The Joe Schmo Show Season 2 Episode 5

Cammy: (in "Porked and Beans") It seems to be turned on, but I'm not getting any.

Ingrid: At one point, I thought this was a big con. They're really still trying to punk me, aren't they?

Amanda: And then the models next and that was also something I never need to experience again.

T.J.: Lick it like you lick it!
Amanda: (interview) What am I doing here? Why am I here?

Gerald: Fans in the stands, let me see those hands.
Tim: He was a good cheerleader.

Tim: I can't believe that Bryce is gone and we're still talking about him.

Tim: Did you say that you gave it a donut?
Cammy: He's not eating anything else.
Tim: Yeah, that thing's dead in about 48 hours.
Piper: Oh, stop, it is not.
Tim: Everett's the next one to get evicted.

Cammy: (discussing Everett) He wasn't eating the crickets, so I asked for a donut. I gave him a maple bar.

Tim: It's like, all right, Christmas...
Eleanor: Christmas is cancelled!
Tim: No, not cancelled. It's just postponed. It's postponed.

Gerald: It was announced that Ingrid's grandfather has passed away, which is astoundingly uncanny because this is about the fourth reality show this has happened on this year alone.

Derek: Just when you've all gotten comfortable, the Grim Reaper of Change makes an appearance. It's time for another Falcon Twist.

Tim: (regarding Eleanor) I want to shake her and say "stop being so sensitive" because sensitivity is-is-is a turn-off for me.

Derek: Love. It's why we're all here. But tonight, one of you will be cut off from love's rich caviar and force-fed rejection's week-old cod.