The L Word Season 1 Episode 2

Alice: (seeing Tim) Do you guys think he knows?
Bette: Knows what?
Alice: That his girlfriend is making the team with Marina.

Alice: I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.
Bette: We are pretty in, Alice.
Alice: Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

Shane: So, which one is she?
(Dana points out Lara to her.)
Shane Wow. Very nice, Dana. (Dana gives Shane a dirty look. Don't you dare.) No! I'm here for you. I'm here for you.

Shane: (about Lara) Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Dana: Exactly.
Alice: Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: What?
Bette: We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice: (picking up a turkey baster) What is this?
Tina: Marcus Allenwood.
(Alice depresses the plunger and sperm shoots out of the baster into Dana's hair, freaking her out.)
Dana: Oh, god! Shit!
Alice: Okay! Okay! Alright! (grabs a towel and helps Dana wipe it off) That is disgusting.
Dana: Oh my god, get it off, get it off!
Alice: Okay! You're not going to get pregnant through your sweater!
Dana: Thanks, I know. Alright, I got it. I'll get it.
Shane: Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception.
Bette: You could. Yes.
Shane: Well, then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave?
Bette: (smiling) That would be too late.

Shane: (Bette answers the door in her bath robe) Hi, were you sleeping?
Bette: Not exactly.
Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.
Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?
Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing -- Shane and I are totally capable of handling that -- but this one has major relationship stuff.
Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she (Dana) needs expert advice.

Dana: (about Lara) She's the soup chef.
Alice: A sous-chef?
Dana: Hmm?
Alice: Like the assistant chef?
Dana: (clueless) Oh, yeah.
Alice: Sous-chef.
Dana: Oh, yeah. No, that's totally what she is.

Alice: (trying to teach Dana 'gaydar') What is she?
Dana: A customer? (Shane shakes her head.) I don't know!
Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short?
Alice: Are they polished or natural?
Dana: They're long and polished. (she looks at Alice) Sooo, she's... (looks to Alice)
Shane: Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.
Alice: Look at the shoes.
Dana: High-heeled sandals.
Alice: With tapered jeans. (Dana looks confused.) Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
Dana: (looking back and forth between Shane and Alice, looking very confused) Yes?
Alice: No!

Shane: Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay, or you're straight or you're bisexual -- you just go with the flow.
Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
Alice: You don't have gaydar.
Dana: No.
Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!
Shane: Everyone's got it. You just have to tune it in.

Bette: Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else?
Alice: Because they are.

Shane: Dana, I'm impressed, you're into someone and you want to know whether or not they're down.
Dana: She's down?
Alice: Whether she plays for our team -- the gay team.
Dana: Wait... don't the bisexuals have their own team?

Alice: Alright, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!

Lacey: (talking about Shane) The 4F's! She finds 'em, feels 'em, fucks 'em and forgets 'em, but I'm gonna tell the whole world who you are!

Alice: Dana, most girls are straight 'til they're not, and then, sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.