Douglas 'Doug' Steven Heffernan
Deacon: You are messed up.
Doug: How am I messed up?
Deacon: Carrie tells ya, you have to lose weight, which is like, come on. And you tell her she has to work on her forehead? How do you work on a forehead?
Doug: Hey, I had to eat baby carrots at the movies!
Doug: Have ya ever felt bad about yourself so ya tell Kelly that there are things wrong with here, just to, ya know, hurt her.
Deacon: You're asking me if I mentally abuse my wife?
Deacon: No, I don't.
Doug: Uh, me either.
Carrie: (talking about Mr. Safety) Dad, how is a legless doll gonna protect me on the subway?
Arthur: Why are you being so difficult? I'm tryin' to save your life!
Carrie: So, you really think I wear too much make-up?
Doug: Like, if we're going out for burgers. I'll throw on a pair of sweatpants and a baseball hat. You look like you're going to the opera. (Carrie nods) Or you're in the opera.
Carrie: I guess it wouldn't kill me if you lose a little weight.
Doug: Ah-ha! How much weight would it 'not kill ya' for me to lose?
Carrie: I don't know... fifty pounds?
(Carrie walks in on Doug looking at a book of old photos of himself)
Carrie: Hey, babe, what are you doin'?
Doug: Looking at myself in various stages of fatness. Look at this, come here. Watch this, you can actually see me gaining weight. (Doug flips through photos) Aaaand, there goes my neck.
(Carrie walks in with an Orange Julius cup)
Doug: Oh, Orange Julius. (attempts to take a drink, but there's none left in the cup) Okay, honey, I told you before. If it's empty by the time you get home, leave the cup in the car, don't come here showboatin' with it.
Carrie: It's breakfast, and you're eating a piece of candy?
Doug: It's dessert.
Carrie: There is no dessert with breakfast.
Doug: Maybe not where you live.
Carrie: Of course I still love you. I love you no matter what.
Doug: What does that mean, "no matter what?"
Carrie: Nothing, just that I love you.
Doug: No. "No matter what" means you love me even though I have some sort of problem, like no job, or no money, or BIGGIE CAN'T FIT THROUGH DOORWAY!
Doug: So, why are you buying me clothes at the Big & Tall store anyway?
Carrie: Well, you know...
Doug: No...let me break it to you this way Carrie, I'm certainly not tall!
Doug: I'm 5'9".
Arthur: Ironic, isn't it. The only person Mr. Safety couldn't protect was himself.
Doug: (watching Gilligan's Island) Oh, my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper.
The German episode title is "Die Nulldiät", meaning "Starvation Diet".
Though credited, Patton Oswalt does not appear in this episode.
Song: "Superfreak" by Rick James
Series co-creator David Litt later named his production company "Fatty McButterpants Productions."
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