Maxwell: (to Fran's cousin) Will that be crushed ice or cubed, sir?
Brighton: All right, Dad!... Y yo my butler with whom I have a cool kind of hip cat, kind of beatin' it, kind of-
Maggie: Shut up, Brighton!
Niles: I happen to come from a long line of butlers, each one a member, until my father, the butler to the Duke of Carlisle, accidentally knocked over a vase.
Fran: And for that they kicked him out?
Niles: He was wrestling naked with the Duchess at the time.
Fran: What we need here is compromise.
Maxwell: Meaning I do what you want and compromise my integrity.
Fran: That's democracy in action.
Marsha: Did you hear that Daddy? She's just a nanny!
Maggie: Who asked you, you big green cow?
Fran: It's turquoise.
Fran: You know what I'm getting at, angel?
Brighton: Yeah, we'll all a bunch of losers.
Fran: No, nobody's a loser. Except my cousin Ira, but that's a whole other discussion.
Maxwell: (When the doorbell rings) Oh, what now?
Fran: It's got to be for you. Everyone I know is here.
Marsha: My Libby is at the equestrian center.
Fran: Oh, what a beautiful smile.
Marsha: That's Lightning. That's Libby.
Fran: Oh, she has your nose. The old one.
Maxwell: I'll have no part of this. And neither will the children.
Brighton: So basically Dad, we have no rights?
Maxwell: None whatsoever.
Brighton: What we have here is a domestic gridlock. A failure of the executive branch and the house to work together.
Maggie: I still can't believe someone voted for you.
Marsha: The kids are out alone? In this city?
Fran: Marsha, what kind of mother do you think I am? They're with... who are they with?
Niles: (Pretending to be Mr. Sheffield) They're with Niles, the butler.
Jack: I thought you said it was his day off.
Fran: It is, but there's a special at the museum. They call it... what do they call it?
Niles: I can't wait to hear it.
Niles: This is a big favor you're asking.
Fran: So is keeping my mouth shut about the crack in the main vase.
Niles: (To Fran's cousins) Maxwell Sheffield, Broadway producer.
Sylvia: Jack wouldn't stop going on about Marsha. Marsha and her doctor husband, Marsha and her beach side mansion, Marsha living next door to Dan Marino.
Fran: Who's Dan Marino?
Sylvia: How the hell should I know?
Maxwell: Maggie you should be proud of your brother. He worked very hard on his campaign.
Maggie: You wrote his speeches, came up with his platform and organized his school bus tour.
Brighton: He's my Hillary!
Fran: Here, little mouse... here, little mouse...
Niles: Here, little mousey-wousey...
Fran: We're just gonna take you outside.
Niles: And then we're going to kill you.
Fran: By the way Niles, what is your family name?
Niles: It's just Niles. Like Cher.
Maxwell: I'm gone for 20 minutes and I come back to some bizarre parallel universe. I'm you, you're me, and you're married to her.
Fran: You're goin' to the musuem in those boots are you?
Maxwell: What, my wellies? There's a chance of rain.
Fran: There's a chance I might fall off this chair, but you don't see me wearin' a seat belt!
Maxwell wearing those yellow sea boots is no accident. Fran Drescher herself wanted to include them in the show because Charles Shaughnessy wore them the day he auditioned for the role of Maxwell Sheffield and left an impression on her.
The title of the episode is a play on words of the 1989 movie The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover.