles: Anything...
      Hallucination: (Hallucination turns from Paris Hilton into the devil.) I'm the devil!!!
      Miles: (Completely flipping out and hallucinating badly.) The biscotti monster!!! (He races down the hallway in his underwear, screaming the entire way.)

    • Lily: (Hearing Coach Sinclair in the air ducts.) Who's there?! (The air duct pops open, but it's too dark for Lily to see the coach.) Ahhhh! NOOOOOO!!!
      Coach Sinclair: What the hell is going...? OW!!! (Yells as Lily starts to beat him over and over again with her crutches.) OW!!! Stop you crazy b*tch!!!

    • Jenny Swanson: (Undressing.) Come on... Let's get it on...
      RJ Berger: Jenny, Jenny! Please, please, just take, just take... Hold on, take a deep breath!
      Jenny Swanson: Okay... Oooh! I get it! You want a little... (Mimes giving oral sex and unzips RJ's pants.) AH! Touch down! Down the hatch! Down the hatch... (Passes out in his lap.)
      RJ Berger: Wait! Nonono! Jenny...? (She starts snoring.)

    • Coach Sinclair: (Laughing hysterically with a hallucination of himself from the drugged biscotti.) I like you, me...
      Coach Sinclair's Hallucination: Oh, I like me too... Ah, but guess what?
      Coach Sinclair: What?
      Coach Sinclair's Hallucination: You ain't never gonna guess...
      Coach Sinclair: Lay it on me...
      Coach Sinclair's Hallucination : Okay... This trip, is about to go really, REALLY bad...
      Coach Sinclair: Oh no...
      Coach Sinclair's Hallucination: Yeah, you better hide in the air ducts... Cuz this peace, is about to go BUCK WILD!
      Coach Sinclair's 2nd Hallucination: (Terrified and crying.) He... He got that right...
      Coach Sinclair: If ya'll say so...
      Coach Sinclair's Hallucination: Yeah, yeah, we think that's a good idea.
      Coach Sinclair's 2nd Hallucination: (Still crying hysterically.) I, I think it's a good idea... Agh!!! He ain't gonna make it! (The sobbing continues while Coach Sinclair climbs up into the air ducts.)

    • Robin Pretnar: (Staring at Miles while eating biscotti.) I love you!
      Miles: But don't we hate eat other? (He says as he touches her nose.)
      Robin Pretnar: (Sweetly.) We do!
      Max Owens: (Grabbing Miles' shoulder and sandwiching Robin between them.) Love... This is what it's all about... (He says while the three of them snuggle and caress each other.) Get in on this everybody! It's magic!
      Miles: Magic!
      Max Owens: Double rainbow all the way!!!
      Robin Pretnar: What does that mean?!?!?!
      Max Owens: What does it mean...? (He trails off as everyone in the gym forms one long line of touching and hugging.)

    • Jenny Swanson: RJ, this is... This is perfect... Has my hair always tasted this good? I mean this is just exactly how I always wanted it...
      RJ Berger: I somehow doubt that...
      Jenny Swanson: No, nononono, this is just right, exactly how I wanna lose my virginity...
      RJ Berger: Wait, waitwaitwaitwait! You're a virgin?!
      Jenny Swanson: Not for long!
      RJ Berger: (As Lily's banging on the pipes echoes into the room.) What is that?!
      Jenny Swanson: Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clangclangclangclang! (Trails off into laughter.)
      Lily: (Screaming in the bathroom, though no one can hear her.) HELP!!! Get me outta here!!! Get me outta here Miles, or I'm gonna bite off your!!! (Her cries for help are once again drowned out by the pandemonium in the gym.)

    • Jenny Swanson: (In a sing song voice.) This little piggy went wee wee wee wee wee... All the way home... It feels like a big fat weiner! But not as big as yours I bet! Oh my God... These biscotti are amazing...
      RJ Berger: Are you feeling okay...?
      Jenny Swanson: I'm great! Let's get a look at the legend! (She says as she goes straight for RJ's pant.)
      RJ Berger: Whoa, no no, whoa wait, wait Jenny! (He struggles to keep her hands off of him for a moment.) You, you're, you're acting really weird...
      Jenny Swanson: Ooooh... I know what you want... You want me to show you mine first... (She drops her underwear and reveals herself to RJ.) You like what you see...?
      RJ Berger: (He basks in the imaginary light he sees shining from between her legs, and he stares in awe.) Hardwood floors... (He continues to stare, speechless, as she pretends to make squeaking noises come from her lady bits.)

    • Miles: (Clearly stoned out of his mind.) This... This is the best lock in... EVER! Hooo! I think um... Yeah... Yeah I'm trippin' balls! I'm trippin' biscotti balls! This is amazing!

    • Miles: (While being swarmed by a gym full of students wanting to get some of the biscotti that everyone is talking about.) Alright, whoa, whoa! Hey! Ladies, ladies first, alright! Ladies with their BOOBIES out, double firsts! (Looks awe struck when two girls at the front immediately flash him.) Okay! We have four winners! There you go girls! Whooooo!!!

    • Miles: (While wedging a chair under the door and trapping Lily in the bathroom.) Welcome home you traitorous Hobbit!
      Lily: Miles?!
      Miles: Enjoy your stay! I hope you enjoy deucing in the dark, b*tch!
      Lily: Miles! Miles! You fat bastard! Let me outta here! MILES!!!

    • Coach Sinclair: Jenner! What did you bring to eat? Time to pay the sugar toll.
      Miles: (Frantically trying to spot Lily, so he can stop her from ruining RJ's night.) Biscotti...
      Coach Sinclair: Biscotta what?
      Miles: It's a delicious biscuit. My brother learned the recipe in Afghanistan...
      Coach Sinclair: Mmm!!! Damn boy! Mmmm! That's some Afghany Gold right there!
      Max Owens: What do you got coach?
      Coach Sinclair: I've got a world class taste whoopin' in my mouth. You gotta try these! Lemme take a couple more here, while I make my rounds. Mmm!!!
      Max Owens: (Startling Miles with a rush forward.) PSHEW!!! You want one baby?
      Robin Pretnar: Are you TRYING to make me fat?
      Max Owens: You little PRICK! These are GOOD!
      Robin Pretnar: Well then give me one then! (She says, sticking her hand out.)
      Miles: Ahh, here... (Shoves a handful into Robin's face and walks away.)

    • Jenny Swanson: (While walking through the darkened halls of the school.) Gosh, it's so creepy here at night...
      RJ Berger: It's creepy during the day too.
      Jenny Swanson: Where should we go?
      RJ Berger: Uh, anywhere... It could literally be anywhere in the world... (Points at the floor.) Right there...
      Jenny Swanson: Nooo, RJ! It's gotta be special! We have to find the perfect place...
      RJ Berger: Okay, you lead the way.
      Jenny Swanson: Okay... (Offering RJ one of the treats that Miles brought.) Biscotti?
      RJ Berger: Oh nonono, actually I'm uh, I'm allergic to chocolate...
      Jenny Swanson: More for me! (Takes another bite, unaware that the biscotti has drugs in them.) I think I'm getting a sugar rush...

    • Lily: I can't believe that little blonde b*tch made it...
      Miles: Yeah, isn't it awesome? Wait... Why wouldn't she...?
      Lily: No reason... I gotta go take a MAJOR dump... You wanna wipe my ass, fatty? (Makes a seductive face at Miles.)
      Miles: Hell no! I think I'd rather be a human centipede between Biz Markie and Justin Bieber, thanks. (Thinks for a moment while Lily starts to walk away.) WAIT!!! It was you, wasn't it?! You called Jenny's parents... YOU tried to sabotage RJ's night!
      Lily: And I'm still going to.
      RJ Berger: You mechanized cock block! How could you?!
      Lily: If I can't have RJ Berger... No one can... (She walks off, leaving Miles speechless.)

    • Miles: (Extremely excited about the large gathering of students going crazy and making out everywhere in the gym.) Dude, can you believe it?! I mean, you can practically feel the beaver mist in the air! There's NO WAY I'm not gettin' laid tonight!

    • Miles: (After everyone goes berserk in the gym once the coach leaves.) This is gonna be the greatest night of our lives!!!
      Jenny Swanson: (Snuggling up to RJ and speaking in a sing song voice.) I think he might be right...

    • Coach Sinclair: Aight, listen up super freaks! The only reason, I chaperoned this sad ass circus, is to eat your mamma's cookies, while I watch the fight on my office TV... I ain't got no cable at home. Ground rules are: Stay in the gym! Don't leave the gym! And stay the hell in the gym at all times! Oh yeah... And stay the HELL outta my office!

    • Jenny's Dad: Jennifer's not allowed out tonight, maybe you hadn't heard.
      RJ Berger: But sir, please, we're, we're all just counting on her...
      Jenny's Dad: Excuse me?
      RJ Berger: Well... well we're supposed to roleplay together tonight...
      Jenny's Dad: I knew it! This whole lock in nonsense, is just a thinly veiled excuse for a schorgy!
      RJ Berger: A, A what?!
      Jenny's Dad: It's a compound word Berger! Using the word school, and, and orgy...
      RJ Berger: Orgy...? Oh my God, that's disgusting. Jennifer, what is your father talking about?!
      Jenny Swanson: I don't know! Someone told him this CRAZY story, and it is GROSS...
      RJ Berger: Oh! I mean, I just don't know who's going to play my Princess Pigington in our ExcaliBoar campaign!
      Jenny's Dad: Princess... Pigington...?
      RJ Berger: Yeah! Uh, she roles a plus 12 against all evil. She's the Magical Keeper of the Sacred Scrolls of Baconia... (Trails off as Jenny's dad interrupts.)
      Jenny's Dad: Stop! Shut up with that... Alright, obviously there's some sort of misunderstanding here...
      Jenny Swanson: I told you daddy, it's not at all like that...
      Jenny's Dad: (Smiling.) Alright sweety, alright. You can go. (He and Jenny hug, and then he leans in close to RJ.) But you listen to me, SON. You better swear to me that you will NOT take advantage of my daughter tonight!
      RJ Berger: It is my sworn duty as a knight to defend all maidens against evil and chaotic beasts... (Trails off as Jenny's dad once again interrupts him.)
      Jenny's Dad: Stop stop stop! Just shut up with that! (He gets up and leaves.)
      Jenny Swanson: Thank you daddy!
      RJ Berger: Goodnight sir.
      Jenny Swanson: You are a genius! I think you just earned something special tonight... (She says coyly, glancing down at RJ's lap, making RJ grins ear to ear.)

    • RJ Berger: So I was thinking we just, you know, sneak off tonight, after coach calls lights out, and find a place like we pictured?
      Jenny Swanson: No, RJ, I can't... I'm so sorry...
      RJ Berger: No no, I I, totally understand if you, didn't, you know, wouldn't wanna do it, you know...
      Jenny Swanson: No, RJ, not that... I do want to... I, I really, really want to... It's just, my parents won't let me go...
      RJ Berger: But it's a school event!
      Jenny Swanson: I know! Somebody called them and told them how it's basically a school sponsored orgy...
      RJ Berger: Schorgy...
      Jenny Swanson: What?
      RJ Berger: Nothing...
      Jenny Swanson: Anyways... I really, really want to... It just can't be tonight... Unless, by some miracle my dad changes his mind, which... Will never happen...
      RJ Berger: (Suddenly thinking of a plan to get permission for Jenny to come to the Schorgy.) Don't worry about your dad...
      Jenny Swanson: What...?
      RJ Berger: I got this... (Tips Jenny's chin up to kiss her.)

    • Miles: (After RJ slams his backpack down and sits down scowling.) Whoa! What's with you?
      RJ Berger: The universe keeps blue balling me, that's what! I keep gettin' thiiiis close, and then... (Trails off as Miles starts talking.)
      Miles: And the universe says... (Speaking in a deep voice with a foreign accent.) Noooo RJ, you must wait... Wait for tonight... For on this night you shall surely bone. (Taps RJ on the nose.)
      RJ Berger: What would make tonight any different...?
      Miles: Dude! Because it's sophomore lock in night!
      RJ Berger: So...
      Miles: So... Lock in night, is like a school sponsored orgy... Schorgy! And everyone in class gets to rub guts! Even complete trolls...
      RJ Berger: Miles, this is another one of your stupid theories! There's no way people are going to do IT at school!
      Max Owens: (Leaps up onto a lunch table wearing nothing but boxer briefs, with a length of padlock and chain covering his privates.) Oh!!! (The crowd goes berserk over his antics.) Lock in NIGHT, Pinkerton... Now, where is my sexy key master...?
      Robin Pretnar: Right here, here I am!
      Max Owens: Come and get it baby! (He starts thrusting his pelvis back and forth, making the padlock bounce up and down before he runs of with Robin)
      Miles: Another one of my stupid theories, huh? Just like when I warned you what would happen if you entered the Dragon. (Glances over at Lily, who is staring daggers at RJ.)
      RJ Berger: (Under his breath.) Why do I feel like she can hear every word we're saying...?
      Miles: Cause she's poor evil bro. Forget her... You moved on... (Points to Jenny, who waves at RJ.)
      RJ Berger: Maybe you're right... Maybe tonight is THE night...
      Miles: Dude, if it DOES happen, just PROMISE me a detailed description of the merchandise... You know, hard wood floors, or carpet... Curtains, or pouty face... (Leans over on side, pinching his lips together to somewhat resemble a vagina.) Come on RJ... Come... To paradise... (Picks up a canolli and begins to insert it in and out of mouth.) Mmm, mmm, RJ Berger! RJ Berger!
      RJ Berger: Okay okokokok! I get it, I get it!
      Miles: Oh! Dude, that reminds me! You have to bring a dessert to get it! See, even the rules are awesome!!! Tasty treats, locked in with girls and dessert?!
      RJ Berger and Miles: (Shouting as they high five.) SCHORGY!!!

    • RJ Berger: (RJ's opening monologue, after his mother ruins he and Jenny's make out session in his bedroom.) My name is RJ Berger, and I need a new makeout spot...

    • RJ Berger: (Making out and watching Jenny take her shirt off, leaving her nearly topless with only a skimpy bra on.) Holy crap, this is... Really happening...
      Jenny Swanson: Yep... (As RJ struggles with her bra.) Umm... Is something wrong...?
      RJ Berger: No... no no, nothing... (Continues to struggle with the bra while kissing her.) Wow, they really lock these things in, huh?
      Jenny Swanson: Yeah...
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): (Yelling from another room.) Just pull it over her head hon!
      RJ Berger: (Completely embarrassed.) MOM!!!
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Yeah, you gotta pull those little muffins out of the oven while they're still warm!
      Jenny Swanson: These walls sure are thin huh...?
      RJ Berger: Don't pay attention...
      Jenny Swanson: Oh, okay... (They continues to kiss.)
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): Did you get it?! Can you see em?! Oh I bet they are fantastic! Let me know when you get to the bottoms. I'll talk you through it, it can be kinda tricky!
      RJ Berger: (Yells as his mom walks into the room and snaps Jenny's bra open with one deft move.) MOM!!! Mom!
      Jenny Swanson: Oh my God!
      RJ's Mom (Suzanne): You're welcome! (She turns and leaves as quickly as she entered, leaving RJ and Jenny completely speechless.)

  • Notes

    • Audience - 1,220,000

    • Production Companies - MTV/Remote Productions

    • Also Known As:

      Hard Times - USA (working title)
      Hard Times - Tempi duri per RJ Berge - Italy
      RJ Berger - Hard kor - Hungary
      Tiempos duros para RJ Berger - Spain

    • Music:

      The Waking Hours - Hey Hey Hey
      My Luminaries - Order From The Chaos
      The Summer Set - The Boys You Do
      Colorsound - Midnight Feeling
      Ali Pierre - Famous
      Wil Seabrook - Plus One
      The Beatards - This Is For The...
      MNDR - Caligula
      Val Emmich - Don't Wanna Go Home
      Jiggsaw - Don't Waste Your Time

    • Filmed with a 1.78:1 aspect ratio.

  • Allusions

    • Max Owens: Double rainbow all the way!!!

      The Double Rainbow saying is a direct reference to something that Paul 'Bear' Vasquez said upon seeing an enormous double rainbow 'all the way across the sky' from his front yard near Yosemite National Park. It became a viral video sensation, less from the beauty of the rainbow, and more because of the emotional way in which he expressed his awe.

    • Miles: (While wedging a chair under the door and trapping Lily in the bathroom.) Welcome home you traitorous Hobbit!

      Hobbits allude to a race of 'Little People' created by J.R.R. Tolkein, and made famous first in his series of books, and then on a MUCH larger scale with the Lord of the Ring trilogy. They are generally described as short, stout, and hairy, which areall attributes that Miles has attributed to Lily, thoughwith slightly different wordings.

    • Miles: Hell no! I think I'd rather be a human centipede between Biz Markie and Justin Bieber, thanks.

      This single phrase alludes to multiple things. First, Human Centiped was a 2010 movie about a crazy doctor who sews 3 people together from ass to mouth.

      Biz Markie is a world renowned rapper and comedian, among many other talents, and has always been something of a heavyset man.

      Justin Bieber is a young teen Canadian singer who has become a global phenomenon. He is constantly plagued with gay rumors.