Fran Fine Sheffield
Chastity Claire "C.C." Babcock
Margaret "Maggie" Sheffield
Undercovered Cop (Jeff)
C.C.: CAN this day get any BETTER?! Oh I guess it can. I'm spending the entire weekend alone with Maxwell in Boston
Niles: (imitates buzzer buzzing) I'm sorry . . . but we have some lovely consolation prizes for you (Mr. Sheffield, Brighton and Grace walk downstairs with their suitcases)
Brighton: I do not want to sit next to Grace on the plane, she always vomits
Mr. Sheffield: All right, she can sit next to Miss Babcock!
Maxwell: Niles, you don't think C.C. wants to go to Boston to...
Niles: ...shout "the British are coming", sir?
Maggie: I go to Whitney's for one night and you guys completely trash the place? I miss everything.
Niles: Why didn't you call?
Fran: I did! I guess someone was too busy shivering his timber!
Fran: I'm a fabulous nanny and a wonderful influence on the children. Oh! I gotta go. If a hooker named Sparkles calls tell her that I'm in court. Do you think this is cute enough for an arraignment? (Leaves)
Maxwell: Niles I'm beginning to think hiring a door-to-door cosmetics girl as a nanny was not my finest hour.
Niles: Although your skin has never looked more supple.
Fran: No, Mr. Sheffield, this was my party.
Maxwell: Miss Fine, even the woman who put a bumper sticker on my car that says "Honk if you're a hunk" wouldn't be that stupid.
Fran: Don't make any rash judgments. You're dealing with one dumb gal!
Niles: (Coming to the house after a party) Someone's gonna have a hell of a mess to clean up. Damn, it's me.
Fran: Don't panic! We just have to find a place to hold a hundred men and women by tonight!
Val: We're never gonna meet anybody!
Fran: We're gonna die alone!
Maggie: I have the whole house to myself. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Fran, now I know why you stay single!
Fran: Yeah, that's it.
Maxwell: Margaret would rather go to a concert than go to Boston with her own family!
Fran: Who wouldn't!... want to go to Boston.
Val: Benny's clam bar burned down!
Val: A fire!
Uncle Manny: Is that skirt a little snug?
Fran: Maybe just a little..
Uncle Manny: You hear that, your honor? The skirt is snug. And if the skirt doesn't fit, you must acquit!
Fran: So I'm not fired?
Maxwell: No, but you acted like a bloody teenager, so you're grounded.
Fran: Grounded?! I am an adult woman! Why don't you just take me over your knee and spank me... oh, we're back to turn-on!
Maxwell: Niles, Margaret is at a very impressionable age right now, and Miss Fine's behavior is hardly character-building.
Niles: That was certainly proven today. What 16-year-old in her right mind would give up the concert of her life to save a friend?
Maxwell: Niles, if I show Miss Fine leniency now, I'll have someone working for me who has absolutely no respect for my authority and never listens to a word I say!
(Niles does not respond on purpose)
Niles: Oh, sorry, sir. I checked out after I made my point.
Fran: (about Fran's uncle and lawyer) He's strictly pro bono.
Val: Really? Well I'm glad he's not representing me because I'm pro Cher.
Judge: Miss Fine! Would you just like to plead?!
Fran: Yes, I would. (Kneels before the judge and clasps her hands) Oh, please PLEASE don't take me to jail!
Judge: Miss Fine? Do you have your attorney present?
Fran: Oh... my attorney present. Oh-oh... you know what, I'm not going to get him anything. Let's see how he does first.
Judge: (To baliff) Is this a competency hearing?
Maxwell: Miss Fine, what on earth possessed you? I specifically said "no parties"!
Fran: Well, technically, you told Maggie "no parties".
Maxwell: Don't you start with the semantics.
Fran: Ohhh. So now you're going to fire me because you're anti-semantic!
Jeff: Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but... I'm a police officer. (Opens his jacket to show his badge) And you're under arrest.
Fran: (gasps) That was a pistol?!
Fran: Oh, I love the way you move!
Single Guy #2: And I love the way you look! Those heels are so... sexy!
Fran: Ooh, thank you!
Single Guy #2: Mind if I try them on?
Val: Do you think we're being too particular? I mean, maybe, maybe we should lower our standards.
Fran: Lower our standards? Val, we're already down to "mammal".
(Fran's Uncle, the attorney, enters the courtroom)
Fran's Uncle: Hold it, hold it. I object, I object!
Judge: You object to what?
Fran's Uncle: To those electric doors in the men's room.
Judge: That's the elevator.
Fran's Uncle: Use the stairs.
(A pair of handcuffs)
Fran: He was a cop! I got arrested last night!
Niles: Really? I was a pirate. I had to walk to plank.
Dance Partner: You might not believe this... but this hair is all from a can.
The coda shows Milton Berle asking Val if he could try on her dress. A little more than one month later he would appear in drag in the Roseanne episode "December Bride".
Guest Allan Rich had previously been on the show. It was on episode 1.08.
The title of this episode comes from a song in the musical Bells Are Ringing.
Fran: Why don't you just go sit down with the rest of the Dream Team?
This is a reference to the defense team who represented O.J. Simpson in his infamous murder trial. Alan Dershowitz, F. Lee Bailey, Robert Shapiro, and Johnnie Cochran made up the Dream Team.
Niles: (Referring to C.C.) Don't worry, sir. You'll be right near Salem. They know how to take care of her kind there.
This is a reference to the Salem witch trials, which began in 1692. They resulted in many convictions and executions for witchcraft.
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