Angus Partridge (Season 3-)
Moira/Max Sweeney (Season 3-)
In a black-and-white, film noir style scene, Jenny is standing outside a desolate apartment building while slow saxophone jazz plays in the background. She is shouting "Stacey!" up a flight of stairs.
The connection: Jenny tried to find Stacey Merkin, the Curve magazine reporter who gave her book a bad review. She found one S. Merkin in the phone book but it turned out to be an old Korean lady.
Jenny: Did you read the review?
Jenny: It was fundamentally dishonest so...
Alice: Oh yeah, I mean, yeah...
Alice: Lesbians, love to eat their own, it's true.
Nadia: (re: student/teacher relationships) I know at least 20 that would love to be with you.
Bette: That's very flattering.
Nadia: I hate that I'm just one of the pack.
Alice: (about Papi) I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but she was with Helena the same day, well, the morning of the night after...
Jenny: She fucked Helena right after she fucked you? Your roommate? That's so rude.
Alice: We never had that roommate rule talk. I'll give you mine. I'll start with me. Um, okay, I feel like this would be the boundary of your space, so anything in your space you're responsible for. And this would be my space, and anything in my space ... is mine! Um, which includes my office space, which I'll just kinda show you where that starts. (rolls Helena out of the way in her office chair) This is my office space, my work space. And I'm tidy. I'm a tidy person, and I like to keep this tidy. But then we have, you know, the kitchen would be our space... kind of spaces. And I feel like the untidy person should abide by the tidy person's rule. So, did you, um, did you have any?
Helena: Just that my Pratesi sheets, don't put them in the washing machine because...
Alice: Mm-hmm, we'll talk about that. (mutters) Sheets.
Alice: (at Tina's party) Thank god, you're here. We're totally outnumbered.
Bette: What do you mean?
Alice: Straight people.
Bette: Oh, Jesus.
Alice: (at Tina's party, they are all standing in a group off to the side) Alright guys, grace period's up... I'm going in.
Bette: Good luck.
Bette: My boss is attracted to you.
Bette: Yeah, she thinks that you two made a real connection. She says that you made meaningful eye contact with her, is that true?
Alice: (gasps) She thinks that I flirted with her? (laughs)
Bette: Alice, this isn't funny.
Alice: (amused) I know, I know.
Bette: No, no it's not. She wept in my arms because she's been unhappy for 25 years and now she's been dying to find out what she's been missing and she thinks that you sent her signals.
Alice: She really thinks that I sent her signals? Really?
Bette: Yes, and we have to do something about it. (Alice smirks) And we have to let her down easy. Alice, it's not funny.
Nadia: (seeing Bette rub her shoulder) Do you have a knot? Do you want me to unlock it?
Bette: Uh... it... it's OK. No, really, it's fine.
Nadia: (rubbing Bette's shoulders anyway) Oh, wow. You are really tight. God, do you feel that? It's right there.
Bette: (whispering) Nadia, please...
Nadia: Do you want me to find you a body worker? Because, oh my gosh, I have the most amazing Ayurvedic healer, and he, he went so deep--
Bette: I, uh, I'd prefer a woman.
(Bette's embarrassed and realizes what she just blurted out.)
Nadia: (a beat) Well. That can be arranged, Dean Porter.
Bette: I just need to find out, uh, what conferences CU has hosted. I know that we did the Global Sustainability last August --
Nadia: Where Dr. Gorsham sustained multiple hickeys from his two teaching assistants.
Bette: You mean he slept with both of them?
Nadia: Don't be shocked. It happens all the time.
Bette: Well, that doesn't make it acceptable.
Nadia: No, but we're all adults, Bette. I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university, it would be absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and students.
Principal Petersen: Does he have any allergies, any learning disabilities, psychological problems...?
Shane: (to Shay) Do you?
(Shay just shrugs.)
Shane: (to the principal) Nah, doubt it.
Jenny: Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist?
Helena: I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects.
Tina: (regarding Henry's house) Yeah, it's fine. I'd re-model it but I don't live here.
Bette: (deadpan) Yet.
Kit: (to Angus) Come on, butter boy, let's sliiiiide on outta here.
Bette: (speaking rapidly with a lowered voice) Girls, girls, OK, here's the deal: Phyllis Kroll, executive vice chancellor of California University, very accomplished, very dignified, very much my boss, I repeat, very much my boss. She's been married 25 years and is now at this relatively late date convinced she's a lesbian and is peeking out of the closet as we speak, so please please please be nice to her and try to talk to her and try not to make her feel like she's the oldest fucking lesbian on the planet. (gets up) Phyllis! Hi, it's good to see you.
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: (shoots tequila, exhales) Whew! (to Papi) Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: (looks down at herself) Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: So, what?
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh! Oh, okay. Well, I don't know exactly what we're competing for but, uh... You win! Nice to meet 'ya.
Brad: Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright?
Bette: An honest homophobe, how nice.
Tina: Bette, don't get into it.
Bette: No, I... I understand Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?
Woman at Party: Your daughter is adorable.
Bette: (looking at Angelica's picture) Thank you.
Woman: What would you do if one day she decided to that she wanted to live with her father?
Tina: We don't call him the father; we call him the donor.
Music Featured in This Episode:
- Alice by Yael & the Palmtrees
- Money Trouble by Annie Hayden
- Our Love by Rhett Miller
- Hey Kids by David Usher
- Secret Love by Kathy Kirby
- Shake a Leg by Margaret Lewis
- La Resa Dei Conti (a.k.a Sixty Seconds to What), composed by Ennio Morricone, from the 1966 movie The Big Gundown
- Shake a Leg by Margaret Lewis
- Reconsider Me by Margaret Lewis
- Ooh La La by Goldfrapp
- Limozine by RTX
- Sugar and Spring by Edible Red
- Never Learn to Cry by The Rogers Sisters
- Complicated by The Cliks
Cybill Shepherd is credited as a Special Guest Star.
Shots of Janina Gavankar (Papi) have been added to the opening credits. There are still two occasions in which a as-of-yet unseen character is facing away from the camera.
Jenny: (playing Celebrity) I don't know who Terrell Owens is.
(All the straight people laugh and all the gay people draw blanks.)
Henry: Football player.
Straight Guy: He's the most talented receiver in football.
Straight Girl: And he appeared with a "Desperate Housewife" in a commercial. She dropped her towel.
Helena: The desperate... what?
Terrell Owens is a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. In November 2004, he appeared in a controversial TV skit with actress Nicollette Sheridan of ABC's hit dramedy/soap Desperate Housewives. The FCC received complaints that the commercial was sexually suggestive as it had Ms. Sheridan's on-screen character Edie coming on to Mr. Owens and dropping her towel.
A Streetcar Named Desire
The B&W opening teaser is an homage to the 1951 movie A Streetcar Named Desire. In the movie, the leading male character, Stanley Kowalski (played by Marlon Brando) is screaming "Stella!" to get his wife Stella (Kim Hunter) to come to the window.
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