In the fake subway set, the tunnel wall slides away behind the windows to simulate the motion of the train leaving and entering the station, but the station platform behind it doesn't move at all.
Murray: (reading from Oscar's column) "A funny thing happened on my way across Central Park. I got across. People say there's a lot of crime in New York. That's just a vicious rumor started by a half a billion victims."
Felix: I don't think that's so funny!
Murray: Hey, "Now spring is here and the park is beautiful. The tree was green, the bird was singing."
Felix: Maybe it's something wrong with me. I don't know.
Murray: "Men and women, holding hands ... up!"
Felix: This is our beloved city you're making fun of!
Oscar: Well, they're just jokes.
Felix: Just jokes? Just jokes, huh? That's what the Polish people started saying. "They're just jokes, Stanislaw."
Oscar: Felix, if you can prove that one of these clichés is false, I'll print such a column about New York, everybody in the country'll want to move here.
Felix: You've got yourself a deal, Mr. "Making a Fine Living in a City You're Knocking."
Oscar: Okay. But you'd better do it fast 'cause I go on my vacation to the Bahamas in three days.
Felix: Three days is all I need! You're going to eat those words and I'm going to pour the ketchup!
(Felix uses a handkerchief puppet and a high-pitched voice to try to distract the stuck passengers)
Felix: What's your name?
Oscar: (sheepishly) Oscar Madison.
Felix: Oscar Madison, that's a nice name. Are you a native New Yorker?
Oscar: Yes, I am.
Felix: Oh. How long have you lived in New York?
Oscar: All my life.
Felix: Oh, that's why you're a native New Yorker! What are you doing here in the subway?
Oscar: Dying of embarrassment.
Felix: Remember during the Blackout? A crisis brings out the best in New Yorkers. It brings people closer together.
Angry Woman: Anybody gets closer to me, they'll lose their face.
Felix: Say, folks, anybody in this car got a flashlight?
Oscar: I don't hear anything.
Felix: What? It's dark. They can't hear in the dark. Anybody in our car? Anybody got a flashlight?
Angry Woman: Yeah, and if anybody comes near me, I'll hit him over the head with it.
Oscar: She heard ya pretty good.
Felix: Would you turn it on, please?
Angry Woman: It's broken.
Oscar: Why do you carry it?
Angry Woman: To hit people over the head with it!
(on subway train)
Oscar: I don't believe I'm starting a trip to the Bahamas on the IRT.
Felix: At least you're leaving. I ride the subway every day of my life.
Oscar: Haven't been on the subway in five years.
Man: (sarcastically) Can't tell ya how much we missed you.
Felix: I'm going to explode the cliché that New Yorkers are rude.
Oscar: Are you crazy? The people here are the same people that threw garbage at you yesterday. Only it's Sunday, they're taking a rudeness break.
Oscar: Listen, you wanna hear about a joke I'm going to have in tomorrow's column?
Oscar: I live in a very safe building. Last night, there were three cops in my lobby, all night! They were afraid to go outside. (laughs)
Murray: (offended) That's not funny! I wasn't afraid. It was cold!
(Felix's staged mugging has attracted no helpers)
Felix: Why doesn't somebody help this girl???
Chorus from bystanders: Why don't you?
Ben Frommer is uncredited as a large man on the subway.
Barney Martin, who guest stars in this episode, would go on to co-star with Tony Randall in the late 70s show The Tony Randall Show and would go on to be most famous playing Jerry Seinfeld's father on Seinfeld.
Miss Rapid Transit: Well, you know, there really is something wrong with this dog. She's going to have puppies!
Man: Who are you, Marlin Perkins?
Marlin Perkins was the host of the long-running Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, a wildlife show that enjoyed 25 years on the air.