Opening Teaser: Mark's friend Gomey is a security guard. He's watching the security camera monitors, where he gets to see two people making out. He calls Mark to share his excitement.
Tina knocks on the door of her own house. Bette opens it. Tina announces that she's decided to stay in the guest room until she finds her own place. Bette says, "Welcome home." But Tina answers, "I'm not home." She then tells Bette that she's gained some weight. Bette just tells her that she doesn't care. This annoys Tina; she thinks Bette is beyond the point of caring about her anymore. But Bette explains that what she really meant is that she's just happy to see Tina back home, in "our house". Tina doesn't listen and just walks away.
At Mark's place, Gomey is showing him the "fuck tape" from the security camera. Mark's not interested; he says he's working on a new project, but is not ready to talk about it yet.
Jenny and Shane are strutting down a sidewalk. Jenny has a new haircut. As they walk, a woman checks Jenny out. Shane laughs and tells Jenny, "You just got cruised." Jenny tells her that she loves her new haircut and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
Tina's taking a bath. There's a knock at the door. She quickly scoops up some bubbles to cover her. Bette's there to give Tina some fresh towels. As Bette leaves, Tina says there's something they need to talk about, maybe later, if Bette will be home tonight. Bette says, "I will be if you want me to be." She leaves the room.
Mark is talking to his camera, explaining that he hasn't "hit it" yet with his roommates because they're "real lesbians". He pauses and declares himself "fuckin' lame".
Bette is at her office. James knocks on the door and enters the room. She lays out a new plan for James, regarding Tina's apartment hunt. She wants him to "take his time" and that Tina moved back in with her but it's only temporary – at least that's what Tina thinks. James concludes: "So you want us to take our time looking but still help Tina look but not really look too hard."
Jenny and Shane arrive home and walk right into another surprise video shoot. Mark starts talking as fast as he can, trying to explain his new project, which is apparently supposed to educate the world in the ways of lesbianism. Shane and Jenny start eating bagels while he talks on. Jenny – with her lips moving – says "I think that there's a lot of I's contradicting the we's in your run-on sentence." Mark gets to the point: "Just think how educational this is going to be for people who don't know anything about people like you." He finally offers them $20 per interview and tells them that it's not going to be one of those "lesbians gone wild" movies, which seems to convince Jenny. Shane just says they'll think about it.
Dana, Tonya, and Alice are shopping for bachelorette party favors. Alice is inspecting dildos, while Tonya picks up the biggest one she can find and starts to swirl it around. She then picks up a chocolate penis lollipop, and proceeds to demonstrate her technique. Dana is giggling, but Alice looks like she's about to throw up. Dana gets embarrassed and pleads with Tonya to stop it. Tonya tells Alice that obviously Dana is not a fan. She offers the lollipop to Alice and tells her, meanly, that "this is a little more up your alley". Alice grabs a chocolate nipple lollipop and says: "Actually, Tonya, this might be a little more up my alley." They start getting into a catfight, but Dana interrupts and asks Alice: "Which one would you rather put in your mouth, Al?" Alice glares at Dana. Tonya says that she doesn't understand bisexuals: "Make up your minds already". As Tonya drags Dana out of the store, Alice grabs the nipple lollipop and, rebelliously, takes a bite.
Mark is interviewing Shane and Jenny. Shane has a weird look on her face. Mark wants to know what the primary sex act for lesbians is, and by that he means whatever act parallels the "fucking" that straight couples do. He thinks that it's not possible that lesbians can fuck. That pisses Shane off. As she walks away, she says, "Where do you live, Mark? It's entirely possible." He keeps talking to Jenny. Shane comes back with a cigarette in her hand. She passes it to Jenny, tells Mark not to be so aggressive because it's embarrassing, and leaves. Mark sits down on the couch next to Jenny and talks to his camera again. Then he hands Jenny a release form to sign. She just ignores it and gets up.
Tina is listening to NPR and eating dinner as Bette comes in. Tina says she made too much food and asks Bette if she wants some. Bette tells her that she looks great, that she's "kind of... glowing." Just as Tina decides it's a good moment to tell Bette something, Bette ruins the moment by starting to complain about the worst day she's had because of Helena Peabody. As they both sit down, Bette asks Tina about the thing she wanted to talk to her about this morning. Tina just answers that it was nothing, and continues to pick at her food, having lost her appetite.
Later, when Tina is already in bed, there's a knock at the door. It's Bette. She's popping her head into the guest room to wish Tina good night, and to apologize for being so distracted at dinner. She hopes that Tina will feel like talking to her tomorrow; Tina thinks that maybe she will.
The next morning, Alice is at The Planet. As she sees Bette and Tina walking toward her together, she happily leaps to conclusions, jumps out of her chair, pulling them into a hug and saying "This is great!" But Bette tells her it's not quite that great yet. Tina tells her that she's just staying at Bette's until she finds a place of her own. Alice hugs them again repeatedly saying that this is good. Bette says she's on her way to see Kit, and as she leaves, she motions to Alice from behind Tina's back – it's a little pointy-finger-and-facial-expression combo that says "Lookee! That's Tina! She's here! She's speaking to me! She's home!" Tina turns around and almost sees the gesture, so Bette pretends to fuss with her hair instead. Alice asks Tina whether she and Bette really aren't together, "'cause you look like you are." Tina says, "Well, let's just say I'm not ruling it out." But then Alice wants to know how Bette feels about the pregnancy. Tina has to confess that she hasn't told Bette yet. Alice can't understand how Bette still doesn't know – Tina's already showing. Tina just tells her that it's always been one of their problems; "Bette's pretty wrapped up in herself. She doesn't always see what's right in front of her." Alice insists that Tina tell Bette. Tina just nods and sighs.
In Kit's office, Bette meets Benjamin. He tells her a little about T.O.E., and she tries not to laugh. Bette listens and watches as Benjamin and Kit talk like crazy cult people. Benjamin wants Bette to attend the advanced seminar. Bette's not really into it but seeing Kit's expression, she promises to consider it.
At her place. Shane and Carmen talk. Carmen wants to know if Jenny is always so weird. Shane reminds Carmen that she kissed Jenny. She wants Carmen to give Jenny another chance. Carmen gives Shane a dazzling smile, and then gets really close to her and says, "Don't try to hook me up." As Carmen leaves, Shane just sits there and thinks.
Veronica Bloom is trying to buy someone's story for a picture deal. She needs someone "relatively human" to talk to the intended victim, so of course she's asked Shane to come along. As they walk toward the limo, Veronica refers to Shane as "hair girl". Shane says, "fuck you" and saunters off, so Veronica follows behind in her limo, and calls after Shane. She calls her like a dog. Shane stops.
Bette is at her computer. James talks about apartment hunting with Tina. Bette interrupts him and says, "The fucking Peabody Foundation hasn't awarded us a single fucking penny. They've pulled our funding." They look at the computer together, scrolling down the list to see their name come up – but it doesn't. Reaching the very bottom of the page, Bette realizes that "Tina got a Peabody."
Back at the Headquarters for Social Justice, Tina and her co-workers are thrilled. But Tina is also worried, because she can see that the C.A.C. isn't on the Peabody list. She excuses herself and calls Bette. Bette is not friendly on the phone. She thinks that Tina went after the Peabody just because she wanted some sort of revenge. Bette gets upset, hangs up, throws the phone against the wall and screams "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck". Tina goes out to meet her co-workers, who have just heard that Helena Peabody is on her way over with a camera crew.
Shane, Veronica and her assistant walk up to the house of a woman whose life story will supposedly make a great film. The woman, Priscilla, used to be a prostitute. The Russian mob messed up her face, and she stared them down when they tried to mess with her daughter.
Helena arrives at the Headquarters for Social Justice. She tells Tina that the grant proposal brought tears to her eyes, and asks for the grand tour of the headquarters.
At Dana's place, Alice and Dana sitting on the floor preparing gift bags for the bachelorette party. They're flirting. This time it's taking the form of a game of "What did you think of me when you first met me?" Dana thought that Alice had great tits; Alice thought that Dana was a hottie. Dana gets up on her knees and starts to sort through the gift bags. She leans forward so that she's on all fours, and Alice can't help but look at the butt that is right in front of her. She tells Dana that she has a "really nice ass", and gently touches it. Alice pulls her by the back pocket; Dana turns around and they start kissing. They are trying to get Dana's pants off, but they are really tight. They continue kissing. Then Alice tries her luck again with the pants. As she finally gets them off, Dana falls backwards off the couch. They continue kissing and undressing. They move to the floor and start having sex. Alice asks for more, and then has to explain "more fingers". After all the sex, they are both sitting in front of the open refrigerator. Dana is blindfolded, and Alice feeds Dana whipped cream and strawberries. She squirts whipped cream down the front of Dana's tank top.
At Priscilla's place, Veronica and her assistant, Aaron, leave the room. Veronica tells Shane to stay with Priscilla. Priscilla asks Shane what she does for the movies, and Shane describes herself as a "hairstylist... and I guess I'm kind of Veronica's assistant too." Shane is nice, and admits that she used to "trick around Santa Monica Boulevard," and that's probably what clinches the deal. But Shane doesn't quite know what to say when Priscilla asks if Veronica is "okay". In the limo, Veronica barks about how brilliant they all are, because they closed the deal.
At the Headquarters for Social Justice, Helena is talking to one of Tina's co-workers. Tina walks in. Helena interrupts the interview she's doing, and saunters over to Tina. She asks Tina when her baby is due. Tina says she's at 14 weeks. Helena blurts, "Are you having twins?!" Seeing Tina's hurt expression, she realizes what she said and tries to patch things up by saying that Tina is beautiful and sexy, and that she didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. She then talks about her own kids, and reveals that she's separated from her partner. Tina tells Helena that she's also separated from her partner. Helena invites Tina to dinner, but Tina has a bachelorette party to go to. Tina's co-worker interrupts to say that Bette's there, and she's got flowers. Tina goes out to see Bette. Helena watches her leave. Tina's not happy to see Bette but Bette says she's "sorry that we fought". Tina says she's too busy for apologies right now, which annoys Bette, who was really hoping that Tina would offer an apology too. Helena interrupts at this perfectly tense moment. She mistakes Bette being there and doesn't realize that this is Tina's ex. Bette wants to know what's going on with Helena and her girlfriend, but Helena responds: "Tina doesn't seem to think she really is your girlfriend any longer." She also says that Tina shouldn't be dealing with this in her condition. Bette is totally clueless, and doesn't understand what that "condition" is.
Back at Dana's place, Alice and Dana are curled up in a chair, limbs strategically placed to hide their nakedness. They're kissing, lazily, sweetly, and long. Suddenly, they are interrupted as a key turns in the lock: Tonya is home with her parents. Dana and Alice scramble out of the chair. On the doorstep, Tonya's parents remind her to hide the stuffed teddy bear she's bought as a special gift for Dana. When Tonya and her mom finally make their entrance, Dana and Alice look like they've been diligently assembling gift bags for hours. Tonya introduces her mom, Dotty, who is even louder and more clueless than Tonya. Alice greets her with a wide-mouthed crazy-happy "hello". Tonya and her mom walk off to find a suitable place to display all the gifts they've bought – and Dana and Alice take the opportunity to unlock the handcuffs Alice is still wearing.
Jenny is sitting in her room thinking. She writes the word MONSTROSITY on a sheet of notebook paper. She's at the carnival again. This time Jenny looks like an innocent sweet thing, while everyone else around her has a scary pig-like face. Jenny's being disturbed by a knock at the door. It's Bette, wanting some sympathy and not knowing where else to turn. She wants to see Shane, but she's not home. Bette asks Jenny if she knew that Tina was pregnant. Jenny asks her, "How did you not know?" Bette blows up: "Because I'm just the biggest fuckin' asshole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I'm just some kind of huge cosmological joke, is what I am." She thinks that Tina must really hate her. Jenny tries to console Bette and tells her not to give up. Through her tears, Bette smiles and realizes that Jenny cut her hair. In Mark's room, Gomey and Mark watch the whole scene on a monitor – Gomey has convinced Mark to install hidden cameras in the house.
At the bachelorette party, Sharon and Dotty (Dana and Tonya's mothers) watch the strippers. Dotty enjoys it, while Sharon doesn't feel comfortable at all. Kit tells Sharon that it's time to make her toast. Sharon gives a moving, sincere toast. Alice walks in while Sharon is talking. When Dana and her mom hug after her toast, Alice gives Dana a look that says, "That could have been for us." Shane sees Alice react to the whole thing, and as she sees Alice start to walk out the door, Shane stops her. She says, "You did it, didn't you? You and Dana." Alice denies it at first, but then gives in.
Mark installs another camera in the house.
Carmen spins the song "Get On" by The Dirtmitts, as Bette and Jenny arrive. Jenny walks over to Shane. Shane tells her to go talk to Carmen. Jenny is nervous, but takes Shane's advice that it's "always a good idea to bring the DJ a drink." Jenny orders a beer, looks at Carmen and then says "oh faaahk".
Dana is standing by herself in the room. As Kit passes her, Dana asks her if she's seen Alice. Tonya sneaks up behind Dana and covers her eyes with her hands. Dana looks thoroughly unsure whether she's being accosted by Tonya or Alice. Tonya tells Dana it's time for her bachelorette lap dance. Dana says no, not with her mom there – not realizing that Sharon is now happily getting her own lap dance at that very moment, with Dotty egging her on.
Mark checks if all the cameras are working – there are nine altogether. He installed them in the bedrooms, too, but the bathroom is off limits because that "crosses a personal line for me".
Bette asks Shane and Alice how long they've known that Tina's pregnant. She then starts to babble desperately about how she thought that Tina being "overweight" could be a good thing, because it would mean that Tina was eating to cover her pain and was thus still in love with Bette, and it might make it harder for Tina to find someone else. Just then, Tina and Helena arrive. Bette orders a double. Kit comes by and asks Bette who the woman is that Tina brought to the party with her. When Bette tells her, she offers to ask Helena to leave, but Bette just shakes her head. Tina introduces Helena to Dana and Tonya. Helena has brought gifts, which she says are "from me and Tina". Bette has been watching the whole thing and, downing her drink, she strolls over to confront the new couple. Helena shakes Bette's hand and gives her an air kiss. She tries to pull back, but Bette doesn't exactly let go of her hand. Bette says the gifts are very generous. Helena explains that she might have overcompensated since she's the uninvited guest. Bette says that she's never been uninvited – she doesn't go where she's not wanted. Tina replies: "What makes you think Helena's not wanted?" Bette admits her defeat and walks away.
Mark talks to his camera again.
Alice happens to walk by Tonya at just the wrong time. She makes Alice give a very awkward toast: "Umm... uh... uh.... con... congratulations, you two. Uh... sorry, I'm a little... I've known Dana a long time, and um... I guess like most things that are right in front of your eyes, you don't see just how wonderful they are until they're gone. Um... Tonya... um... you are the luckiest woman on Earth. To my friend... what can I say? Um... congratulations. I love you, so... okay."
Jenny and Carmen are dancing. Shane watches them while doing shots, and then she walks away. Tina and Helena are on the dance floor; so are Tonya and Dana. Alice and Bette watch from a corner of the room. Alice suggests they leave and quit torturing themselves, but Bette has to do something. She offers a toast: "Dana, Tonya... I lift my glass to caring, and kindness and trust, and longevity, and respect... to all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive. I wish you... happiness. And I hope that you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible, then I wish you forgiveness." Tina watches Bette go and forgets all about Helena.
Shane takes a random girl to her place. On a monitor, Mark watches them make out on her bed.