The IT Crowd Season 3 Episode 5

Jen: So. You remember what to do?
Moss: Big you up to the max.
Jen: By?
Moss: Listing your fictional achievements.
Jen: And?
Moss: Saying how lucky I am to have met you and talking about our sweet sex life.
Jen: Maybe not the last one. We don't want to sound too smug.
Moss: Hey. If I'm pretending to be married, I'm pretending to be sexually active.

Roy: Why didn't you just not accept her as a friend?
Moss: What? Are you an animal? I can't turn down a friend request from my mum.

Roy: Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap it on with a trowel.
Jen: (as she applies more lipstick) Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?
Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Jen: (about Friendface) You can catch up on old friends. You can flirt with people.
Moss: I think I've got better things to do than talk to friends and flirt with people, thank you very much.
Jen: You can play Scrabble online with it.
Roy: It's just another way of shoving advertising in your face, Jen. Don't do it. You'll regret it.
Jen: It might be a great way to meet women. All the girls on 7 are on it.
Moss: I'm in!
Jen: What?
Moss: I've joined.
Roy: That was quick.
Jen: It's what you said about Scrabble. I'm in a game now.
Roy: I'm in!
Jen: What?
Roy: I've joined.
Jen: What about the advertising?
Roy: Oh advertising doesn't have any effect on me, Jen, I tune it out.

Deline: What do you do Moss?
Moss: I'm a professional tennis player.
Jen: Yeah, he doesn't like talking about it though.
Moss: I do.
Terry: Where do you play?
Moss: Where don't I play?
Deline: Wimbledon?
Moss: I don't play there.
Terry: Are you seeded Moss?
Moss: Bit of a personal question Terry, but yes I'm highly seeded. We have two lovely children Zenith and Quasar.

Moss: (discussing Jen) I loved this world-traveled high earner. A woman in the living room, a chef in the kitchen, a prostitute in the bedroom.

Jen: Roy, do you have any attractive, successful looking friends?
Roy: No.
Jen: What, none at all?
Roy: No.
Jen: Oh God, well maybe you could help me then.
Roy: Wow, that's flattering.