Ralph and Norton have a secret that Norton can't wait to blab to the wives--he and Ralph are going to buy a cottage in the country. They want to spend nearly a thousand dollars for it, and Alice and Trixie are immediately against the idea. Ralph convinces Alice to go look at a model cottage, and she and Trixie fall in love with it--not knowing that they're looking at a model that costs more than twice as much as the one Ralph and Norton want to buy. Alice changes her mind and decides she'd love to own a summer cottage. The boys send the wives away so they can bargain with the salesman, a shady character who'd give a used-car salesman a good name by comparison. He tells Ralph and Norton he'll give them a "modified" version of the two-thousand-dollar cottage for $989, the price of the model they wanted originally. When the Kramdens and the Nortons arrive at Paradise Acres to spend their first night in their dream cottage, they discover they've been sold a nightmare instead. The wives are infuriated, and soon everyone is yelling at everyone else; Trixie blames Ralph for dragging Norton into another fiasco, but Alice jumps to Ralph's defense. The Kramdens storm out, and when they get home Ralph takes out a house-for-sale ad in the paper. A Mr. Wohlstetter answers the ad, and pays a thousand dollars for the cottage. Ralph and Norton think they've pulled a fast one--until they learn that a highway is going through Paradise Acres and that Wohlstetter is going to sell the cottage property to the developers for four thousand dollars.
Running time: 39:42.
NOTE: This episode is also known as "Cottage For Four".moreless
Ralph and Norton want to buy a hot-dog stand in New Jersey, but they need six hundred dollars first. The Kramdens have $158 in their bank account, but it's a joint account and Alice won't let Ralph use the money. Ralph is bitter over this because Alice has caused him to miss other opportunities in the past. It's the same story with Norton and Trixie, so the boys are forced to go first to friends and relatives for the money, and finally to a bank. Mr. Foster, the banker, refuses to lend Ralph and Norton the money, until Norton mentions that they were planning to work their regular jobs nights and run the hot-dog stand during the day. Foster is impressed with their dedication and approves the loan. Alice and Trixie help the boys get the stand ready for the grand opening, while Ralph and Norton practice a code that's supposed to help provide quick and efficient service. Things look rosy when a customer tells Ralph and Norton that a building is going up right down the road from the stand, but their bubble is burst when they learn that the building is going to be a Howard Johnson's restaurant.
Running time: 35:13.moreless
Ralph comes home in a rage; after driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company for nine years, he's been told to turn in his uniform. He is incensed, frustrated, and humiliated, and the loss of income has him bordering on panic--he actually suggests to Alice that they move in with her parents until he gets another job. Norton comes down to pick up Ralph to go bowling and, as only he can, he makes Ralph feel worse while trying to cheer him up. Ralph feels cheated and betrayed -- both by life and by J. J. Marshall, president of the bus company--so he decides to write Marshall a letter to tell him how he feels after being fired after nine years of loyal service. Norton writes what Ralph dictates. His opening line: "You dirty bum," delivered with such conviction by Ralph that it sounds as if he invented the insult for the occasion. After calling Marshall a miserable low-life and a few other things, he tells Norton to sign the letter "Respectfully yours, etc., etc." Ralph is too depressed to go bowling so he asks Norton to mail it on his way to the alley. Moments later Ralph finds out he hasn't been fired: he was told to turn in his uniform because he was getting a promotion. Ralph races out of the house to catch Norton before he mails the letter. Norton, meanwhile, asks a custodian at the bowling alley to mail the letter. Ralph arrives at the alley, but by the time he finds out what happened to the letter, it's too late--the custodian's disappeared and presumably dropped the letter in a mailbox outside the alley. Federal offense or not, Ralph is determined to retrieve the letter from the mailbox -- until a postman catches him and Norton trying to turn it over and shake out its contents. Ralph's only chance now is to intercept the letter before Mr. Marshall has a chance to read it. Marshall walks into his office just as Ralph is sorting through the mail and Ralph greets him with a friendly homina-homina. The first letter Marshall opens is Ralph's, and he begins reading it out loud to acquaint Ralph with the crank mail executives occasionally receive. Marshall is getting a kick out of the letter until he gets to the end. He doesn't mind the nasty remarks but he becomes infuriated when he thinks the author didn't have the courage to sign his name. Norton had written down exactly what Ralph said: "Respectfully yours, etc., etc." Ralph is so shocked by the turn of events that he has a spastic fainting attack (it looks like a precursor of break dancing) and collapses on Marshall's floor. Ralph recovers and races home to tell Alice the good news--because of Norton's stupidity he didn't lose his promotion. The Kramdens are preparing to celebrate with a Chinese dinner when Norton comes in with his good news: he went down to the bus company and told Mr. Marshall that Ralph was sorry for calling him a dirty bum. When Ralph hears this he has fainting spell number two, a "cartwheel faint" that plops him squarely on his backside.
Running time: 32:35.
NOTES: This was remade as "Letter To The Boss" (5/21/1955) & "To Whom It May Concern" (12/16/1967) and recorded as "Letter To The Boss" (5/18/1954) as a radio program that never aired.moreless
Ralph spots Bullets Durgom, a wanted killer, on his bus and helps the police capture him. Ralph races home with the news, just a step ahead of the reporters who descend upon Chauncey Street for photos of the hero and a firsthand account of how he helped apprehend one of the country's meanest thugs. A police chief comes by to congratulate Ralph, and while he's there one of his men races in with the news that Bullets has escaped. Ralph is terrified, because Bullets has threatened to get him. The cops figure Bullets will head straight to Chauncey Street to carry out his threat, so they set a trap for him: two cops will wait in the Kramden's bedroom, ready to spring out when Ralph says "Bullets, it's you," when the killer enters the apartment. Bullets appears and Ralph is tongue-tied. Just as Bullets is about to shoot, Norton walks in, and upon seeing him blurts out "Bullets, it's you." The cops fly out of the bedroom, nab Bullets, and commend Ralph for being so brave.
Running time: 11:51.
NOTE: This was remade as "The People's Choice" (10/23/1954 & 9/23/1967).moreless
Ralph has been chosen to appear on the This Is Your Life TV program, and Alice must meet secretly with Mr. Wilson, the show's producer, to discuss the arrangements. Ralph finds out about the meetings and thinks Alice is fooling around with another man. He thinks the best way to uncover Alice's lover's identity is to play detective at the pool room. He already knows that the mystery man likes Italian food and is going to California. And when he tells Ralph that he's eaten at an Italian restaurant two days in a row, Ralph finds a way to leave him and Alice alone together, and then barges back into the apartment to catch them red-handed. Phil Cuoco, the best man at Ralph and Alice's wedding, becomes the prime suspect when Ralph overhears him telling a friend that he's going to California, and when he tells Ralph that he's eaten at an Italian restaurant two days in a row. Ralph invites him to the apartment and then leaves him alone with Alice so he can spy on them from the fire escape. Phil leans over Alice as they are looking at old photographs and Ralph thinks they're cuddling. Phil leaves the apartment and Mr. Wilson shows up as Ralph is racing up to the roof and back down the stairs to the apartment. Ralph barges in and without looking at who he's hitting, belts Wilson--killing his spot on This Is Your Life.
Running time: 37:43.moreless
Ralph and Norton are at the poolroom, when in walks Dynamite Moran, a small-time boxer who's come to New York to make it big. He's had two fights and two quick knockouts, and when Ralph sees him punch a cigarette machine he decides he wants to manage the kid. Alice feels like KO-ing Ralph when she hears this scheme, but she's placated when Ralph says it won't cost him any money to manage Moran. Then he drops the bombshell: Moran is moving in with them. Ralph and Norton go to see Jack Philbin, a fight promoter and member of the Raccoon Lodge (and in real life the executive producer of the Jackie Gleason Show and The Honeymooners), to try to arrange a match. When Armstrong, another fight manager, tells Philbin he's heard Moran can punch, Philbin schedules a fight for Moran. Armstrong offers to buy Moran's contract from Ralph for five hundred dollars, but Ralph refuses. Armstrong drops by the Kramdens' one morning to watch Moran train, and while he's there a neighbor comes in to complain about the noise. Moran grabs him menacingly and the neighbor pops him on the chin, knocking Moran cold. Glass jaw, says Armstrong. Ralph's career as a fight manager ends in a TKO.
Running time: 37:35.
This was remade as "The Main Event" (12/2/1967).moreless
The Kramdens and the Nortons are going on vacation together. The girls think they're going to Atlantic City, but the boys decide they want to go fishing at Fred's Landing. They get their way and wind up having to push their borrowed car halfway to Fred's. After two days at Fred's, Alice and Trixie are worn out cooking, cleaning, toting water, collecting firewood. They decide to annoy the boys enough to get them to want to leave. They don't know that Ralph and Norton are miserable too. Ralph decides he'll dress up in a bear suit to scare the girls into begging him and Norton to go home, so the boys can leave and save face at the same time. Ralph returns with the suit, to find Norton face to face with a real bear. Ralph admits he made a mistake wanting to go toFred's and it's off to Atlantic City.
Running time: 31.00.
NOTE: This is a remake of "Vacation Plans" (5/30/1952) "Vacation At Fred's Landing" (6/27/1953).moreless
A mob boss, who is a dead ringer for Ralph, is holed up in his apartment because a rival gang leader, Barney Hackett, wants to bump him off. Nick, one of his henchmen, takes a ride on Ralph's bus and gets the idea of somehow setting up Ralph to get knocked off in place of his boss. He offers Ralph a "job" as a top executive with an insurance company, as the pretext of getting Ralph to the boss's apartment so he can be set up. When Ralph tells Alice he's been offered a job as boss of the "eastern district" of an insurance company (whose name he doesn't even know), with a salary of six hundred dollars a week, a Park Avenue apartment, and a chauffeured limousine, she is--what else--skeptical. The next day Ralph reports to work on Park Avenue, while the mob boss moves to another hideout. Nick makes a deal with Hackett to bump off Ralph (Hackett, of course, isn't wise to the switch), but the assassination attempt fails, thanks to Norton's interference. Next, Nick sends Ralph to Hackett's headquarters, to "sell him insurance." When Ralph walks in, Hackett thinks it's his archenemy looking for a showdown. Ralph doesn't suspect a thing, and just as he's invited to step into the back room, a cop walks in and insists that Ralph move his car. When Ralph shows up at the apartment again, Nick decides they'll have to bump off Ralph themselves, and then dump his body in front of Hackett's joint. He mistakes his boss for Ralph, knocks him cold, and deposits him in the bedroom. Alice comes by to visit Ralph on his new job, and right behind her is the boss's girlfriend, who thinks Ralph is her boyfriend. As she's cuddling up to Ralph, Alice re-enters the room and sparks fly. Ralph goes into the bedroom and sees the mob boss out cold on the bed. He puts two and two together and realizes what's been going on. Alice calls the cops and Ralph's career as an insurance executive comes to a sudden end.
Running time: 42:28.
NOTES: This episode is rushed to end due to audience laughter. The scene ends with the CBS logo cutting in.
This was remade as "Stand In For Murder" (6/4/1955) and as "Two Faces of Ralph Kramden" (11/18/1967).moreless
Alice's sister, Helen, and her husband, Frank, have won a cruise to Europe, and Ralph and Alice go to see them off at the dock. Ralph is jealous and he acts it. The next day he buys every product that's running a contest--$23.50 worth of dog food, cereal, cake mix, detergent, etc.--so he can win something too. Ralph eventually wins two contests: his prizes are a dog from the Happy Hound dog food people and a trip to Europe from Slim-o Bread. (Ralph's winning slogan: "Slim-O Bread adds to the taste and takes away from the waist.") When Ralph reads the telegram that notifies him about winning the trip, he discovers that the company wants to use before-and-after photos of him; Ralph said on his entry blank that he used to be a fatty but that his weight dropped down to 170 pounds after he began eating Slim-O. Ralph cons Norton into posing as him, and stuffs him with a pillow and takes his picture, which is to pass as the "before" Ralph. The ruse works--until Mrs. Manicotti comes in and refers to Ralph as Mr. Kramden. When the Slim-O man questions her, she tells him that Ralph is Kramden. Ralph is also fat, so he doesn't get to go to Europe.
Running time: 40:27.
This was remade as "In Twenty-Five Words or Less" (9/17/1966).moreless
Ralph wins $73.85 playing poker and hides the money in the pocket of an old suit so Alice won't find it. The next day, a man from the Help the Needy Society comes to the apartment looking for old clothes and newspapers. Alice gives him Ralph's old suit. When Ralph hears this he and Norton race down to the mission to retrieve the suit. They decide that if Ralph goes in and asks for the suit because his money is in the pocket, the society may check with Alice to verify the story. Instead, Norton makes up Ralph to look like a bum in need of new clothes. Ralph gets on the clothes line, but when he gets to the counter the man tells him he can't get clothes without a ticket. Then Ralph learns he can't get a ticket until he fills out some forms and is investigated by the society. He gives the clerk a nutty sob story, gets a ticket, and grabs the suit he thinks is his. It's not. He sees another guy about his size wearing a similar jacket and tries to pick a fight with him, hoping the guy will take off the jacket, giving Norton a chance to search the pockets. Instead, he and Norton get kicked out for being troublemakers. A moment later, in walks the guy who collected Ralph's suit from Alice. He looks it over and decides he'll keep it for himself. He finds the money in the pocket and heads back to Chauncey Street to return it to Alice. Ralph gets home and discovers Alice has the money. He rants and raves that it's his money--and Alice graciously returns it to him. Ralph feels like two cents.
Running time: 34:30.moreless
It's the day before New Year's Eve, and Alice and Trixie want Ralph and Norton to take them out to celebrate the arrival of 1954. Ralph, who says he hates going out on New Year's Eve, anticipates that Alice is going to ask him to take her out, so he decides to- pick a fight with her so she'll be too mad at him to want to go anywhere. First he screams about dinner; but Alice doesn't retaliate because one of her New Year's resolutions is not to argue with Ralph. Ralph gropes for other things to get her riled, and when they fail he blurts out that he's not taking her out for New Year's Eve. Then they fight. In walk Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey, who've come to retrieve a briefcase full of sheet music Alice found earlier that day in a telephone booth. They invite the Kramdens and the Nortons to be their guests New Year's Eve at the Statler Hotel, where the Dorsey Brothers band is playing. Suddenly Ralph is in a festive mood. Moments later Freddie Muller arrives with bad news: Ralph has to work New Year's Eve. The next day Ralph goes to see Mr. Marshall to ask for the night off. While he's there Marshall has a fit over six other drivers all trying to do the same thing. When Marshall says the only way a driver is going to get the night off is to be sick--really sick--Ralph begins to bellow "in pain" and Marshall tells him to go home. Ralph leaves and Marshall calls his secretary to confirm his reservations for that night--at the Statler. In the Statler lobby Ralph meets Marshall, who fires him for lying. Marshall's wife reminds him that he also lied to her mother so they wouldn't have to spend New Year's Eve with her. Marshall forgives Ralph and rehires him, and the Kramdens, Nortons, and Marshalls usher in the New Year swinging to the music of the Dorseys.
Running time: 37:15.
This episode is also known as "New Year's Eve Party with the Dorseys".moreless
It's Halloween and the Kramdens and Nortons are going to a bus-company party. They're all in costume: Trixie's a sailor, Alice is an angel, Norton's dressed as Clara Bow, and Ralph's outfitted as a Zulu chief, a creation of Alice's. Ralph hates his costume, (a top hat, a sweat shirt, and a grass skirt pulled up to his chest), so he decides to rip up his tuxedo and go as an "elegant bum." Freddie Muller and his wife come to pick up the Nortons and the Kramdens and they're dressed to the nines. Freddie explains that though the party's on Halloween, it's not a costume party--it's a formal dinner-dance to celebrate the boss's birthday. Since Ralph's tux is now in rags, he misses a chance to hobnob with the big shots, but Norton doesn't consider the evening a total loss: he figures since everyone's in costume, they might as well go out trick-or-treating.
Running time: 9:22.
NOTES: This episode is also known as "Masquerade" and "Halloween Party For The Boss".
This is a remake of "Halloween Party" (10/25/1952) & was remade as "Halloween Party" (10/30/1954).moreless
It's Christmas Eve. Alice is decorating the tree, singing "Jingle Bells" and setting out holiday refreshments. Ralph comes home with potato salad, but Alice says it's the wrong potato salad. Ralph can't believe that Alice is actually asking him to go out for different potato salad.
After Alice receives a "One of these days", Ralph leaves. Trixie enters, and describes to Alice what Ed gave her for Christmas, an orange juice squeezer that looks like Napoleon and squirts juice out of its ears.
Fenwick Babbitt (Jackie Gleason) comes by, to deliver ice and beer. After hauling the keg all over the apartment and standing around with the block of ice, he discovers he's in the wrong apartment, and leaves.
Ed enters, escorting Trixie's Vaudeville friend Frances Langford. Frances sings "Great Day" and "I Love Paris" for Ed, Trixie and Alice.
Then Joe the Bartender (Jackie Gleason) stops in. He says a poor soul down at the bar was the victim of a nasty practical joke by Fatso Fogarty, who gave him a cheap rhinestone. The Poor Soul, totally taken in, cherished his prize thinking it was a diamond. Alice, moved by the tale, tells Joe to send the poor soul up, and she'll give him a real present.
Joe leaves, taking Frances with him. Now the Poor Soul (Jackie Gleason) arrives. Alice offers him refreshments and a gift. He touchingly returns the favor by giving her his cherished prize, then leaves.
The next visitor is Rudy the Repairman (Jackie Gleason). Rudy is accompanied by his regular assistant, Whitey, destroys the television set, and departs. Alice tells Trixie that it doesn't really matter, since she just had the set on trial.
Next, Ed brings in guest Eddie Hodges, who sings "Walking My Baby Back Home". Ed then brings Eddie to Joe's.
Ed returns bringing Reggie Van Gleason III (Jackie Gleason) who enters with a "good group from Jimmy Ryan's Cafe" and the June Taylor Dancers, passes out gifts to Alice, Ed & Trixie, does his inimitable Reggie dance, then he and his entourage file out.
Finally, Ralph (Jackie Gleason) reappears, with a cop. Ralph knocked on the window of Kraus's, broke it, set off the alarm and was arrested for attempted break-in. After Alice explains everything, the cop leaves.
Alice and Ralph exchange presents and a kiss.
Running time: 35:54.
NOTE: This is a remake of "Christmas Party" (12/21/1951 & 12/20/1952).
The stage right portion of the set is extended in this episode to make room for the piano, tree, dancers, etc.moreless
Alice is knitting baby clothes to make some extra money for Christmas. When Norton comes down and asks Ralph if he can hide Trixie's Christmas present in the Kramdens' apartment, Ralph says yes and sticks the present in the bureau drawer -- where Alice has hidden the baby clothes. A moment later, when Norton tells Ralph that Trixie has made a doctor's appointment for Alice, Ralph is sure that Alice is pregnant. He decides he has to make some more money in a hurry so that his future son can go to college, so he answers a newspaper ad for a Santa Claus job. What Ralph doesn't know is that the guys who placed the ad are bookmakers and that they plan to use the Santa to collect bets. Ralph is hired and so is Norton, as an elf. Ralph and Norton set up shop on the sidewalk, and bettors walk by and drop in their money and slips of paper with the names of the horses they want to bet. When a cop drops some money into the pot and Norton asks him where his slip is, Santa and his helper wind up in the slammer. Ralph is frantic. He explains to the cops that he was playing Santa Claus because he wanted to earn some extra money because his wife is pregnant, and that he thought he was collecting money for charity. Alice shows up at the jail, and when Ralph asks her to corroborate his story, he finds out he's not going to be a father after all. The cops think Ralph's a liar and want to throw the book at him. The boys finally convince the cops to bring them back to where they were collecting the money, and to set up a stakeout to catch the real bookies when they show up to pick up the loot and betting slips from Ralph. The cops nab the real bad guys and for a few seconds it looks as if Ralph may have a Merry Christmas after all. But only for a few seconds. While Alice, Norton, and Ralph--still dressed in his Santa costume--are waiting for a bus to take them home, a woman hands Ralph some change and another cop pinches him for soliciting money without a license.
Running time: 35:02.
NOTE: This was remade as "Santa And The Bookies" (12/18/1954) & as "Run, Santa, Run" (12/17/1966).moreless
Ralph comes home from work in a fabulous mood--which lasts only until Alice tells him Aunt Ethel is coming for a visit. The middle sequence of this episode--in which Ralph is trying to sleep on a cot in the kitchen while Alice makes coffee for Aunt Ethel--is "Alice's Aunt Ethel" all over again. When Ralph's scheme to get rid of Aunt Ethel by faking a bad back fails, he concludes that the only way to get rid of her for good is to marry her off to somebody. Freddie Zimmerman, the butcher from Freitag's Meat Market, is chosen as the pigeon and invited over for dinner. Ralph goes all out to ensure that the evening is a success. He sends Aunt Ethel to the beauty parlor and buys her a corsage; he borrows the Nortons' love seat and his pal George's record player and records; he sprays the apartment with perfume, and buys four pounds of chopped meat from Freddie to make sure he's in a good mood. Aunt Ethel and Freddie discover they have something in common: she used to stuff sausages for a living when she lived in Ohio, and Freddie gets his meat from the same meat packer. Three weeks later they're married and Ralph thinks he's finally rid of Aunt Ethel. Not so fast: Freddie lives at the YMCA, and he and Ethel can't move in there, so they barge in on the Kramdens--just until they can find their own place. Ralph goes to live at the YMCA.
Running time: 41:44.
NOTE: This is an extended remake of "Alice's Aunt Ethel" (3/14/1953).moreless
Mr. Marshall is dropping in on the Kramdens, and Ralph, who desperately wants a promotion and a raise, is going to extremes to impress him--he buys champagne, caviar, and expensive cigars. Norton comes down and embarrasses Ralph in front of Marshall. Ralph finally gets rid of him by giving him money to take Trixie to the movies. Then Ralph gets poked in the eye by the Fickle Finger of Fate. The board of directors for the bus company has been pressuring Marshall to give his drivers a raise, but now that he sees how well Ralph lives on the $62 a week he already pays him, he wants to use Ralph and his gracious life style as proof that he already pays his drivers enough. Ralph is crestfallen, but he dines that evening on caviar and champagne.
Running time: 14:44.moreless
The Kramdens leave Brooklyn for the Bronx?!? Yes, if Ralph has his way. His friend George and his wife are moving to Albany, and Ralph and Alice have a chance to rent their apartment, a spacious, nicely decorated place that looks like the Taj Mahal next to the Kramdens' flat. For only fifteen dollars a month more than they're paying at Chauncey Street, the Kramdens can experience comfort and luxury; but first they have to sublet their apartment. When a couple of prospective tenants wash out, Ralph decides to move out in the middle of the night. That doesn't work--Norton falls down the stairs carrying a load of pots and pans and Ralph's brother Charlie doesn't show up with the car--so Ralph tries to get kicked out of the apartment by making a racket and painting the apartment in crazy colors. The landlord of the building in the Bronx drops in to interview the Kramdens, and Ralph, who's never met the Chauncey Street landlord, thinks he's the landlord of his building. Ralph does his best to prove he's a troublemaker, and his landlord-to-be rips up the lease for the new apartment before Ralph realizes who he is.
Running time: 36:58.moreless
Ralph plays hooky from work to go to a Baseball Ball game with Norton. At the game, Ralph discovers he has the "lucky" ticket number which entitles him to the prize of $1000. Ralph wants to spend it & Alice wants to save it. Ralph's picture appears in the paper & if his boss sees it, he'll know he played hooky from work.
Running time: 16:27.moreless
A bus accident finds Ralph at home with Alice with his sprained thumb and he's driving her nuts. Visits from both Ed and Trixie don't help very much. When the company doctor drops in it's he who finds Ralph is fine and it's Alice who is sick.
Running time: 12:43.
NOTE: This episode is also known as "Bus Accident".moreless
Ralph broke his leg in a bus accident and now he wants to break the bank at the bus company by suing it for $10,000. According to Ralph, the accident occurred because of company negligence: the windshield wipers on his bus didn't work and he smashed his bus into a tree because he couldn't see in the rain. Ralph doesn't care that suing the company may cost him his job because he has other plans anyway--when he gets the money from the lawsuit he's going to buy a grocery store in Jersey City. A claims adjuster from the bus company comes and offers Ralph back pay for the time he missed while recuperating and complete payment of his medical bills, but Ralph refuses the offer. Instead, he has Norton call a lawyer, who tells Norton that Ralph has a can't-lose case. The lawyer comes to the Kramden apartment, and while he's asking Ralph questions he learns for the first time that Ralph was the driver of the bus, not a passenger. He tells Ralph about a city ordinance that requires a bus driver to be sure that all the safety equipment on his bus is working properly before taking the bus out of the depot. Ralph has no case after all, and, after kicking the adjuster out of the apartment, maybe no job either.
Running time: 15:08.
NOTES: Due to the deterioration of the film at the end of this episode, comedian & voice impressionist Joe Alaskey dubs for the voice of Jackie Gleason. There are apparently 2 additional episodes in which Alaskey dubs for Gleason.
Gleason was in a real leg cast in this episode. He broke his foot 9 weeks earlier doing a "Reggie" song & dance number.
This was remade as "Lawsuit" (1/4/1969).moreless
Ralph's been elected treasurer of the Raccoon Lodge--he won by promising to spend the Lodge's budget surplus on beer and hot dogs. On the way home from the lodge he loses the two hundred dollars he's supposed to deposit in the Raccoons bank account. The next day he meets Norton at Jerry's Lunch Room to figure out where he can get another two hundred dollars. He tries to make some of it back by playing pinball against a guy in the lunch room. Ralph rolls up a score that Norton says will put him in the Pinball Hall of Fame, but his opponent tops it with his first ball. As Ralph and Norton are leaving, Jerry gets a telephone call--a hot tip on Cigar Box, a horse running that afternoon at the track. Jerry closes the lunch room to go to the track, and Ralph figures the horse must be a sure thing. He and Norton go to the track, hoping to win two hundred dollars. When the odds on Cigar Box start dropping, Ralph goes around dissuading people from betting on the horse. He and Norton split up, and Norton tells one man who's going to bet Cigar Box that he's the horse's owner, and that the horse can't win. Norton tells him to bet Happy Feet instead. Ralph bumps into the same man, who tells Ralph Cigar Box won't win because his owner just told him the horse is in the race only for a workout. Ralph bets Happy Feet instead, and then finds out Cigar Box's "owner" is Norton. Ralph rips up his ticket in despair. The race begins and Cigar Box leads the pack by a mile. Suddenly Happy Feet charges in front and wins the race, sending Ralph and Norton scrambling to the floor for the ripped-up ticket.
Running time: 38:43.
This was remade as "Two for the Money" (10/7/1967).moreless
A fortune teller tells Ralph he will murder someone. A terrified Ralph moves in with Norton so his pal can keep an eye on him.
Running time: 34:51.
NOTE: This was remade as "Sees All, Knows All"(4/22/1967).
The Kramdens and Nortons have just been to the movies. Alice tells Ralph that she wishes he would be more like Ronald Coleman. Ralph replies that he'd be more like Coleman if Alice was more like Lana Turner. Then Alice says that she liked the other actress in the movie better, but can't remember her name. Ralph can't remember her name either and now he can't sleep until he thinks of the name. All the noise keeps Ed awake and he comes down to see what's going on. He can't remember her name either so he leans out the window trying to read the sign on the theater. A cop comes to the door and tells Ralph that if the noise doesn't stop, he's going to wind up in front of a judge. That's it! says Ralph. Arline Judge is the dame's name. Ralph and Alice sing the duet "One Of These Days, Pow Right In The Kisser".
Running time: 8:21.
NOTE: This is a remake of "What's Her Name?" (3/21/1953).moreless
Uncle George from Pittsburgh is in town and Alice has invited him to dinner. Ralph has other plans: He and Norton have front-row seats at the fights. Alice is especially fond of Uncle George because he's been generous with the Kramdens. Among other things, he once bought them a refrigerator that Ralph later sold. Ralph could care less. He says, "I'm not missing the best fight of the year!" Alice answers, "You try and walk out that door and you'll be in the best fight of the year! " Uncle George arrives before Ralph can get out of the house, so Ralph tries to get rid of him by faking a backache. Norton walks in on the middle of Ralph's act and is taken in by it too. Not wanting to go to the fight alone, he offers Ralph's ticket to Uncle George.
Running time: 10:52.moreless
Two con men pull a scam on Ralph as he sits in the park eating his lunch. One poses as the inventor of a miracle hair restorer and the other as an unscrupulous businessman trying to buy the formula. The second man "gets rough" with the smaller one and Ralph intervenes and chases off the larger man. The "inventor," Prof. Steinhardt, tells Ralph about his hair restorer and lets Ralph talk him into selling him exclusive rights to sell the formula in New York. Ralph races home for the money, but Alice won't give it to him because of his dismal track record with guaranteed get-rich-quick schemes. Norton hears the whole fight and comes downstairs for a ringside seat. Ralph figures he can get three hundred dollars against his life-insurance policy, and invites Norton to become his partner for a two-hundred-dollar investment. Norton says no--he's still smarting from the beating he took on the shoe polish that glows in the dark. He finally gives in--before he came down Trixie bet him a quarter he would--and KramNor's Miracle Restorer is born. Steinhardt arrives with the formula and the ingredients and Ralph and Norton begin mixing a batch. Mr. Mitchell, traffic manager at the bus company, drops by to tell Ralph he has to take another driver's shift. Ralph tells Mitchell--who's half bald--about KramNor's, but Mitchell is skeptical. Ralph offers him a free treatment that not only doesn't grow hair but kills most of what Mitchell had. Ralph and Norton go to the park to try to pull the scam on another sucker. The guy they pick isn't interested in the formula because he's got an invention of his own he's trying to market--an electric zipper. Ralph forgets all about unloading KramNor's and wonders how much money he can make selling zippers.
Running time: 37:31.
NOTE: This was remade as "Hair to a Fortune" (9/16/1967).moreless