Opening Teaser: A Western movie is being filmed. Somebody yells "cut" and the title says: "on location for with Burr Connor 1985 Lone Pine, California". Burr Connor goes over to a trailer and finds two men having sex. Burr drags the top guy off and throws him out. He yells at the remaining guy, his co-star. He tells him he could be exposed as an "ass bandit".
Dana and Alice are in bed. Their alarm goes off. Alice turns it off, then turns over and starts cuddling with Dana. She starts kissing her and gets on top of her. But then Dana sees the clock. Alice thinks that it's still Sunday, so she's all relaxed. Dana says that it's already Monday. When Alice is still convinced that it's Sunday, Dana tells her what they did during the weekend which shows that it has to be Monday. Alice starts to panic about the audition that she's going to have the next day: she hasn't had a single idea so far. Dana suggests: "People who ruin their lives because they can't stop having sex?" Alice doesn't think that's helping. Dana smooches Alice and goes to make them some coffee.
On his computer, Mark is watching Shane stare at herself in the mirror.
Bette and Tina are at The Planet. Bette has ordered tea for Tina, who says "Thank you, that's nice." Bette reveals that she has spoken to Dr. Dan Foxworthy and is thinking about going back to therapy – by herself. Tina says that's great; she thinks it'll be good for Bette. Bette says she knows that Tina doesn't want to hear what she has to say. She continues: "I never got to say how happy I am for you... for us." Tina's glad that Bette is happy. She leans forward and says they should focus on being really good parents – "It'll be a new kind of partnership for us." Bette raises her teacup to this.
Carmen and Jenny are walking on a sidewalk. Jenny is talking about Charlotte Birch and all the challenges she offers. Carmen thinks that Jenny has a crush on Charlotte. She thinks that it's totally OK and that Jenny is allowed to have a crush on her teacher. She also thinks that Jenny should go for it. Carmen asks Jenny if she wants her to be jealous. Jenny nods, so Carmen kisses her. Then she says: "Well, if you think about fucking her, I will kill you." Jenny smiles at her and they kiss some more.
At The Planet, Tina and Bette are talking about Tina's next sonogram. Bette wants to be there. Helena shows up and says, "We're real-estate hunting", but Tina takes herself out of it and says that it's Helena who's looking to rent a house. Before she leaves, Tina tells Bette that she'll see her on the 7th and that she'll call her.
Mark and Gomey are pitching their "movie" to a sleazy producer.
Helena and Tina are looking at a house with a real estate agent. Tina wants to go and take a look around. Helena makes a show of kissing Tina in front of the real estate agent before Tina walks off.
Dana is doing curls. Alice, meanwhile, is using her "radio voice" to talk about consumerism. Dana critiques as Alice babbles on: "What are you doing to your voice?" Alice answers that it's her "radio commentator voice". She continues her speech.
Helena thinks the house is a little vulgar but amusing. Tina says, "Could you live like this?" Helena replies, "Why don't we find out", and decides to test out a table: they start to make out, until the real estate agent interrupts.
Shane is trying to leave her place. Mark stops Shane to ask how she's doing. He goes back to his place where Gomey's trying to find something interesting. He sees the footage of Mark staring at Shane staring at herself, and realizes that Mark really digs Shane. They get into an argument and Gomey leaves.
Leo and Franklin walk into Bette's office to announce that Helena will be joining the steering committee. Bette can't believe this. It gets worse: some hot shot artist (Allyn Barnes) might do a retrospective at the C.A.C., and of course Bette wants to be involved. Franklin says it's more Leo's area of expertise, and they leave. Bette sighs, reaches for the bottom drawer to pull out a candy bar, and takes a couple of huge bites.
Helena and Tina are in a beach house. Helena's phone rings. She's soon screaming into it, so Tina hurries the agent down to the kitchen. As they make their way down the spiral staircase, Helena hangs up the phone and asks Tina whether she likes the house. Tina calls it spectacular, so Helena takes it on the spot.
Winnie, Helena's ex, is at Bette's door, with her kids. Bette wasn't expecting her to take the kids along, but she quickly recoils and asks them if they'd like to go swimming. Winnie doesn't swim so she asks Bette if she'd go in the pool with the kids.
Dana is watching a cooking show. Alice reaches over and mutes the TV – she is still trying to come up with an idea for KCRW, but it's just not working. Dana's trying to be nice about it, but she's also cool enough to tell the truth. When Alice pitches her idea, Dana thinks that it's good, but not funny. Alice doesn't understand why everybody thinks she's funny. Dana tells her: "Because you are. Alice, you're a funny lady. And it's one of the things I love about you, and I'm not the only one." Alice tells her that she doesn't like her very much right now. Dana takes Alice's notebook and pen and puts them down. She says, "It makes me so hot when you're angry". Soon Alice's legs are wrapped around Dana's waist, and Alice snickers: "You're totally topping me again." Dana says that she's sorry, but she couldn't hear her "through the feathers, pillow queen". They talk a little about whether or not Dana has always been a top. Then Alice wants Dana to do something: "I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on." Dana's not sure if she can do that but then agrees anyway.
Winnie wants Bette to be a character witness against Helena. At one point, Bette says "fuckin'" while she's splashing around with Winnie's daughter, Jun Ying. Winnie clears her throat; Bette says, "I'm sorry" – and turns to Jun Ying and whispers, "That was BAD." Winnie tells Bette that she wants her to show up at a court hearing. Bette says she'd like nothing better, but it's kinda complicated, with Tina and the C.A.C.
Carmen's walking down the hall at Shane and Jenny's house. Shane's door opens a little, but then she sees Carmen and closes the door right away. Carmen barges in and asks Shane why she's hiding. She then takes Shane's sunglasses off and sees her black eye. She wants to know who did this to her. Shane answers: "You did it." Carmen gets angry and tries to leave, but Shane stops her and apologizes. Carmen wants to know exactly what Shane meant by it, but Shane just wants to forget it all and go back to being friends. She opens the door and Carmen leaves.
Wilson and Jun Ying eat dinner in the background while Winnie and Bette continue to scheme about Helena. Bette gives the kids ice cream while Winnie gives her a piece of advice: apparently Helena can't stand it when people don't react to her machinations and manipulations.
Carmen and Jenny are making out on the couch while watching a bunch of Burr Connor films so Jenny can prepare to be the guy's ghost writer. Mark comes in and makes them talk to him. He thinks Burr is so tough and cool, but Jenny calls it all "sentimental claptrap" that allows men to explore the kinds of things you see in chick flicks. Carmen is all cuddly with Jenny until Mark mentions Shane. Then she gets all frosty and fidgety.
Shane is at church, confessing to a Catholic priest. It's been sixteen years since her last confession. Everyone wants sex from her and she feels like she doesn't have anything left to give. She used to live in a church shelter, she ran away from her foster family, her real mom was a drug addict. The priest tells her that "there are people who don't want anything from you, they just want to know you". Shane says that she doesn't know people like that and leaves.
Dana's handing Alice a towel as she steps out of the shower. Dana's just noticed that she has a huge hickey on her shoulder. Alice knew about it but says that she didn't do it on purpose – Dana just bruises easy. Dana then tells Alice that she does too. Alice turns to the mirror to discover two big hickeys on her neck. They bicker about who's most affected: Alice says she needs to make an impression at her interview, but Dana points out that "it's radio" and that she, on the other hand, has a photo shoot with Women's Fitness. Dana is peeing while she and Alice squabble. Alice turns around in front of the mirror and asks Dana if there is any more. Dana just says, "Yeah", and leaves.
Carmen and Jenny are sitting with Kit and Bette at The Planet. Alice and Dana show up, all smiles and covered necks. Jenny mentions that she hasn't seen them in a couple of days. They both say different things at the same time, which makes it very obvious what they were doing all this time. Tina walks up behind them and says, "They've been having sex all weekend." She greets everyone. Helena is coming in behind Tina. Everyone looks uncomfortable, but Bette invites Helena and Tina to sit down. Tina obviously appreciates the gesture. Jenny says: "So, Tina was just saying that Dana and Alice are having sex." Everyone giggles. Helena thinks that it's noting to be ashamed of, and, looking at Tina, they'd be in good company. Alice and Dana keep saying that they haven't had sex – they've been "working". Kit's not buying it and says "lemme see" and peeks under Dana's collar. She pronounces them, "Busy!" Then Carmen unties Alice's scarf to reveal more evidence and asks, "Working?" Alice takes the scarf all the way off and they all cheer. Alice explains that she has an audition and doesn't really know what to do. Helena offers Alice her Hermes scarf, "because passion should never cost you respect." Alice is impressed. Bette decides she'd better get to work. Helena asks her why she doesn't take the morning off. Bette tells her that it's not really an option for her. Helena counters: "Of course it is. You're having breakfast with one of your board members, and we're gonna discuss what we're gonna talk about with Allyn Barnes tonight." Kit can't believe what she's hearing, so Bette explains to everyone that Helena has joined the board at the C.A.C. Bette still gets up to go. Helena has the brilliant idea of inviting everyone to a spur-of-the-moment housewarming party. She says, "Tina and I have found a house", but Tina quickly corrects her and says it's Helena's house. She says that the house is gorgeous; it's the one that was in Architectural Digest. Bette can only say, "Of course it is." She tells Helena that the party sounds nice and maybe she'll go if she's not too tired. She says goodbye to everyone and leaves.
Shane is making a sandwich. Mark shows up and asks her if he did something to offend her. She thinks that she might not have thanked him adequately for saving her ass, so she thanks him again. He tells her that according to the samurai code, he's indebted to her, because he saved her life... so he's her servant now. Shane just says: "No, thank you." But Mark's not taking no for an answer.
Jenny drives up to the gate of Burr Connor's house. Inside, Jenny talks about something she's known for a really long time – something she knew her family wouldn't approve of. She's talking about writing. Burr wants to know what kinds of writers Jenny models herself after – "Judith Krantz? Danielle Steele?" Jenny makes a funny horrified face and says, "Ew!" But of course Burr was kidding – he's thinking maybe Mary Gaitskill, which gets him an appreciative gasp. Jenny says Charlotte's pushing her really hard, and her style is just evolving. He tells her that he just needs her to correct some grammar and add some adjectives here and there. Jenny tells Burr that she's seen all of Burr's films, but he's clever and says, "In the last two days, right?" Jenny admits this, but says, "My girlfriend actually has seen all your films." Burr answers: "So she's a tomboy?" Jenny says, "Gosh, I've never thought of her like that. I think she's just beautiful." Burr thanks her for coming over and says he'll be in touch if he needs any help. Jenny asks him if he's firing her because she's gay. He tells her that he wasn't aware that he'd actually hired her. He prefers not to have certain things flaunted in his face. Jenny just turns and leaves.
At The Planet, Alice is still working on not being herself for the KCRW audition. She thinks maybe "Go Ask Alice" can be her tag line. Kit just says that's good and that she needs to go talk to the new chef, whom she stole from A.O.C. Gabby, Alice's ex, walks in. She greets Alice who seems to be startled. Gabby, who's usually not nice, tells Alice that she looks good and hugs her, so Alice asks her what's wrong with her. Gabby tells her that she's in love; Alice tells her that she's in love too. She thinks that Gabby can't tell because Alice is not showing it; she's "very private". Gabby wants to know who the lucky lady is, but Alice says that Gabby doesn't know her. Alice asks if she knows Gabby's girlfriend. Gabby is happy to introduce her new girlfriend: it's Lara, who apparently is the new chef whom Kit just hired. Lara greets Alice and then kisses Gabby and calls her "honey" and giggles. She then asks Alice how Dana is. Alice mutters pleasantries as she hurriedly packs up her stuff and leaves.
Alice is at her KCRW audition and still nervous. She meets Mimi, the interviewer, and launches into the story about Lara and Dana and Alice's ex and the crazy chart of lesbian connections. When Alice looks down at her paperwork, Mimi turns and signals to the sound guy to start recording. Alice continues to be herself, talking about her chart. At one point, Alice says she's sorry that she's rambling. Mimi interrupts to tell Alice that they have what they need. Alice doesn't understand – she hasn't even pitched her ideas yet. Mimi says it was great, giggles and walks off.
Bette welcomes Helena at the C.A.C. meeting and turns the meeting over to Leo. But Franklin insists on making a big deal about Helena. Then they all start to talk with Allyn Barnes. Bette turns out to be an expert on Allyn's work – she wrote her graduate thesis on one of her pieces. Helena and Leo try to rein Bette in, but Allyn is of course impressed, because Bette is insightful and persistent and right about everything. Allyn and Bette chit-chat about Yale and Vasarely and Borges.
Jenny tells Carmen what happened with Burr. She says, "It just sort of came out." Carmen is supportive and sweet. She says: "You outed me to Burr Connor", and they high-five. Nearby, Shane knocks on Mark's door and tells him that, as her servant, he has to come along with her, wherever she's going.
Alice is telling Dana about her new KCRW show, which is all about connections. Dana tells Alice that she's proud of her. Dana wants to know what made Alice decide to talk about the chart. Alice tells Dana about Gabby, but not about Lara. Dana thinks that "We shouldn't necessarily be friends with our exes". Alice asks what if Lara showed up; Dana doesn't know. The phone rings. It's Jenny: she and Carmen aren't going to Helena's house-warming party.
Helena and Tina are sitting in front of some sushi. Helena's offended: "I'm not very forgiving when it comes to social transgressions." Tina suggests that they "initiate" Helena's house instead. Tina teases: "Or am I not enough for you?" Helena says, "You're more than enough for me".
Bette hears a knock at her door and turns to see Carmen, Dana, Jenny, Alice, Shane, and Mark, making faces against the glass of the French doors. Bette opens the door, and they all come in. Bette asks them why they aren't over at Tina's. They explain that it's too far out and "it's family night. They settle in, order pizza, and hang out. Bette watches them as they laugh and talk and touch, and she smiles.