The King of Queens Season 3 Episode 3

Doug: Have ya ever felt bad about yourself so ya tell Kelly that there are things wrong with here, just to, ya know, hurt her.
Deacon: You're asking me if I mentally abuse my wife?
Doug: Yeah.
Deacon: No, I don't.
Doug: Uh, me either.

Carrie: (talking about Mr. Safety) Dad, how is a legless doll gonna protect me on the subway?
Arthur: Why are you being so difficult? I'm tryin' to save your life!

Carrie: So, you really think I wear too much make-up?
Doug: Like, if we're going out for burgers. I'll throw on a pair of sweatpants and a baseball hat. You look like you're going to the opera. (Carrie nods) Or you're in the opera.

Carrie: I guess it wouldn't kill me if you lose a little weight.
Doug: Ah-ha! How much weight would it 'not kill ya' for me to lose?
Carrie: I don't know... fifty pounds?
Doug: Fifty!?

(Carrie walks in on Doug looking at a book of old photos of himself)
Carrie: Hey, babe, what are you doin'?
Doug: Looking at myself in various stages of fatness. Look at this, come here. Watch this, you can actually see me gaining weight. (Doug flips through photos) Aaaand, there goes my neck.

(Carrie walks in with an Orange Julius cup)
Doug: Oh, Orange Julius. (attempts to take a drink, but there's none left in the cup) Okay, honey, I told you before. If it's empty by the time you get home, leave the cup in the car, don't come here showboatin' with it.