The Office Season 2 Episode 22

(at the poker table)
Toby: I'll call.
Michael: What are—that's insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael: Well, Toby, I went all in on the first hand so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So, don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Dealer: No, I'm sorry, sir, he can't. He's gone all in.
Michael: Well, okay, alright, whatever.
Dealer: Flip 'em.
(Toby reveals his hand as does Michael and Toby has the better cards)
Michael: You really sc—You screwed that up. (Michael slaps his cards down and exits the table)

Darryl: I taught Mike some uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out", "going mach five", "dinkin' flicka". You know, things us Negroes say.

Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael: That you are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'cause I'm from 'da hood?
Michael: Dinkin' Flicka.

Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea...
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam: I can't...I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted that...our friendship.

(Michael discussing his condo with Carol, his realtor)
Michael: There's a smell in the condo. The Christmas tree helped.

Pam: (crying to her mom on the phone) He's my best friend! pauses Yeah, I think I am.

Pam: (on phone) Michael, Carol Stills for you, your Realtor.
Michael: Oh yeah, put her through. (into speakerphone) Hey Carol. How goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Pam: Still me. (to camera) Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.

Michael: Oh, now that I have you, not that I have you, or have ever had you, we're having our Casino Night and I think everyone would love to have their fearless leader here.
Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader…
Michael: I am. But you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

Jan: Why did I hook up with Michael?
Jim: Yeah, why did you?
Jan: It was very late... very, very late.

Dwight: So, uh, where are you staying? Radisson?
Jan: What?
Dwight: Super 8?
Jan: No, I–
Dwight: Motel 6? Best Western.
Jan: I, uh, I didn't–I didn't–I don't wanna–
Dwight: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? Are you staying with Michael?

Dwight: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is keep Jan away from Carol, and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."

Michael: Comedy's very much alive...as are homeless people.

Kevin: We really don't play a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We're all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. (nods head) This could be a turning point for the band.

Michael: There are certain topics that are off limits to comedians: JFK, Aids, the Holocaust. The Lincoln assassination just recently because funny-I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head. And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. Still one of my dreams.

Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we're, we remain good friends. Good friends with privileges—-not now, someday.

[Talking about to which charity people will donate]
Creed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton, delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.
Kevin: Something with animals. Or people.
Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation and he is so hot and he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. [Pause] Maybe he did it.

Ryan: One beer, and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim: So that's still going on, huh, you and Kelly?

Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not going to lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. I'm gonna chase that feeling.

Michael: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs, or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?

Dwight: Codename RE/MAX is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.

Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: No, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's Afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.

Dwight: (after Jim tells him that he has the power of telekinesis) I don't believe you. Continue.

Jim: Excuse me, how long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight: I would never ever serve you, not in a million billion years.
Pam; It's a nice tux.
Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so... family heirloom.

Michael: Oh, and another fun thing: we, at the end of the night, we are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a school night, and you know, uh...Hooters is catering. You know, is that not - is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: (after a long pause) Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it...not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. (Michael launches back into his talk to the group) Okay!...

Jim: I was just um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear but I needed you to... hear it. (pauses) Probably not good timing. I know that... I just.
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know... once.

Michael:Two queens on casino night...
I'm going to drop a deuce on everybody.

Michael: (to Toby) Why are you the way that you are?

Angela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this?
Dwight: Good evening, Angela, this is craps. I need to roll an eight and if I do, everyone wins.
Angela: Then roll an eight.
Dwight: Thank you, Angela.
Angela: Good luck, Dwight.

Michael: Old friends, new lovers and the disabled! Welcome all!

Creed: Honestly, I love stealing things.