The Mentalist Season 1 Episode 2

Jane: The killer plans to bring his victim back to this room, and when he does, we're gonna be here to greet him. How sweet is that?

Lisbon: This is all a big elaborate joke you're gonna apologize for now, yes?

(Talking about Raquel)

Lisbon: That was funny, the way she gave him up so easily like that?

Jane: Yeah, it was. But you were right, huh? Secret lover. Guess I was wrong about the whole red-hair-and-duct-tape thing.

Lisbon: You hypnotized her, didn't you?

Jane: I certainly did not. (Lisbon just stares at him.) Okay, no. Yes, I did hypnotize her, but--

Lisbon: But nothing. It's unprofessional and it's illegal. It's totally out of bounds.

Cho: That's what I told him.

Jane: I was gonna say you had nothing to do with it, but hey.

Lisbon: (to Cho) You allow him to pull that stuff again, and you'll be showing visitors around the statehouse in a stupid hat.

Jane: (about Hector) He's telling the truth.

Lisbon: Now you're just trying to be contrary. Have you read his sheet?

Jane: Did you hear what he said?

Lisbon: He's a good actor. It was you who thought it was him in the first place.

Jane: I said Melanie had a lover, I didn't say he killed her.

Lisbon: If it wasn't him, then who was it? And if you say "a man who likes red hair and silver duct tape", I'll scream.

Jane: I don't want you to scream.

(After Jane's plan to lure in the suspect has gone awry.)

Lisbon: Everything's funny.

Jane: Well, if you try. I mean, come on. That was pretty funny. Strange though. I was sure the Chef would bite. I mean, there's still a chance he could show up.

Lisbon: The chef? Malcolm? Why do you think it's him?

Jane: He uses way too much butter.

Lisbon: Say--?

Jane: He's a gluttonous baby. He's self indulgent. He wants what he wants and takes it.

Lisbon: Too much butter.

Jane: Yeah.

Lisbon: It's fascinating, the way your mind works.

Jane: I've a daughter that would be about your age if I hadn't caused her death... her and her mother.

Frankie O'Keefe: How?

Jane: Out of arrogance... stupidity. I made an evil man very angry and he killed them to teach me a lesson. To make me sorry for what I've done... and I am sorry. Being sorry is far worse punishment than being dead, everybody dies... very few people ever feel truly sorry for the bad things they've done.

Jane: No such thing as psychic powers.

Sheriff McAllister: So what is it you do exactly?

Jane: You know rock paper scissors?

Sheriff McAllister: I do.

Jane: Play me. On three; one, two, three. (Patrick wins six consecutive games)

Van Pelt: I don't get it. She actually enjoyed helping him kill. One crazy, evil person I understand, but two? Husband and wife? Marriage is suppose to be a sacred, loving thing.

Jane: Yeah, they were soulmates in their strange own way.

Jane: (making a call on his cell phone) Hi. I made a booking for two for this afternoon. Could you put us on the terrace? It's more romantic. Thanks... Yeah, Patrick... Lovely. See you then. (ends phone call then looks at Lisbon) Don't fret, I wouldn't seduce you over a meal. That'd be very sophomoric.

Lisbon: I didn't think you were trying to seduce me.

Jane: Come on, how could that thought not have entered your head?

Lisbon: (stares speechlessly at Jane)

Jane: Your denial that it did intrigues me.

Lisbon: Bite me.

(talking about the relationship between Melanie and Hector)

Hector Ramirez: What we had... was special.

Jane: You made her feel like a captured princess instead of a small town choir nerd. And she made you feel like a dashing pirate instead of what you are... sort of a bad-tempered pharmacist.