The IT Crowd (UK)

Roy: Moss? Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine? Moss: Yes. Roy: You turned it off? Moss: Oh I'm fairly sure I did. Roy: Because, you remember what happened last time, right? Moss: Yes. That was very funny. Roy: Well no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died. Moss: Right. No. I was thinking of a different incident. The one on the golf course. Roy: What? I'm talking about the fire. Moss: Oh yeah, fire, sorry. I always get mixed up between golf and fire.

Roy: I don't know why they just couldn't keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911? Moss: You mean 999. Roy: I mean 999! Moss: That's the American one, you berk.

Denholm: In the time I've been speaking, over eighty million people have died of stress! (waits a moment) (snaps his fingers) Denholm: There's another one!

Moss: Well that's easy to remember. 0118 999 881 999 119 725... 3.

Roy: Denholm's called a general. Jen: Oh God, another one?!? Roy: Yep. Moss: I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring war. Denholm: I'm declaring war!

Denholm: What am I declaring war on? Stress! Stress is a disease, people, and I am the cure. I'm a doctor with a cure. No I'm not. I'm a general and it's still a war. A war on disease. Stress! (everyone is startled and jumps)

Denholm: Say I hate stress! Roy: (mumbling) I hate stress Denholm: No! You didn't let me finish. Say I hate stress. I want to limit its influence in my life. What can I do about it?

Denholm: A bath!?! Get a bike. I cycle to work every day 70 miles. (pointing to the inside of this thighs) Both here and here are as red as a fire engine.

Denholm: Oh, by the way, anyone still experiencing stress by the end of the day... will be fired!

Dr. Julian Holmes: So, let's move on. Roy: Woah! Ahhh, I actually haven't had a proper go yet [on the stress meter] and I don't think that should count, what's happened there. Moss: (raising his hand in the air) Actually I don't think that's fair. I would like a go and I think Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady (pointing to the lady).

Jen: (noticing Roy and Moss staring at how weird she is walking in her new shoes) The shoes-ah! Moss: What was all that about? Roy: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad. Moss: It's a bit sexist isn't it? Roy: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes? Moss: No, but I only know one woman. And she just left the room shouting "The shoes-ah!"

Moss: (after attempting to dial the new emergency services number) Hello. Is this the Emergency Services? (pause) Then which country am I speaking to?

(There is a fire in the office and Moss decides to send an e-mail to Emergency Services) Moss: "Subject: Fire. Dear Sir stroke Madam: I'm writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal. (Moss deletes what he typed) Moss: "Dear Sir stroke Madam: Fire. Exclamation mark. Fire. Exclamation mark. Help me. Exclamation mark. 123 Clarandon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Denholm: (to the Japanese translator) Please thank Yamamoto san for this fine ceremonial sword. It is a magnificent symbol of our new merger. (He pauses for the translator to translate) I am sorry that my gift, a huge pair of Doc Martins with extremely thick and heavy soles, is so paltry in comparison.

Jen: (after having screamed profanity at Mr Yamamoto) I am so sorry Denholm. Denholm: That was quite a tirade Jen. It would have been even worse had Paul not been so quick on the "Profanity Buzzer."

Denholm: Shouting at Japs, mad feet, both classic signs of stress. And you know how I feel about stress.

Jen: Oh I'm in real trouble. I'm in real trouble. Help me get my shoes on. I've got to get my shoes on. Help me get my shoes on before Denholm comes. Roy: Denholm's coming?!? Jen: Yeah and he's going to fire (finally noticing the fire in the office) fire, FIRE!

Jen: I hate to remind everyone, but I just destroyed a merger that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire and Denholm is furious, so can we please, please concentrate on what's important. And help me on with my shoes!

Moss: I can't go to prison, Roy, they'll rape the flip out of me!

Roy: (referring to Denholm) You stall him by the door. Jen: How? Roy: I don't know! Use your womanly ways. (Jen positions herself in the doorway) Roy: Okay Moss, pass me that monitor, the broken one. Denholm: (pointing at Jen) There you are! Jen: (in a deeper voice) Hello there. Denholm: It's no use being womanly with me Jen. You're in big trouble (as he pushes right past her).

Denholm: (talking to Jen) You understand that this is your last chance. If the needle goes beyond here (motions to the stress meter) you will be fired. Does that make you feel stressed? Jen! Does it? No? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?

Denholm: (holding a yellow balloon) See this balloon Jen? I'm going to burst it. But I'm not going to tell you when. Do you feel stressed Jen? Jen? Jen? Look at that! (turns the balloon to display the words "JEN'S PEACE OF MIND") That's your peace of mind and it's going to go bang. Do you feel stressed now!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Do you!? (he looks at the stress meter) Evidently not. Well done Jen. You're not being fired by me at this precise moment.

Roy: I don't know if it's the loss of blood, or the melting plastic from the monitor, but I feel great.