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The Onion News Network

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IFC (ended 2012)

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Wynstyn

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  • Grandma Updates to Cordless Landline

    Clip

    1/6/12

    President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.moreless
  • Department of Treasury Releases New Monsters of the Silver Screen 20 Dollar Bill

    Clip

    10/28/11

    The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession stands, and a local mans utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot. It's the week of October 24th, 2011.moreless
  • 2011 Top Story: One of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

    Clip

    1/16/12

    In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)
  • 2011 Top Story: Japanese Nuclear Reactor Totally Safe Says Two-Headed Plant Official

    Clip

    1/2/12

    In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up blood. (Aired 12/9/11)
  • Smiling Tom Coughlin Scaring Everyone

    Clip

    1/12/12

    The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams.
  • Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged in a Week-Long Drug-Filled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'

    Clip

    1/12/12

    President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.
  • Tim Tebow Becomes First Bad Quarterback to Lead 4th Quarter Comeback

    Clip

    10/27/11

    It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking everything in sight.
  • Brooke Alvarez Names the One Person Who Could Compel Her to Go On "Dancing With the Stars"

    Clip

    10/31/11

    Award-winning news anchor, Brooke Alvarez explains why she doesn't have time to go on a show as frivolous as "Dancing with the Stars", but that she would make an exception if a certain someone were also a contestant.moreless
  • Year in Review

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 10 - 12/9/11

    Brookee gets a jump on her competition by doing her 2011 year-end review, weeks before any other network. Jim and Tracy interview the worst pop star of the year.

  • Brooke vs. O'Brady

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 9 - 12/2/11

    O'Brady Shaw joins the Factzone as Brooke's new co-host to promote his new special: "The Cries of the Children." In other news, a woman accountant is annoying the whole country with her loud chatter. A new weight-loss drug hits the market, which causes it's users to hallucinate that their food is a swarm of vicious, bloodthirsty monsters.

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  • Artificial Intelligence

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 8 - 11/24/11

    After gaining sentience, the studio falls in love with Brooke. Plus, millions are trapped in an Animal Hoarders marathon. An investigative piece into the disturbing new sport of spouse fighting.

  • Sex in America

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 7 - 11/18/11

    The network explores the important topic of sex. Brooke and O'Brady discuss human trafficking.
  • Today! Now! Special

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 6 - 11/11/11

    A very special takeover by the Onion News morning show Today Now! Jim and Tracy will host and Tracy's son will visit the set.

  • Exposed, Brooke Alvarez

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 5 - 11/1/11

    Brooke is outraged by a documentary expose' on her life. Angry, she goes after the filmmakers on-air.

  • Dead Reporter

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 4 - 10/25/11

    A Seven decade veteran newscaster's career is honored as the FactZone says goodbye to legend Brandon Armstrong. Cameo by Charlie Rose.
  • Fantasy Brainwall

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 3 - 10/18/11

    Tucker Hope tries out a new piece of technology, "Brainwall" and reveals a fantasy.
  • Missing Baby Kate

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 2 - 10/11/11

    Shelby Cross heads the crusade of searching every home in America to find missing baby Kate.

  • Asteroid Heads to Earth

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 1 - 10/4/11

    An earth destroying asteroid is heading for Earth, and Onion News Network has the story. Today Now interviews a young shark attack victim.

  • Witch Who Granted Beyonc Beauty and Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

    Clip

    1/10/12

    Moments after Beyonc gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.
  • Yankees, Phillies Playing Sad Little World Series of Their Own

    Clip

    10/13/11

    Kenny and Doc follow a delicious "Power Lunch" with their take on Nyjer Morgan's brain centipede and Brett Favre's jealous death wish.
  • American Dream

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 10 - 3/25/11

    The team takes an in-depth look at the loss of the American Dream. Other stories include: Joe Biden recruits a bevy of sexy females to be his bodyguards. Jeff Gordon sets up a charity to teach him to read. A cash-strapped NASA sends a probe to New Mexico.moreless
  • New Law Legalizes Brandishing Guns at Head Level

    Clip

    9/30/11

    In this Daily Briefing, New York residents are outraged after learning that their State Senator accepted a paltry $3,000 bribe.
  • Real America

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 9 - 3/18/11

    Parodies of cable news includes: "real" Americans conversing with congressmen; an autistic reporter covers the funeral for a slain little girl; a report on Shaken Man-child Syndrome; in local news, teenage girls are warned about the handsome, mysterious new boy in town.

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  • Stock Market Crash

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 8 - 3/11/11

    The crack team of fake journalist's stories this week, include: A man who has absolutely no interest in government or politics, is pursued by the GOP for the 2012 presidential elections. An investigative report on why comic sans is funnier than other fonts. ONN takes the revolutionary step of forming a panel of caged ordinary Americans; after some torture they willingly give their opinions. The FDA gives up in frustration over Americans dietary habits.moreless
  • The Real Obama

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 7 - 3/4/11

    In-depth journalistic spoofs, include: A shocked and horrified manufacturer of wand massagers, recalls their product atter discovering Americans are using the massager for other than it's intended purpose. It is discovered that after the Presidential election, Barak Obama was kidnapped, and has been held in captivity while an imposter has taken his place in the White House. A tragic high fructose corn syrup sill in Iowa causes wide spread devastation. U.S. dating standards are lowered, gaining dating access to a larger population.moreless
  • Cyber Attack

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 6 - 2/25/11

    Shocking news stories include: al Qaeda attacks and cripples the nation's Internet servers, by forwarding an email which contains a cute photograph of a piglet in red boots; it rapidly becomes viral. Players of Farmville become overtly distraught at losing the Internet. A undercover investigative report on whether waitress in restaurants are genuinely nice and charming, or manipulating their customers for larger tips. The first openly drunk politician, resigns from the Senate in order to dedicate himself to more drinking.moreless
  • The Trial of TR-425

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 5 - 2/18/11

    Hard-hitting fake news segments include: every miss-treated group in America are given casino permits. Right wing conservatives blast Obama for not loving his dog, Bo, enough. The nation's first openly drunk Senator outrages voters, for forgetting campaign promises. A predator drone commits suicide due to guilt for previous bombings of civilian targets.moreless
  • Fifth Anniversary

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 4 - 2/11/11

    A probing look into the social issue: should someone check on the crying woman at a train platform. A stay-at-home mom "alien" has 352 children. A school board decides to expel troubled teens, such as; math nerds and non-jocks from school before they can cause trouble. The disturbing trend of teenagers enriching uranium in order to make nuclear weapons. The wife of a Congressman who had an affair with a horse, uses her situation in order to promote her pillow business.moreless
  • Man-Horse Marriage

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 3 - 2/4/11

    This week the satiric news show's main focus is on a staunch anti-gay Congressman, who admits to having an affair with a horse. Other stories include: the Valentine tradition of stoning to death of the nations most disgustingly happy couple. Friends and family gather to show support for miners who are trapped in their jobs. Is President Obama the West African spider trickster god Anansi. And, a sarcastic reporter reports on the push to legalize medical marihuana.moreless
  • Snowlocaust

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 2 - 1/28/11

    This week's parodies include: Should government provide pornography during a porn outage. Congressmen forget how to pass a bill through Congress. People cut off their hands so they can purchase the latest craze from Apple: the iHand. The only gay man in a small town receives a pride parade by the local citizenry. A panel of talking-heads discuss the merits of female soldiers having male chaperones.moreless
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