The Nanny Season 1 Episode 22

Maxwell: Why is Gracie so upset?
Fran: She has to go to the bathroom real bad?
Maxwell: Miss Fine!
Fran: Well this nutjob mother made this big stink because I'm not Gracie's mother I'm her nanny and Grace had to admit she doesn't have a mother, and it kind of went downhill from there.

C.C.: Nanny Fine's pageant has gone up in flames. Niles, break out the bubbly!
Niles: You have no power here. (Waves his dust druffel) Be gone before someone drops a house on you!

Niles: At least your mother only makes you take her to dinner. Mine used to make me take her to Bath?
Fran: My neighbor used to take her son Sheldon into the tub with her till he was six! They both ended up on a very special Geraldo.
Niles: Bath is a town in England.
Fran: I don't care where you do it, it's still weird.

(Fran and Gracie try to do a Magic Act of Sawing Fran in Half)
Gracie: I found the instructions.
(Gives it to Niles)
Niles: (reads the instructions) "Now take a knife and cut into even pieces."
Fran: What!? Let me see that! (niles holds instructions in front of her face) These are the instructions to your Easy Bake Oven!
Niles: (joking) Yes, but you'll serve eight.

(Fran is talking to Silvia on phone)
Fran: No Ma, we can't go to Sizzler... (listens) Why? Because you're not welcome there anymore. You took half the dessert bar home in your purse! (Hears Silvia's reply) I know it's all you can eat... AT THE RESTAURANT!!

Maxwell: Sweetheart, can we talk to you for a minute?
Grace: No, I'm busy. (brushes her doll's hair)
Fran: You're doing a beautiful job there, except Ollie's beginning to look like Sinead O'Connor.
Maxwell: Sweetheart, I made a mistake. I should never have let you into that pageant and...
Fran: Oh, no no no no. It's all my fault, your father didn't want us to enter but I wouldn't listen. I was just too busy talking. I do that sometimes, I just talk and talk and talk and I...
Maxwell: Miss Fine?
Fran: What?
Maxwell: You're doing it.
Fran: Oh right. Well I'm gonna stop now. The talking, not the listening. The listening I'm gonna keep on doing. It's the talking I'm gonna stop. Okay, I've stopped. Go ahead.
Maxwell: Thank you. Sweetheart. I do understand how you feel. All those other girls with their mummies, it just reminded you how much you miss yours.
Grace: But that's what's wrong. I don't miss her.
Maxwell: You don't?
Grace: No I... I don't remember her.
Maxwell: Oh. Ooh. Gracie, oh come here. (Maxwell sits down and takes Gracie on his lap)
Grace: Brighton and Maggie do. But I can't. Is that bad?
Maxwell: Oh no. Of course not, sweetheart. They're older than you.
Grace: How come you never talk about her?
Maxwell: Well, because sometimes, it's very difficult for daddy.
Grace: Oh, you can't remember her either?
Maxwell: Oh no sweetheart, I remember everything. I remember the first time I saw her, I remember her sweetness and her laugh. And I especially remember how much she loved you.
Grace: She did?
Maxwell: Oh, more than anything and I should never have let you forget that. I was just trying to protect you and I suppose myself. Can you forgive me?
Grace: It's okay, daddy. (Maxwell kisses Gracie's temple and Fran blows her nose and sniffles)
Fran: Well at least now you two can remember her together.
Grace: Do you think that mommy would want me to be in the pageant?
Maxwell: I think she would want whatever you want.
Grace: I wanna do it. (gets up from bed) Me and Fran are gonna kick some country club butt. (drags Fran out of the room)
Fran: Oy, I don't know where she gets these things.

Brighton: Aren't you ever gonna take that stupid sash off?
Grace: No.
Maggie: Oh leave her alone. How many times in your life do you become first runner up in a beauty pageant?
Fran: Counting this one: 12.

Barbie Jo: I'm telling you, this woman should not be allowed to compete in the pageant. She's a fake!
Fran: I'm a fake? Let she who is without silicone cast the first stone.