Opening Teaser: The captioning reads. "Los Angeles, California – This Morning". Jenny and Carmen are taking a shower. Jenny gets out of the shower to pee. Carmen follows her and says she has to pee, too. Jenny will be done in just a sec. But Carmen's impatient, sits on Jenny's lap facing her, and says, "I want you to spread your legs". Meanwhile, Mark's standing outside the bathroom wondering what's taking so long – he has to go too. Shane walks by, knocks on the bathroom door, and asks the girls to let Mark in. No one answers, so Shane barges in, and is flabbergasted by what she sees. She goes back outside and tells Mark to use the bushes.
Mark is showing his footage to the producer. Mark's "documentary" is called A Compendium of Lesbianism (Volume I), and it takes everything out of context. Carmen de la Pica Morales gives the story of her first love, whom she stole from a guy. Dana and Alice stare at the camera, and Dana says ,"I'm Dana. Fairbanks". Dana tries to introduce Alice, but stumbles over her last name. Then Alice is seen saying, "I don't miss it. No, there's ways and things. Ha ha." Dana hides in embarrassment. The producer doesn't like Mark's attempt at artistry and threatens him with breach of contract because the contract calls for pussy, not anthropology.
Alice and Dana are in bed together. Alice wants to know whether Dana's thought about it yet. Dana says, "Oh, you mean the sex toys", as Alice takes off Dana's boots and socks in a slow, sexy way. Dana asks Alice if it's a bisexual thing to "have your cake and eat your pussy too". Alice says that it's not. Dana is relieved because she doesn't want Alice to try to make her into a man because there's something missing. Alice just thinks that it would be really hot if Dana fucked her like that.
Tina is in bed, half asleep. She wakes up because she hears Helena talking. She is on the phone, asking Winnie why she thinks any judge would give her the kids when they've got the option of being with their rich mum who can give them many more opportunities. As Helena hangs up the phone, Tina pretends to be asleep. Helena wakes her up and asks how she is. Tina says she's looking forward to the ultrasound. Helena wants to know what time she should pick Tina up but Tina says that she's going with Bette. Helena has to pretend that's fine and then suggests that Tina come by afterwards. Tina says that the doctor's office is close to her apartment, so Helena should just go by there for a change. Helena says she'll call Tina when she's on her way over and they can go out for dinner.
Shane's at a photo shoot but doesn't know why she's there. Someone has hired her. The assistant says, "The story's about the most powerful women in Hollywood." This means Veronica Bloom, who's screaming at somebody in the background.
Kit and Bette are at The Planet. Kit is talking about Benjamin again. He's going to arrive tomorrow, check in at the hotel, and then meet Kit. Bette asks: "So he's not staying with you?" She's worried that Kit might get hurt because Benjamin is married. Kit says Benjamin's not even on tour, he's just there to see her. Bette gets up to go to the ultrasound, and Kit asks for "one of those x-ray pictures of the baby".
Veronica Bloom is talking about being on a magazine cover. Shane still doesn't know why she's there – she says, "Don't fuck with me, Veronica", but Veronica thinks she's just seeing Shane's potential and giving her a chance. Shane thinks that Veronica mistook her for one of her little tricks who would let her slap them around and be grateful for the privilege of taking her shit. Veronica asks: "What about the possibility that I'm right about you? That you really are better than this life you're living?" Shane tells her that whatever it is Veronica is looking for in her doesn't exist. Veronica then asks Shane to do her hair. Shane just says "No, thank you", and walks off.
Jenny and Charlotte are at a restaurant. Charlotte thinks Jenny is still the right ghost writer for Burr. Charlotte asks for another drink, and Jenny orders a Chardonnay. Charlotte explains why Jenny and Burr are perfect for each other: "You are a compulsive excavator of your own emotional navel lint." She thinks that Jenny is a "nit-picking obsessive truth-teller. And Burr could stand a bit of literary pediculosis." Apparently that hits home so Charlotte jokingly says, "Are we self-loathing body mutilators as well?" Jenny says "of course" and Charlotte can't wait to read "about that one" in one of Jenny's stories. Jenny just snickers at her. Charlotte gets serious and says Jenny really must work with Burr, because Jenny has a gift for telling the details of a life lived – even if they are the details of a homophobe. Burr shows up and joins the two of them at their table.
Dana and Alice are shopping at a sex toy shop. Well, Alice is shopping, and Dana is wearing shades and pretending she's not really there. An over-helpful salesperson shows up and starts talking about diameters and realism. Alice notices a double-ended vibrator. The salesperson says those are very popular. The salesperson continues to point out the options, which have names like King Kong and Tyrannosaurus Rex, and come in many colors, including hot pink and combination marble swirl and disco glitter. Some of them even come in camouflage to which Dana says: "In case you're screwing in a war zone." Alice and Dana both agree that the ones that come with hairy balls are "just wrong". Dana picks up a small flesh-colored object and does a Fonzie thumbs-up heeeeyyyy thing, until the salesperson tells her it's a butt plug. It's a whole new world for Dana. Then it's time to talk about lube, but Alice thinks she's allergic to the kind the salesperson offers. This bugs Dana, who wants to know what Alice hasn't done already. Alice says, "I haven't done lots of things. I wanna do them with you." A couple of customers come in, and Dana recognizes one of them, so she turns up her collar and puts on her sunglasses. Alice couldn't care less and goes off to browse the cock rings.
Bette and Tina are at the ultrasound appointment. Bette says, "Oh, it's like she's waving at us! Look!" and the takes Tina's hand.
Jenny doesn't like the idea of Burr "tolerating" her because it implies that there's something unacceptable about being gay. Burr says it's perfectly acceptable for "a girl these days", but still a problem for men. Charlotte says nobody gives a shit anymore, and hints that Burr has nothing to lose. Burr says he's only speaking hypothetically, and threatens Charlotte with a lawsuit. He tells Charlotte to fuck off (in a friendly way), gives her a smooch, and leaves. Jenny follows Burr out to the sidewalk and tells him she agrees with him about the double standard. He appreciates this, and also enjoys it when Jenny says Charlotte is an asshole and that she's not god. Unfortunately, Charlotte is right behind her: "I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jenny." In response, Jenny just says "faaahhkk". Burr tells Jenny to come over the next day and get to ghost writing his memoirs.
Bette is helping Tina put away the groceries. Bette. They're both all gooey and grinny as they talk about the ultrasound. Tina says, "Come here," and they hug each other. Bette says that Tina feels good, to which Tina replies that Bette smells good. Tina starts kissing Bette. Very slowly and gently they start making out.
Shane is giving Mark a haircut while he rambles on about almost asking Shane to hook him up with Veronica Bloom (for film purposes only) before everything went to hell. There's a knock at the door; it's Carmen. Shane says Jenny's at work, but Carmen's there to see Shane. Mark makes an excuse and runs off to watch the scene unfold on the hidden camera. Shane admits that she's having a hard time with the Carmen/Jenny stuff. Carmen says she and Jenny are just biding their time until the real deal comes along. Shane asks: "You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal?" Carmen replies: "No. Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass. She is so lost in her own darkness." Carmen insists that she and Shane have had the real deal since the first time they laid eyes on each other, and Shane just kind of nods.
As Bette leaves Tina's apartment, they agree that what just happened doesn't mean they're back together. Tina says, "Let's not let it mess everything up." Bette replies that it won't and leaves.
Carmen tells Shane that she's not living her life, that if she doesn't take any risks she might as well be dead.
Helena shows up at Tina's and realizes that Tina's not ready to go out for dinner. Tina wants to stay home and asks Helena if she has a problem with staying at her place. They kiss and Tina pretty much attacks Helena, and repeatedly says, "I want to fuck", and it's enough to freak even Helena out. Tina thinks maybe Helena just doesn't like her apartment, or needs to be in control all the time. Tina starts to go on about Helena needing an audience, and screams out the doors to tell the neighbors they're about to have sex and everyone's invited to watch. Helena says that this seems to be a case of hormones raging out of control. She finally decides to go but Tina wants her to stay. Helena thinks that Tina needs to be alone and leaves. Tina starts crying.
Bette is telling her therapist about the sex, and is wondering whether the friendship she was forging with Tina is now all fucked up, and what it all means. She doesn't know if she wants to get back together with Tina. The therapist wants to know how it felt having sex with Tina. Bette says that it was "fucking amazing". I was like she had her life back "for just one second, and it was also really sad" because she's lost Tina – she doesn't belong to her anymore. Bette admits that she always treated Tina gingerly, and that Tina's not even a little bit fragile now, and it was all kind of shocking. Of course she knows that's a good thing: "It just means she doesn't need me anymore."
Dana's just got out of her car. She's walking tall, going right into the sex toy shop.
Jenny knocks on Mark's door. She needs the Burr Connor DVDs that he borrowed. He's not home, but she goes right in and snoops around. She finds a tape labeled "Shane/Carmen love confession".
At the C.A.C., Bette is talking to a female artist. Helena walks in, and overhears Bette saying that she wants to commission Allyn Barnes for another piece but they'd have to do fund raising for it. Helena offers to increase the C.A.C.'s budget; she doesn't want money to be a deciding factor on any creative decision. Bette doesn't want to show Helena the budget without showing it to the whole board. Helena doesn't like to work like this. But Bette says that it's the only way she can work. Helena says, "I'm just going to sit here and listen for a while."
Jenny's watching the tape and can't believe what she's seeing.
Helena calls Tina and commands her to come over to the beach house tonight. Tina asks if she's sure she wants her over – what if she has "some sort of hormonal fit"? She also says Helena needs to understand that Tina's not a toy or a raging hormonal lunatic. Helena understands, and Tina agrees to see her later that day.
Burr is working out. Jenny walks down the stairs, watches Burr and cries. When Burr is done with his workout, he tells her to "come on over". They sit down and Burr realizes something is wrong. He goes over to her and gives her a hug, despite her protests that everything's fine and she just has bad hay fever.
Kit is trying to make everything perfect for Benjamin. Her cell phone rings – Benjamin's got a family thing going on and is not able to come. Kit is tempted by the bottle of wine on the table.
Helena's preparing a feast. Tina has brought flowers, and is impressed that Helena's got such great culinary skills. Helena offers Tina a sip of wine. They sit down on the couch. Tina protests when Helena starts to give her a foot massage, because she doesn't "deserve it". Helena says that's the wrong way to think about it. She should think that she's entitled to it.
Ivan is leading an AA group. Kit shows up and tells her story about being stood up and wanting the wine, and really just wanting someone who will listen. That's why she came to the meeting. Ivan says that she's glad that Kit came. Afterwards, Ivan takes Kit to a strip club, and sees her "gal", Iris, who's a dancer. They kiss each other. Kit sits with Ivan and Iris. Ivan explains that Kit owns The Planet. Iris says that Ivan's tried to take her there a few times, but it's just not her scene. Kit has heard enough: "Well, maybe you shouldn't pass judgment before you've been there." Iris says she doesn't hang out with lesbians because it's "too much drama". She also reveals that she and Ivan started seeing each other about five years ago. This really gets Kit, because Ivan was "doin' miss thing and trying to romance me". Ivan says that they never discussed monogamy, but if they had, Ivan would have said that it doesn't work for her. Kit replies: "And I woulda told you to fuck off." Ivan points out that Kit is seeing a married man. Kit gets too disgusted and has to leave.
Jenny cries about Carmen. She thinks that maybe she doesn't deserve to be happy. Burr asks her if she wants to look at somebody who's fucked up their live, "take a look at me". He says that his life ended 20 years ago when he destroyed the one person that meant anything to him in the world, because he was "too fucking scared to be happy". He reveals that he's gay... and tells Jenny that she's fired. He says that she's too damn good to work for a "closet queen".
Helena is showing Tina the new rooms for the kids, and there's an extra room: one for Tina's baby. It's "dazzling", according to Tina, but she's not ready to have a room in Helena's house, even though Helena says there's no pressure.
Bette is fixing up a room for the baby, too. She hangs up the glass mobile from Leigh Ostin. She hopes that the both of them, Tina and her baby, will love it.
Alice is sitting on the bed. Dana is in the bathroom, getting ready. She has told Alice it's a fashion show, and Alice has no idea what's up. She hears Dana fall with a thud at one point, and wonders if this is "one of those Miu Miu things where you don't know where the straps go". Dana says: "Sort of." Then she finally emerges, begging Alice not to laugh. Alice stares at the strap-on that Dana's wearing and says, "Fuck. Who's laughing?", and pulls Dana onto the bed.