The Office Season 2 Episode 7

Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.

(Reading from Threat Level Midnight)
Jim: (narrating) "A man sitting several seats down who has a gold face turns to Michael Scarn." Uhhh, oooh, Oscar, you want to play Goldenface?
Oscar: "Mr. Scarn, perhaps you will be more comfortable in my private jet?"
Dwight: "Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage."
Ryan: "I fo-get it, brotha.'
Dwight: "Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt!" Wait, who's Dwigt?

Jim: (about he and Pam's 'date') I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. (Pause) Right?

Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh, my God, I win. Okay, it was a minor league hockey game, he brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar: Okay, that's a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me.
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: Um... it was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiancé.
(Pam looks uncomfortable)

Pam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt". And Dwight figured it out. Oops.

Michael: You want to see other people? Oh, only other people.

Michael (On the phone to Jan, about their affair): Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake.

Jim: Jan didn't come back for her car last night. Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine-Zeta?

Michael: A gentleman does not kiss and tell – and neither do I.

Michael: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight (about Jan): Did you do her?

Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the 7th grade. I played the role of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so that had to make up roles like that. I was good.

Kevin: Michael's movie – two thumbs down.

Michael: Jan Levinson-Gould. She is cold. If she was sitting on a train and wasn't moving, you'd think she was dead.

Michael: First guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
Christian: (laughs) Oh nohoho... Oh my god, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!

Jim: So this possible client they're talking about--actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna county. Our whole county. And if we get this, they might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years...and years...and...years.

Michael: Ok, let's do this thing. Wish us luck.
Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.
Jan: Thank you.
Michael: Kiss ass.