The Onion News Network

IFC (ended 2012)



User Score: 521

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  • All (80)
  • Full Episodes (54)
  • Clips (26)
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  • All (80)
  • Season 3 (6)
  • Season 2 (48)
  • Season 1 (26)
  • Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez Prepare for Jets-Pats Matchup by Having Sex With Each Other

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 203 - 11/10/11

    Kenny yells incoherently at guest host Reggie Greengrass about Eli's temporary status as an elite quarterback and the saddest referee in the NFL.
  • GOP Race Heats up As Candidate in Coma More Appealing Than Rest of Field

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 203 - 10/18/11

    Voters seem to be responding to former congressman, John Clarkson's record of avoiding Washington infighting, political scandal, and embarrassing gaffes by being in a coma for the last eight years.
  • Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged in a Week-Long Drug-Filled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'



    President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.
  • Could the Use of Flying Death Robots Be Hurting America's Reputation Worldwide?

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 202 -

    The First Responders debate the U.S. military's use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above.
  • Tim Tebow Becomes First Bad Quarterback to Lead 4th Quarter Comeback



    It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking everything in sight.
  • Boy Loses Leg in Totally Awesome Shark Attack

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 201 - 10/4/11

    On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark.
  • Brooke Alvarez Can Speak News in Any Language

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 109 - 11/7/11

    One fan writes to Brooke in German, but that doesn't stump America's greatest newswoman, who's made it her business to know every language on the planet.
  • Brooke Alvarez Names the One Person Who Could Compel Her to Go On "Dancing With the Stars"



    Award-winning news anchor, Brooke Alvarez explains why she doesn't have time to go on a show as frivolous as "Dancing with the Stars", but that she would make an exception if a certain someone were also a contestant.moreless
  • Leaf from "Tree of Life" Frontrunner for Best Actor Oscar

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 107 - 2/22/12

    On Star Fix, entertainment insiders say this might be the year Hollywood's favorite leaf, which has appeared in more than 60 films, finally takes home the Academy Award.
  • This Week in History: Statue of Liberty Arrives from France, Moves Into Cramped Tenement Building

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 106 -

    The Onion looks at the discovery of a group of North Dakotan coal miners that would become the cast of 'Happy Days,' and the Supreme Court ruling that allowed black students to experience racism first hand in desegregated schools.moreless
  • Release of The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust Popularizes Glam Rock, Glam Education, Glam Politics

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 105 -

    The Onion looks back at the release of David Bowie's 'The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust,' which popularized Glam Rock, Glam Politics, and Glam Sports, Charles Darwin killing and eating the last dodo, and D-Day, when brave U.S. boys in uniform blah blahmoreless
  • Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe for Funniest Goofball at His Table

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 103 - 1/17/12

    In this StarFix Quick Hit, Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester, and the Supreme Court rules that it's okay to illegally download movies and music if you can justify it to yourself.moreless
  • Year in Review

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 10 - 12/9/11

    Brookee gets a jump on her competition by doing her 2011 year-end review, weeks before any other network. Jim and Tracy interview the worst pop star of the year.

  • Brooke vs. O'Brady

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 9 - 12/2/11

    O'Brady Shaw joins the Factzone as Brooke's new co-host to promote his new special: "The Cries of the Children." In other news, a woman accountant is annoying the whole country with her loud chatter. A new weight-loss drug hits the market, which causes it's users to hallucinate that their food is a swarm of vicious, bloodthirsty monsters.

  • Artificial Intelligence

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 8 - 11/24/11

    After gaining sentience, the studio falls in love with Brooke. Plus, millions are trapped in an Animal Hoarders marathon. An investigative piece into the disturbing new sport of spouse fighting.

  • Sex in America

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 7 - 11/18/11

    The network explores the important topic of sex. Brooke and O'Brady discuss human trafficking.
  • Today! Now! Special

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 6 - 11/11/11

    A very special takeover by the Onion News morning show Today Now! Jim and Tracy will host and Tracy's son will visit the set.

  • Exposed, Brooke Alvarez

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 5 - 11/1/11

    Brooke is outraged by a documentary expose' on her life. Angry, she goes after the filmmakers on-air.

  • Dead Reporter

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 4 - 10/25/11

    A Seven decade veteran newscaster's career is honored as the FactZone says goodbye to legend Brandon Armstrong. Cameo by Charlie Rose.
  • Fantasy Brainwall

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 3 - 10/18/11

    Tucker Hope tries out a new piece of technology, "Brainwall" and reveals a fantasy.
  • Missing Baby Kate

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 2 - 10/11/11

    Shelby Cross heads the crusade of searching every home in America to find missing baby Kate.

  • Asteroid Heads to Earth

    Full Episode

    S 2 : Ep 1 - 10/4/11

    An earth destroying asteroid is heading for Earth, and Onion News Network has the story. Today Now interviews a young shark attack victim.

  • Witch Who Granted Beyonc Beauty and Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child



    Moments after Beyonc gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.
  • Yankees, Phillies Playing Sad Little World Series of Their Own



    Kenny and Doc follow a delicious "Power Lunch" with their take on Nyjer Morgan's brain centipede and Brett Favre's jealous death wish.
  • American Dream

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 10 - 3/25/11

    The team takes an in-depth look at the loss of the American Dream. Other stories include: Joe Biden recruits a bevy of sexy females to be his bodyguards. Jeff Gordon sets up a charity to teach him to read. A cash-strapped NASA sends a probe to New Mexico.moreless
  • New Law Legalizes Brandishing Guns at Head Level



    In this Daily Briefing, New York residents are outraged after learning that their State Senator accepted a paltry $3,000 bribe.
  • Real America

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 9 - 3/18/11

    Parodies of cable news includes: "real" Americans conversing with congressmen; an autistic reporter covers the funeral for a slain little girl; a report on Shaken Man-child Syndrome; in local news, teenage girls are warned about the handsome, mysterious new boy in town.

  • Stock Market Crash

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 8 - 3/11/11

    The crack team of fake journalist's stories this week, include: A man who has absolutely no interest in government or politics, is pursued by the GOP for the 2012 presidential elections. An investigative report on why comic sans is funnier than other fonts. ONN takes the revolutionary step of forming a panel of caged ordinary Americans; after some torture they willingly give their opinions. The FDA gives up in frustration over Americans dietary habits.moreless
  • The Real Obama

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 7 - 3/4/11

    In-depth journalistic spoofs, include: A shocked and horrified manufacturer of wand massagers, recalls their product atter discovering Americans are using the massager for other than it's intended purpose. It is discovered that after the Presidential election, Barak Obama was kidnapped, and has been held in captivity while an imposter has taken his place in the White House. A tragic high fructose corn syrup sill in Iowa causes wide spread devastation. U.S. dating standards are lowered, gaining dating access to a larger population.moreless
  • Cyber Attack

    Full Episode

    S 1 : Ep 6 - 2/25/11

    Shocking news stories include: al Qaeda attacks and cripples the nation's Internet servers, by forwarding an email which contains a cute photograph of a piglet in red boots; it rapidly becomes viral. Players of Farmville become overtly distraught at losing the Internet. A undercover investigative report on whether waitress in restaurants are genuinely nice and charming, or manipulating their customers for larger tips. The first openly drunk politician, resigns from the Senate in order to dedicate himself to more drinking.moreless
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