The New Adventures of Old Christine Season 2 Episode 5

Christine: I'm not saying I wished this, but it would've been a lot easier if Pete was dying.
Richard: You're an angel.

Christine: What was so awful about me that you didn't want to date me again?
Richard: Sure, come on over. I'm not doing anything.

Christine: I just want you to get to the other side so you can be healthy and happy like me!
Barb: You started to cry yesterday because you ran out of peanut butter!
Christine: No, I started to cry because (takes a deep breath) Matthew left peanut butter off the list!
Barb: Is this healthy or happy?

Christine: [Barb] is too fine, it's not normal. She's not crying, she's not overeating or oversleeping, she hasn't even gotten back at Pete by putting his name in the gay personnels!
Matthew: How is Tim? Does Richard ever see him anymore?
Christine: Yeah, they still play tennis.
Matthew: Oh, that's nice.

Christine: Barb and Pete are separating.
Matthew: Wow, that's awful. It doesn't really affect me. Good night.

Christine: I remember when Richard and I split up, we tried everything: counseling, Sea World, S&M.
Barb: How was Sea World? Do they still have Shamu?

Christine: You were so great together.
Barb: We used to be. Then we stopped having fun. Then we stopped having sex. The worst part was that middle period where we were having sex that wasn't any fun.

(Christine stands in the middle of the night in front of Matthew's bed)
Matthew: (wakes up and sees her) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What are you doing?
Christine: I need you to get up.
Matthew: What, is there an intruder, do we need to go to the panic room?
Christine: It's not a panic room, it's the guest bathroom.
Matthew: God, I don't know why, but it's the only place I feel safe.

Barb: I paid Richard $20 to go on a second date with you... and $40 for a third.
Christine: I slept with him on the third date.
Barb: And that's why the fourth was half-off.

(After Christine tells Matthew that Barb and Pete are splitting up and Barb is staying with them)
Christine: Barb's gonna take your room and you'll bunk with Richie.
Matthew: Why?
Christine: We all have to make sacrifices.
Matthew: What are you sacrificing?
Christine: You.