The Onion News Network

Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an unexpected threat, workplace sources confirmed.

Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers to blast a variety of scents directly into their nostrils whenever and wherever they please.

A report finds Chinese third-graders are falling behind U.S. high school students in math and science, a nostalgic warden has seen 3 generations of a family come through prison, and a battle of wits with an unwieldly burrito nears its thrilling endgame. I

The pregnant starlet has finished reading her long-awaited first book and is currently traveling the country to promote the John Grisham thriller to her fans.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is being proactive in the face of his department's potential budget cuts by scouring the country for road signs, traffic lights, and other unattended resources before Friday's sequester hits.

Though presiding over a country hampered by war, an economic recession, dramatic cultural upheaval, and a partisan divide at the highest levels of government, the man responsible for shielding American citizens from reality declared tonight in his annual